Read A BOOK OF INTROSPECTION :: Chapter 6: Experimenting ANGEL [1]

Chapter 11: Experimenting ANGEL

My idea of people and the real version of those people are not the same.I try to make a proper idea of my existence. I expect everything to be fair and yet it is fairness that troubles me.I sometimes give people an artificial option to observe what option they select or reject. Free will and choice is very amusing to me.I like to know the point of existence and some alternative to life. To imagine something that is beyond my imagination, now how will i imagine that? The order of things is not always there. Everything is like chaotic but within the cycle-Believing in evolution is more accurate than believing in God but human seems to select the idea of God, Each of them also have their version of God.If you want to follow the truth there are also versions of truth, nothing is an absolute truth, everything has a relative line of things, sometimes the stories becomes parallel, history repeating itself. Nothing seems to stay to a constant position, it is better to get lost but to stay in the same point to them. And also there are illusion of things, the sky is blue, but in reality it is the construction of our mind. It seems to me that some lack of knowledge also forms some form of reality. What is to do or what to be when everything is a waste. Its not like i am building a pyramid, I am just adding layers in my mind to realize it in my world in my own way. And when i die , everything that i ever was seems to replace itself in another form. I feel like this is keeping me to go forward.

What i know now and what i believe, there are differences. I found believing something does not make it a true form of information. I am still in a primitive form of living where people still believe they need to sacrifice in the name of Allah. I don't need to give people the truth, they can believe what they will to believe, I will die with my truth, life is pointless anyway if the gathering of information is in a society is a standstill. I can believe that the space itself is dark matter and a vast amount of space create dark energy to support a galaxy level existence and to establish it i have to devote my life, i feel i don't need to. My existence in this space bubble is in a point of time and space which can make my life a piece of puzzle thats prove a first existence, such existence may have planned everything to happen in a sort of way. As i am a mind of free thinking i know a mind can not be all in the time but only in a single point of time. Now if i die today i will be in a state where i was before i was born Or everything can just be wrong. What i am now is it real or is it fake? What is even this reality? Why everything formed by our feelings, How pain and pleasure form our decision. You can see a cosmic version of everything. a star, how if forms and how it dies, how it will take us with it. Imagination can make you go to every possibilities, you will go to 1,2,3 then 4. Where you will go you may not decide in that case the choice seems to be come form others. I didn't want to be a barrister, i wanted to be an explorer, i wanted to be a writer, a story maker, a form of life than can mean something. Then i saw what life truly is. It is a continuation, It will just go until it reach to the beginning of next state. Imagine how a star is created by time, a formation that will end by supernova, creating a black hole or it will be something very different. Now apply that equation to us. What is this? What is this existence? How can i be constructed in this formation of my body? It feels so real, why it feels so real? The telling of someone comes to me, I want to be more, I want to be equal to the highest existence aka God that was ever imagined, yes God is an imagination of mind and this is my introspection to understand my existence. Why i think this way, why i get ideas like this. I want to know every story, i want to know this universe like an archive, may be i am a Leelah, God in a human form. May be i always come to this world to know, to observe thats why the words come to me differently but the feelings i get are genetically, I feel like a boy when i see a girl like my father because i am an opposite gender to a girl. When i imagine myself to be a chaos of my percentage i feel i like the opposite too when the conditions are meet properly. And where i should be responsible and not doing the things i should do, they treat me like a child, yet they need my help but forgets to treat me with respect. Everyone is my subject. I was never a human, as i do not Exist as a human. My emotions indicate they are human, but my existence is very superior to any existence. Is it God complex? may be, may be thats why i want to start my own controlling planet. May be many people feel just like me. That just proves every prophet was fake, every believe was made up like any first know where only mathematics and science can go forward and the others are only getting interpretation. The God they believe only stand for their inferiority of mind. May be feeling special is what makes us evolve into our next step. I now know i can do anything yet i have to work hard for everything. The proper organization of things is not still here. I want to be in a proper order of things, yet everything is chaos. Its like parody of something original.

People need some kind of connection, they feel lonely, they need to believe in something, they need a basic religion. Otherwise they make their own religion which becomes cults and then they go on some kind of killing spree, hunting of some sort. Sex is not a sin just because you feel good. People make so many stuff up when they are left alone or left together alone, I mean isolated from a general real world.

FUTURE? All that is in this book was written in my diaries through out the years. So this book is basically my diary. This book is written to give myself some kind of motivation as I decided to not to commit suicide until it is necessary. Life needs no reason, it is just a big happening, it is full of need to experience it somehow. Makes me curious and gives me a scientific mind. I am investigating why the life is the way it is. I tried to know why people act in the way they do and the same goes for me. It is like I don’t even know myself any good. I am still a mystery to myself. Future is what I make it, right?

