Her amazing nude, naked, bare, clothe-less body, her saying jona means king, oh I can not forget her scene from the concubine 2012 movie. I was so excited when I heard she was gonna do a serious movie called parasite which became best picture by the way. Oh I should marry a girl like her, She will turn and say ‘oh jona’ and ah, ah ,ahhh. Her sound would be like fantasy and magical.

One Conclusion
I often think what can make me move forward, money, female or religion? What else out there? May be becoming famous? No, an experiment. I sometimes go silent just to find out who is kind. Nobody was really there for me. Those who talked only have some kind of lack of knowledge or may be some of them are new. No one tried to encourage me or show a spot of kind kindness reside within them. When I started talking it was like they can be my friends then, otherwise they are just passing the same path as me. If I don't have any psychical problem and it is like what they want to hear, they can be my friends then but the ignorance is always there. I remember a time when I had all the answer I tried to say I know it all and you don't, then their time came, and they did the same to me, specially a fat black girl. I know becoming something is not easy, only merit does not do a thing, you can see it in the movie serious man by nasiruddin shiddique.

I was never invisible and the people just choses not to see me. Even for my brother sometimes he does something and tries too much to show his excitement, may be he is just bragging about it, like going to my father and farzanas house and eating the same thing he did in this house, but he just have to mention it in a way that I don't like so much. He also does it otherwise, like going to a water park or when my mother was not with us he used to go to kalams place which he does no more. I find his such excitement towards me a lack of kindness.

Mirror is not a good thing to me, may be because I am getting fatter every day. I try so hard but my mother she just turn her every part of being to make me a child, may be she returned just to give me a heart attack. Trusting people is now beyond me. They irritates me so much. Sometimes I wonder why I am the only kind person in the world. When people mock my kindness the anger seems to take over, I just can not control myself anymore. May be I should just die.

I threatened my family sometimes in the past. I think I have some kind of toxic masculinity, that is to feel dominant on others. I didn't contribute any money to this family but why I feel this kind of dominant weakness? May be the priority is only me that is to me. Am I selfish, that is what this book is about to find out who I really am, may be I could become something different and more or may be less. I told my father on the last day that i sometimes feel the urge to kill everyone around me, may that drove namis mother crazy or something. I predicted everything and they did what I wanted, they left me. Without help this is what happens, a man become s a screw up. May be that is what I think of myself sometimes. It is really hard when I have nothing to believe in, that's why I think a religion is necessary. But it is really hard when you know everything in this world is made up. How hard can you really try? Can I endure all the humiliation that is waiting for me, may be my father had. But I am some kind of coward who is waiting for the world to end but I don't think I have the right to inspire or even to do anything with any other lives. What can I do when I know the truth about this world, that everyone is here just because 2 other had sex or one masturbated and the other got impregnated some how. I am not perfect, but when I am there to treat others as my equal them seem to mind me I am not their equal, like that puny kid and the makeup shit girl Sara. I think it will be so hard for me to live even another 20 years. May be if I like a girl, marry her and have kids, what will become of me? I will just be another shit in the society like anyone else. It's like I want to think others as my equal but I don't want to be like them. It's like the animal farm, some of us are more equal than the others. If you had read the full book you know all the contradiction I had. I problem is I don't know how I will live, death seems to me more easy. Non existence seems to me more pure. I find everything to be meaningless and pretentious. Now see it is hard for me even to lie, I am like Luffy who can not lie and stick with it. I have to tell the truth, I have to know the truth. And the truth does not seems to be helping me in any way. The fear within me is only growing and nobody is holding my hand. I am all alone, the universe puts me  in a position and casually replace me right away, that how I imagine a personality of MegaVillain who will destroy everything and everyone and lastly this whole universe, so that I can never be born again, as one of my theory is if you exist one time you can exist in infinite, occurring loop, thats what I tried to say in may story called God-seed.