It was the hard way when I found out not to believe anyone ever. It was always me vs. The whole world.It is me to blame to depend upon others. I just don’t care anymore. I have to face the reality the hard way. No one is kind. Everyone seem to hunt the weak and the needy people. Life is saying to me to work hard and struggle. Any moment of sweet dream can cost me. I will be a fool if I believe that the rules of the world are the same for everyone, I will be living like a loser. I have live alone in the darkness where I am the only light.

On my first London exam I failed in two subjects, my heart was broken. If I only guided properly I could have done so much better. I then prepared for the resit and the pass numbers were just pass. I realize my depression was unstoppable. I have to live with it. Although failing in the exam caused great sufferings for me, it made me understand how I can fail so easily. Two things can always make me a loser, one is poor choice and the other is too little afford. It was a good thing I was watching one piece during the exam. Only that thing made me feel good. For this I do not regret my failure.

Therefor it is the time to cheer myself up by writing a book report that I have read during this depression period. Book name is obvious, Harry potter and the philosopher stone.

The book is about the existence of the magical world. There also exist Dark magic and magical creatures. Harry potter first thought he is an ordinary boy just like luke skywalker from star wars. Unexplainable things started to happen around Harry, and then one day a letter came for him for a magic learning school call Hogwards. The world of Harry has two different worlds that is what makes it more fascinating. Other one is known as the Muggle world, where the people don’t know about the world of magic.

At the beginning of the journey, Harry learned dark type secrets about a Wizard called Voldemort, who killed his parents with unknown reasons. The mystery starts to grow when harry enter in a bank that was run by the goblins with his guardian half giant friend,Hagrid.

Before reaching Hogwards, Harry made a friend named Ron with a big family of red hairs. Such consistency can be seen in many epic stories, like one piece, I am talking about red haired Shanks.

It was seem that Harry was famous because Voldemort couldn’t kill him and that became a mark that can be identified as a capital letter of ‘V’ on the right side of his forehead. Hermione was also a great friend of his who become that after Harry fought a troll that escape the dungeon and strike her at ladies toilet.

This type of stories was always a wonder to me. They call this genre ‘fantasy’. May be it is because they are like some kind of dreams and I would love to live in a dream-world rather than living in this one. I Don;t know why but everything somehow leads me to my sorrowful depression and tell me who wants that? I sometimes love to watch violent movies, this kind of movies often lead me regret my existence. Movies like the Serbian Film, you have to experience it to understand it; then also the Korean film called old boy, where the revenge was way out of the world, but the idea was awesome, making a father fuck his daughter willingly and with way too much passion.

Anger sometimes come to me, sometimes it gets uncontrollable. Now in the year 2020, I found a way to handle myself, it is to exercise or gain weight. I don’t know why but being ignorant to me gives me anger , no matter whoever it is. May be I should join some kind of fight club or something. It is a way too much bother when I am always holding the trigger and not shooting anyone. I think it was a good thing that I am not a doctor or in the army.

What is equal to me may not be equal to all.Where everybody is equal there will be no competition and where the is no competition people stays the same, it becomes an ant-colony. Imagine there is no fight, no debate and no rebels to challenge slavery, where there is only one God and only one dream, again a boring world. Where there are two kings there are two kingdoms and there will be war. When there is complications humans somehow find themselves in a war no matter how the war is, they just name them in different forms. My worst fear is to become like any other human, I don’t know how I can not be like them, I am a human after all, blood also run through my vain and it is red like anyone else. May be I should not doubt myself, the problem is most of the time I am in a confusion and I search for compassion from others, may be I should leave such dilemma. If you ask me if man kind can be run by one man, I will say may be it was possible in ancient time, now it is not, now we have an universe in one brain, we think too much, that is what causing the depression, that is what adding the layers inside us and preparing us for an unknown super generation.

