"Do you really want me to answer that?" I asked, which seemed to give him chills. I turned to April. "You look like a confetti cake and a melted clown had a baby. An ugly baby."

"Fuck you! It's not blended!" she cried.

"You should put some on Soot as well! He'll look adorable," Duke suggested. April and I both grimaced.

I hate wearing makeup with a deep abiding passion, and April knew that, so she laughed and said, "I didn't bring enough with me to fix that ugly mug."

"Besides, I already look adorable: I don't need that shit," I announced.

"Good point!" Duke agreed, wrapping his arms around me and vigorously rubbing his face into my chest. This, of course, smeared all the makeup on his face and transferred half of it onto my shirt.

I wasn't angry, but I'm sure I didn't look overly pleased either. When Duke realised his mistake, he released me, all the colour seeming to drain from his face along with the makeup. April let out an obnoxious cackle.

I pulled my cardigan sleeves over my hands and then aggressively rubbed her face to ruin her makeup. There were already so many stains on my cuffs, such as ink and blood and probably snot from wiping my nose, so new stains weren't a problem. In my defence, I know how to remove stains, I'm just too lazy to do it. 

So, as to be expected, April didn't appreciate my attack. We grappled for a while as Duke watched on, unsure what to do.

The scene eventually calmed down when the timer for the pie went off. I told those two to go wash their faces while I took it out of the oven.

We ate a slice each. I would say it was "just like mum used to make" if my mum ever baked.

"Say 'ah'," Duke coaxed, trying to feed me. I'd already been forced to sit on his lap (because I only have two chairs, I tried to sit on the floor, like a good host, but he wouldn't let me) so I didn't feel like humouring him. I bit his hand instead.

"Me-ow!" April laughed.

I mostly managed to feed myself, but I gave in at one point and let Duke give me a mouthful. He then licked some cream from the corner of my mouth, but I'm almost certain there wasn't actually any cream there and it was just an excuse.

If PDA made April uncomfortable then I probably would have played along more, but she got almost as much of a kick out of it as Duke did.

I felt drained.

We put the rest of the pie into tupperware that April brought, and I saved a slice for Frank, then we left.

"What're you doing after this?" April asked.

I looked up at Duke and said, "we're going on a date," (he was all smiles and rosy cheeks after that) because I thought it would deter her from tagging along. It didn't.

"Well then, I'll come with, cause every tricycle needs a third wheel!" she somehow reasoned. When she saw Frank get out of the car and open the door for us, she perked up even more. "And four wheels makes a car! Group date!" I think Frank faintly smiled at that.

"You don't have to humour her," I told the guys. "I'll walk her to the train station."

"Oh no the fuck you won't!" she argued.

"Well, I'm not letting a girl walk around alone." April being a transwoman of colour, and already 24, means the chances of her getting murdered any day now are through the roof. Even if I don't like her that much, I wouldn't wish death by transphobes upon anyone.

"What would you even do if someone jumped me? Bite their ankles?"

"Oh, piss off, you're only three inches taller than me."

"Yeah, and that's like twice the size of your dick."

"Square up, I'll rip the padding out of your bra!"

She clasped her hands over her chest defensively. Duke and Frank looked like they were watching a soap opera.

"You do that and I'll shave your head so everyone can see your receding hairline!"

I gasped. "You vindictive sack of silicone!" 

"Ooh, First Wives Club? That was a good movie," she said, her tone totally calm all of a sudden.

"What?" Duke asked. I explained that I'd quoted a movie, then told him that since I had it downloaded on my laptop, we could watch it together sometime if he wanted.

Duke, delighted, said that April needn't get the train as we would give her a lift. I felt somewhat defeated.

Once we all climbed into the car, she asked, "where are you going for your date?" 

I turned to Duke, who looked like he hadn't given it any thought. I pointed at the hickey on my neck.

"Ah! Yes! Shopping! Buying a collar," Duke explained happily.

"A kinky one?" she asked slyly, then suggested we go to a place she knew since it was having a sale.

"Is that the sex shop?" I asked.

