This memories sometimes comes to me as a part, so I decided to write some of them.

1. My mother was teaching my brother bangle alphabet and she was hitting him with each wrong, slapping him like he was a slap bag. Then I thought she may have done the same thing to me.

2. Girls name was Champa, it was not clear to me why she took me to her house and said to me to touch her vagina in exchange for her to touch my penis, may be I was too handsome for her then. I never become brave enough to talk to her since then. I heard she got married after having sex here and there. May be there was some problems withe her parents. Now I see how good I was. I am the best human being there ever was.

3. Shishir’s cousin Aklima was so beautiful, than me and my then friends when I was 9 years old, Roni, Manik, Robel, Fucker Muhammad all had crush on her. I used to go and call shishir to play and oneday I saw aklima sleeping with shishir and the thought came to me , can a girl and a boy be like that. I was so stupid them, didn’t know what this world is and what people really are but what my father had told me. We all started harassing Aklima, just looking at her was creeping me out with feeling. I paid Manik to show Aklima his penis for some reason. After all that I wrote my first letter of apology to shishir to forgive us, but that never worked out. After watching Aklima everyone started to show their penis for some reason, I think that was the time when my grandfather from my mother’s side was in the National Heart Foundation and my mother told me she will not cry if he die, oh how wrong she was.

After 7-8 year I will see the father of shishir again and smile at each other in a bus.

4. When I will be in class 4 my father will first buy our first toyota corola car, second hand. I will be in the car and stair outside from its window. Me and my brother will be so happy. But the problem will be I will lose my freedom slowly, very slowly.

5. My first movie was “Pagla Ghanta” a bangla movie and my first English movie was Broken Arrow. My father used to buy all kinds of DVD for me. At first we used to watch movie together, Afterthat we just didn’t. May be from then he started the affair, may be it was not only Farzana, there may be more. One thing I learned that if there is one there will be more. May be Rina Aunt not only supply maids but also MAIDS. Whatever, The entertainments will be my best friends. I remember shioli-shihab, when they came to see me I didn’t join them, their mother had an affair and they became motherless.

6. Before computer I used to play so much mobile game, my father started the east building works and the bomb of bangla vai and abdur rahman exploded. My father was saved, and may have gained the Clints of those lawyers who died. I started wearing full pants in stead of half pants. Salam kaka will marry and his sister in law will stand outside the bath house of nanir bari, I will feel the shame of showing my body to girls. I used to shit outside there, I will feel some kind of embarrassment not to do anything like that anymore, like showing my body parts for no reason or any reason. Then me and my bother grew fatness may be because of all the junk drinks we drank so much. Now my mother is doing that again.

My first mobile was a nokia black mobile, Then Kalam gave me his mobile because I reason with him on getting the class 5 Scholarship. Then I got Sony experia after a slim mp3 type one and with that I first started making movies, like dino super and other family films.

7. May be my shame or shyness exist because of the fat of my belly, because on what I remember before I got fat I was not this shy at all.  I even taught myself cycling, nobody else didn’t even try to help, My father used to recite bangla poems like, Kajla didi or nimontron. My mother used to get angry with everything I do, she even once laughed when she found out about my poem, it was an embarrassment for me when she was telling it to her baby brother, like she was mocking me, a girl just smile without a cause. One day I told my mother to make me a cup of tea, she told me to take 2 taka and go to the dokan to buy myself a cup of Rann cha. Fear was building inside me for this thing, when I see this memories individually they seem harmless but years and years of this made me what I am today. My mother was like so evil to me, may be after serving two fathers and a husband she was starting to get herself somewhere, may be it was just my imagination. I don’t remember my mother laughed in front of me without mocking me  in my childhood, May be one time when I was in kinder Garden I didn’t wore socks inside my shoes before going to the Van, she laughed then.
I bought cycle a second time. But I got fat and on a rainy day I fell on trying it and some kids laughed, after that I didn’t go for cycling again. Riding on road may be wear there are other vehicles I fear the unknown too much. That fear is now when I go to roof and the thinking come to me, will I fall?

8. I used to take everything on its literal meaning, like giving respect to parents and teachers. They all just made me angry in many ways. I can not forget most of their behaviors. Where Nargis madam could asked for my parents or give me detention for coping the book while writing, she hit me with a wood scale until I was out of the class. Its like every female character I meet was abusing me like many ways. A Madam called Lovely slapped me, after I got the class 5 scholarship she said she couldn’t believe me getting a scholarship and I was too slow. What is wrong with people, I had so much potential. Then it hit me, everything is false. My mother after leaving us didn’t even call us, my bother called her. And there she was after 2 years later. I showed her with violence that her desperation was nothing to me. I showed her the knife that my father and Farzana was using on   Anar. She hid herself in the bathroom and locked it. I kicked the door, and got the Almira on it.