Here, the question for me is has anything changed from the ancient times? What we are doing now is what we always done before. We eat, shit and fuck everyday, we work,dance and follow everyday, what really has change? Nothing off course, we just added some layers on our lives. You can see the lives of ancient civilization like Maya, ancient Egypt or puma-punku; they all did the same thing as us. May be they did not have TV or INTERNET to entertain them but they had their own source of entertainment. Aren’t we all tired of thinking about what was and what is? Tired of watching others making stuff up and building their business around it to suck the blood of others so that some can win in life and some can lose. Why people have to have everything when they have something. The answer is obvious you are not to question it. The powerful-es are always to rule the powerless. We are not so different from other animals, our prides just gets in the way. We just don’t want to lose. Losing is humiliating and out of the question. But what we forget is, for one to win , other needs to lose. That is why we have so many religions, battling our own ideas and building our fake principles. The only regret here is my existence. If only we were truthful to each other and direct rather than creating unnecessary mystery, the world could be so much more. All I can say about this is, at least we have the Internet. No matter how special people think about themselves are, in the end they will die like everyone else.

Sometimes the previous fear and obvious uncomfortable situations haunt you like always. For me it was having a roommate. Yes the famous evil Arafat, the all good in his own world only. I think about if I was in the wrong, but in all my calculation he is the evil one. The problem for me was I came home on every Thursday, so it was his opportunity to shine. No matter after that whoever I had as my roommate, I didn’t quite like them. Most of this made me what I am today. Am in glad? Oh no I feel rage.

Now think about the people who died, if they were alive today would the world be so much better? If you are thinking Einstein to be alive, think about also Hitler; that should answer my question. Why all of us want to change the world? Why everyone wants to make the world a better place. It is not the world, it is always the people who decides the fate of the world. Its the people who made their own version of good or bad, right or wrong. They think murdering a murderer is Justice.

People think happiness is all they seek, but is it? However their action is based on their own selfish reasons. A little happiness does not bring anything. Every rapist should understand that. Everyone is forgettable, if you think people will remember you, what you are doing it is for that, you should consider all the possibility, the reality is you are the father of no one and nothing. What this world is a speck of light that will be lost in time.

I was happy when I was little, it was like I was the king of the world. It was when I grew up the touch of real unkind world happened to me. It was always the people who made me feel low. They throw their age, their language, their life-style to me. They always tried to make me feel less than I am. That was how my hate was born. The hate towards human-kind. In this world it is like if I was not here, I would have been replaced by someone else and it would have been him who would have hate human-kind.

I hardly remember my mother’s smile when I was a kid. People have father issues or mother issues. I have both. When my mother was hitting me everyday and I said that to my father everyday, my father did nothing about it. I was living in constant fear of my mother. The fear disappeared very slowly, when I was 15, when I discovered there is a thing call rebellious. I was imprisoned in my own home, its not like something has changed now, I am still afraid to leave home. It is like I am trained to returned to it.

There was a time when my father used to kiss me on the check before going to work. How did he became a fool like this? I mean like he is now. He tries to play games with me, he lies to be, deceives me, I wonder what does he think of me. He is like the worst of his kind. Why does he have to marry my mother and breed me? I feel like for me to shine in this world he needs to die. I never lied to him, why he lies to me? And who wants to hear what is inside my mother’s mind? She don’t even know any of her son’s birthday. I don’t know if she is aware of me living the Muhammad tittle from my name. I know their live was the worst, but why they have to make mine bad? It is not like they are getting likes from facebook, nobody is competing with them on being bad parents. Thats why I decided not to be a parent, may be I will in the future but the fear of being a bd father does not escape me.

Now lets talk about other things, it was when my parents were buying stuff for us or for themselves, I saw the most beautiful girl in basundhara city, unfortunately I forgot the face now, but her face gave me the feeling of paradise.I am still trying to remember her face but I think I lost her forever.

I sometimes think I will be the prime minister of Bangladesh. I think I am Jesus, the second coming, I think I am Emam mahedi. I don’t know if this is the result of my messed up childhood or not.I used to have respect for everyone, now every bit of it is gone. I feel like I am not kind anymore.

My mother once told me she will leave us and she did. I cried when she said that to be. Every childhood memories comes to me like a dream. Like I am dreaming now.

It was a girl called Champa to whom I shared touching each other’s junk, It was shiuli, no sharmin ( shiuli was Rubel’s sister) whose shoe I tried to bind but Roni finished it, It was Yasmin with whom the hard push accident happened, It was lamia whom I stalked, It was Aklima whom I tried to eve-tease, it was Farin whom I gave false call. Now I understand, everything is justified.