There is an anime called soul eater. Soul eater is a soul reaper’s weapon. Someone named Asura went berserk and became Kisan, a powerful criminal. Soul reaper imprisoned him and opened an academy to protect people from kisan. Medusa a witch revives Kisan. Now my point is I can not stay guarding only one person my whole life. I need to move on.

There is also an anime called Bleach, where Aizen tries to play game with Ichigo, just to know how powerful is he himself. He raises the power of ichigo by sending different opponent to him and at last he was Ichigos opponent. I not also be this person. So what have I become? What human am I?

However, there are good memories in my life to when I am not shaking on fear of the teachers, as they are going to hit me or punish me for any reason or no reason at all. One happy memory one when my father first bought a car, when my whole family went to the beach, when I first learned to masturbate, when I first made a friend named Roni, when I used to watch movies with my father, when I first got my mobile, when I got my first scholarship, when I first learned my cycle on my own and nobody helped me, when I was reading my first novels; there are so much good memories. Thats why I am still alive and quite well otherwise I would have committed suicide.

When I was a kid I had to hide under the bed because of my mother, one time I hide behind a door, one time she hit me for getting my clothes dirty. One time she was angry because I lost a ring, one time she hit me for helping her and breaking a glass, one time she hit me until I couldn’t breathe; she hit and hit. One time my father hit me for not eating.

I don’t think I am a family material. I am now in a situation with no friends and no try for a settled-future. My father brain washed me into something that I very much regret now. He brought a woman to us who never loved us. I understood you can not make someone else your mother. Only a mother can be your mother. More of this I will discuss in the chapter of my experimenting angel. I sometimes try to get kick out of life like that. I question myself why I am wasting my life like that. I know for a fact that whatever I do I doesn’t matter. I feel like everybody lied to me. It would have been okay if my parents have been helpful, but they were the biggest liar. They brainwashed me into something that I never was, they trained me like I was a circus. When I rebelled they did nothing. I was always in trouble and lonely. My father only noticed me when my legs were face towards west. This was always my fake family. My feelings towards anything has gone. Now I can not trust anyone. Farzana was my fake mother for 4 years, I never called her mother, now I feel I always knew she was gonna left. I was on my hunger-strike for 7 days, nor my father of the fake mother tried anything. I think I lost everything that was kind of me. Now I feel evil. Hence I knows how people turns the way they does. Here everything is fake. There is no one else to understand me, there never was. I was just thinking I have a family or friends or any other relationship. I now understand if I die today there will be no change in this universe. I was just a light that was suppose to fade away. No matter how I live my life this will never bring any result. Anyone can do anything, there was never any good and bad, right or wrong. Now my mother and brother are just stuck with me. I see the feeling of fading away in their eyes too. They may have their good life but I feel too many bad things have happened to me. This happens when all the people I meet are all liars and untruthful morons. How I will live in this world. The song from mash rings in my head, suicide is painless. I don’t understand the logic of suicide because of depression but emotion that are developed by me are so much to handle. If I marry, have kids  and live such life like anyone else I see no point to it. In that case suicide is the most logical thing to do. The pain seems to be unbearable to me, the fear is always around me. I feel like I was born yesterday. The kindness inside me is going away. I feel so much anger inside me that I always have the fear that I will hurt someone. I don’t know how I will live. I feel like I need to die. When you have the need to eat, you eat; when you have the need to fuck you leave your family but what happens when you feel the need to die? I feel I have that need, I don’t want to live in this world when I have the dream of paradise. This world is not for me, this never was. How did I just became? How can two shit have rubbed their genitals together and that cause me to breathe until my death; And for worse I have to live with this people full of shits, parents who were suppose to teach me how to live in this world, they didn’t, so I am struggling. I may want to live, because I tried to die but I couldn’t. I may be starting to like pain. May be things will change or may be not, I just have to work hard. I will always remember when Farjana asked me with her deep shit curiousness if I was recording her, that day all human impure has been identified to me. This world is always me against everyone. Things that happened to me I let them happened to me figuratively. I knew from the beginning and I had to play God, but what I can not do is control my emotions. If I can just control them I can be a super-human. I just hope that will happen. I should have done something from the very beginning,but I did;t do anything because I loved them. Now everything is fading away, even me. May be one day I will be entirely someone else, Like my character Megavillain. Here is a prayer which was form by my fake family and my respect towards it.

Let me give you a proper example of my fake family and I didn’t do anything proves how brainwashed I was to my father and his bullshit piece of religion and his established society, it is about a bed.
My father used to fuck my mother on a master bed, then when my mother left us depending on questioning her own previous doings, may be one of them is fucking one of my uncles, my father brought Farzana the most dangerous kind of woman, who steals used soap from hotels. My father went to the farthest room distancing himself from us, may be Farzana suggested him to; My father started fucking Farzana on that bed. When my black and white thinking mother returned and couldn’t committed to the sight of that bed because the vision of my father’s erotic sex with Farzana haunts her, she gave that bed to my baby brother, Now its in his room.