"Well you can’t buy sex there, no. For that, people usually go to your mum's house," she said so smoothly that I was almost impressed, though I was mostly annoyed.

Frank dropped us off outside the shop and then drove around for a while until we finished.

I hadn't been in a place like that since I was a teenager, but it didn't feel awkward or embarrassing. Duke was a fidgety mess, though. I can't imagine why, since he never failed to hide his perversions before, but maybe he was trying to act calmer since we were in public.

While I was meandering around the special offers section, I overheard April talking about me to Duke.

"Y'know," she began. "Soot's down for any kinky shit his partner wants to do, but he actually prefers really gentle stuff in the bedroom. He likes acting tough, so he'll say he 'likes it rough' cause he thinks it's manlier, but he's actually super delicate."

"I know your ass is as loose as your lips, but you should quit talking out of it," I grumbled as I walked back to them. It wasn't exactly a lie, but considering how long it's been since I slept with her, she shouldn't act like an expert on the subject.

I saw that she was holding a lingerie set, and the bra had huge cups, so I said, "Your tits are way too small for that."

"It's for my girlfriend," she said proudly, bypassing my dig, so I took another crack at it.

"Remind me how old your girlfriend is, cradle-snatcher?"

"She's eighteen."

"Oh, so she's old enough to change her own diapers now? That's great," I sneered.

Though I have no interest in April's personal life, I unfortunately remember all the things she tells me about it, so I know that her girlfriend is called Emma Cunterblast (amazing name) and goes to the same university as her. Emma is taking a fashion design course and April is taking culinary science, by the way.

She ended up buying some pink negligee for Emma. Duke got me a black suede collar with a small bell on it, since that was the most cat-like. I noted that it was basically identical to the one he had in his bedside drawer, but human-sized. I got a silk blindfold from the sale rack for £2.

Duke put the collar on me as soon as we got out of the shop. It felt oddly comfortable.

We finally rid ourselves of April after that, dropping her off by the university. Since there was a big park nearby, Duke suggested we walk around a bit for phase two of our date. Frank was instructed to pick us up in two hours.

It's autumn, so the weather was pleasantly chilly and the sky was clear. I remember thinking that I might be under-dressed, but we walked and cuddled enough that I didn't get cold.

We both smoked while we meandered, and he held my hand. I absentmindedly flicked the bell on my collar.

"Do you like it?" he asked softly.

"Hm." I gave it some thought. "It's fine," I answered eventually, flicking the bell again. He giggled.

"I love that sound," he told me, giving my hand a little squeeze. "It's calming."

"Good. You need calming down," I warned, digging my nails into his hand when he tried to stroke my wrist.

He cleared his throat and averted his eyes. "April told me quite a bit about you."

"Like what?" I asked, mostly wondering if she said I was trans.

"She told me how you were at school. She said you used to get into fights," he explained, a coy smile dancing on his lips.

"My sordid past," I mumbled. "We didn't even go to the same school, so don't take her too seriously."

"But is it true?"

"Well, yeah."

He chuckled. "I used to get into fights at school, too."

"I think you still get into fights," I said flatly. He couldn't argue with that. "I wasn't that bad. I just had a few… friendly altercations. It's a big brother's job: I only beat up some guys that were mean to my little sisters," I explained. I elaborated purely so that I had an excuse to show the picture of my sisters again. They really are very pretty.

Duke took my phone when I showed the picture to him and started scrolling through my photo album, so I tried to snatch it back.

"Is there something you don't want me to see?" he teased.

"Maybe? I think there's dick pics on there," I explained calmly. His eyes snapped open wide. "Don't get your hopes up: I didn't mean they were mine." Then it was his mouth that flopped open. "What?"

"Why do you have pictures of other mens dicks?" he snapped.

“Who knows?” Well, the majority were post-op pictures of transmen who had bottom surgery, because I was doing research. I’m not sure if I had any dick pics that weren’t from transmen, but it’s possible that I didn’t delete all the ones I’d been sent from dating apps over the last year.

Duke sucked in an overly dramatic breath. “I’ll forgive you for this… if you give me your number.”