9. Even I have shame I think I like nudity. I sometimes enjoy sleeping naked. I in my class 8 found from Asad’s phone that I like female body, specially a good figure. My masturbation started on December when I was in final year of class 8. Many may have saw me through the window. From earlier years the best was Katrina kaif’s kamapishachi pic. I was like a hecker on getting all female pics from Asad’s phone.

10. 2 years before my father left us in october. But this was not bad, the worse thing was he didn’t show to get my brother to a doctor. And I knew what my father had become, I found my father as the greatest of my family villain. I should not depend on him, he is the worst of creature. He will get what he deserves. I told him he will die in 3 years because of his weak heart, he should die with great suffering, he is not my father anymore, may be he never was, may all he did before was a lie. What is now is the truth. If I am an investment to him, I will will be no more. Same to Farzana, they are both the worse of creature, from them I defer, I found out I am the purest human there ever was. Not fucking Muhammad who was, might be a fake. I remember when my father used to visit me in hostel, and I knew he was not there for me but to may be to fuck Farzana. I ever changed my mother’s name to Farzana several times. And I found how they deceive me, they tried to get me to America, which my sub-conscious mind refused to do. They found the most disturbing and horrifying apartment for me to live my university life. Everyone who tried to get me somewhere are the worst of creatures. I only wish they suffer for their choice that is not me.

11. There was a time when I had breathing problem, may be because of my mother who feed me too much. My mother used to beat me so much just to stay in side the house and not to go outside. One day a hulu bari boy bullied me and locked the main gate so I couldn’t get out. When we went to the hulus I identified the boy but my mother was not on my side. Even the teachers I had nobody was proper teacher, everything they did seems like wrong to me now. I can now only assume they should all just die, I know I am thinking like a hikakamori, but I am not wrong. Everything is just so wrong and I want to destroy it all. So much frustration , lies and deceiving. I feel like I should just die. I sometimes try to cut my hand or to commit suicide in some ways. But the result always is I am alive. I feel like I want to wake up, may be in a real world. But when I  wake up in this world, I just ca not breathe anymore. I should get some friends, oh yes, they are the same and I can not think in their level anymore. In that way I am developing the God complex.

I used to think mothers are like that but when I saw other mothers how they treat their child I thought I should get some other mother, so I got Farzana, and she was my father’s wife not my mother, way worse. I think she will destroy my sister Nami. Only time will tell.

12. Why my mother used to be happy when me and my brother take bathe together naked I don’t know. May that gave her erotic feelings. I find my mother to be a sick person. When my brother tried to wake me up by giving his hand inside my asshole, I saw weird face on her, I had to slap my brother where she didn’t do anything. It is also like my brother was a weird kid too, he used to used toilet paper weirdly, like after taking a shit he tried to rap his ass with it, sit naked on  the chair on the baranda for some reason. One day he told Nabila and Mithila that I exercise naked, I am sometimes but that time I  felt coy.

13. The last day of my father in this house, I told him to bind me with a rope and he throw me on the bed. They both made me angry, there was no explanation, namis mother left the house. I thought I could apologies. And I saw what the devil really looks like, it was my father, it was farzana. Comparing them to my mother she was an angel, so I let her enter the house again. It was like I knew it all. The worse was they all did what I assumed. As a result I missed one year of education and work. The best was I was able to see my tv series got some pure and good ideas. Now I know why everything in this universe should just disappear.

14. Now I became a lazy person. Day-dreaming is like my everyday job. I regret many of my decision but again I love what I am now. My parents drama made me emotionally imbalanced. I failed 3 times in London exam. I tried to be my previous self but now I know I am the best there is. Moreover, without hardwork I am just average.

15. I used to fall from 1st floor on sand pile, I tried swimming once but when I drank too much water and was drowning I  just didn’t. And again my father was a lier, he told us many time he will teach us to swim, but he never did. I am now speechless. My parents are horrible persons, and I am the purest. In some way I am horrible too, but compare to every human I am GOD. From Vikings I knew how happiness is nothing. I thought it is time for me to live in the moment so I went to Indonesia , there I found I can not be emotionally stable without company. And the companies I get are kids, like the kid who enter the airport again, what was his name again?

16. I sometimes think what will others think, I have to be better in every way, even everything is slavery on addiction and other have or have-nots. I have to be more, than I ever was. I have to be the best deceiver and a lier. Otherwise I will suffer. I never thought my father would have done that to me. He used to buy me 50 per-chant of things I wanted, but all of them proved what love really is. It is nothing, just a level for boys to get girl or a girl to express her mind. It never really existed. Never.  Its all just the frustration of mind.

17. When my mother left us it was like all of the kins from my mother’s side left us too. I went to visit my happy khala, she  even showed me without my mother she is nothing to me. Allah, who was so real, I understood him. Every religion was false, every relationship was false. I found there was no God and everything is justified. There was never any right and wrong. This are just a level for others to fear, even this democracy, voting for kings and queens.