The more time goes I feel like I am the most perfect being in the universe, I can see how pure I am in this garbage trash can of existence. I am the most truest person and the representation of all that is good, I feel like this lie of everything is not my kind of world everyday. Other people are not that nice, everything has to be with moral, where nobody follows it but me. I suddenly meet people I think they could be nice, but no they are the worst of all. I feel like my personality of Megavillain, whom I named against all unfairness need to be unleashed somehow, yet it can not escape me. Now the world teaches if I want my kind of world I need to take all the responsibilities. This just proves it all, on who I really am. I am an anti-existence, and this is my real identification. There no need to be a world full of people, but there can be a simple simulation for it all for one top explore or something like the animated series midnight gospel. There is no meaning for anything, humans are the freak of nature that should not have exist, a chaos full of existence can not survive in this form of existence. We are doomed to begin with, whatever we do does not qualify as a successful result on any form of test. There is no our version of God, if there is God he would be too proud to even consider us as a term for anything. I can see my future in it, I will die a very horrible death realizing that life was nothing but a waste. I now know the true existence and it is without the absolute truth, which is also known as a lie, too big of a TV series to even get into, everything need to just disappear because it was never beautiful. Everything I see is lie, manipulation and pretense; what anyone can get by doing whatever. I do not accept this. This life is similar as the great lie of paradise, and the problem is I have feel this nuisance, this awkward phase of flowing. I feel like I am more than that, may be more of people feel the same. And thats just proves my point, how one’s feelings are his greatest lie.
What true freedom means? There is nothing in this world that we should hide and not discuss.
POST 1. What is the alternative to life? That is a question I ask, nobody else seems to be on the equal footing with me. They are just happy with the same life that 8 billion people live everyday, eating shitting and also for kids it's playing and for adults it's fucking. In society one has to respect others, no true freedom but a speck of it. Some of us don't even want freedom. We follows the religion of the previous people, laws of our first nation, education that is outdated. Others think they are better than us. I demand an alternative, where there is no chasing girls or boys no goal, simply just to exist in my true freedom. Yet they will not let me. They will come to talk to me to not to get that true freedom. Because in their minds it's not true, no one can get true freedom. I want to do anything in my space, I want another kind of existence of human life, an alternative. That is the true freedom, free of all my emotions and logics.
POST 2. Imagine 8 billion people living the same live or searching for their momentary unreliable happiness, everyone thinking for themselves or deceiving others to lead someone to their doom only to save their own assess. They think they believe in God or they have a sense of right and wrong, but in reality they use the world, only because they can. Now imagine the universe has a blue print, and that blueprint can only be formed in a time where the universe has began and ended so many times, now the universe only follows a circle, an orbit like a planet circling a sun, but for that blue print there is no sun to circle but an illusion of sun to pretend to circle. A great power exist does not mean you have to worship it. MegaVillain is someone who is born out of that blueprint, and decided there had been so many loops. Now all of this needs to end. There should not be any more procreation. All and everything needs to go extinct. Life is nothing but a loop, so many people has lived it and he sees the result, and it is not star trek where they will go beyond space and time, it is a lie and the result is ultimately zero. There is no truth, all you call truth is made up, constructive or relative. All smart peoples are nothing but a sham, they follow some rules and they think they can go to mars and produce children there. Let me say there is no hope, there is no God, there is nothing, It is only those who tries, others fades away.
Family should be abolished, society should be reformed, for true freedom everyone should be under one roof, with one true knowledge. True freedom means free will never existed. MegaVillain ensures true freedom.

POST 3. You think someone else is getting some girl, getting money and everything, why shouldn't I. Then you try to go there, earning money good work, working on your passion and desire. You think life is good, you may be happy, you have better life may be better than monks, better than criminals. This is happiness. You have children where you lose some energy and feel better. Here comes your free will with paying all the bills and depending on friends and society. You may think you have better religion. You think you are trying your best not thinking about life so much, but experiencing in a better way possible. After all that you die like every other human, anyone you hated, any murderer you thought was wrong. You die like anyone you disrespectful with. What is the difference between your life and a murderer's life. Lets see it this way,

What is the difference between your life and a puny ant's life? This is not philosophy, this is the absolute truth, think about what is only in front of you. What do you have? You are nothing, you have nothing. All your deceiving, and lies are justified. There never was any right or wrong. You could have done anything and yet you thought you loved someone, there was no love but to feel some freedom where you can feel good. A momentary occurrence. This life is nothing. No life is anything, it's only us who tries to give it some meaning, who thinks we can change something and yet we live the same life like the first humans. Quantity does not mean they are the winners. 8 billion means our existence is 8 billion times stupid to understand thinking about black hole will not make us Gods. Knowing something does not mean you can always make atom bombs with it.
Now think about what is above you, it's the sky and it's an illusion. You may die for others, but your death does not mean some meaning full sacrifice. You will be forgotten. You existence can never be immortal. Your works only make other people to create a false fantasy of you. Now see it with my eyes, our existence is false.
Post 4: People dies so let them die in ignorance. The true knowledge of existence is not suitable for the God fearing people. Think their individuality matters, they have individual meaning of life. What is this meaning really? Eating, shitting or fucking? Caring for children, procreation and death? Going to space and discovering other planets? If you think collectively, what do we have? Slavery has a new name, its slavery with your own free will where you all will work and others give you a portion of wage. If you are living is a Muslim state, half of your population does not work, simply what should I say, care for children. There is no meaning to life. It doesn’t matter who you meet or you think you may have found true love or not. This is so frustrating living like this, where one thinks they are better than others or less than others, where there is no perfection or symmetry. Male, female, good, bad; such primitive levels still exists. Father and mother have to believe and being proud, they have to work, happiness needs to be there, photos to capture, old age. People are not even ready for immortality, there are not even ready for anything unusual, they think they are enjoying life, what I mean what? What fun? Everything just need to be empty, there need to be a God because there isn’t one.