18. Belayet used to fuck my mother, I caught them 2 times, thats why it is very suspicious when he gave me 1000tk when I went to visit him before my ssc exam. And Farzana on some point repeatedly threaten my existence. I know they will marry my sister off like they did to farzanas sister. I got low score on ssc and all my father said, what happened happened, in a bad time you committed the exam, after all that you had good result… what good result? What are you talking about? I should have thought about myself from that point. I was always my own teacher. Nobody really taught me anything, all I had to do was just try. Now fear always beheads me, I am no longer self-confident.

19. My bother used to follow me everywhere, thats why I always had to think about him too. Without me he seems to get himself into trouble somehow. I even decide for him many time, he doesn’t notice, for him it may be normal because I am deciding it. But what my father did for me? Every of his decision was so bad it was haunting. I was not his priority, he is so stupid it makes me laugh. May be this world is for stupid people, I regret is I depended on him too much, I though he knew what he was doing. Now I know he was more clueless than I am. Now I try to predict anything, thats how I operate, I think I will succeed on my own. My father build this houses for us to live on, but according to how I was raised I don’t find my father’s actions fair, even talking to him feels like I am talking to someone else. I did everything he asked me to do, I trust him so much. But he used me just because he can, he even tried to use me on his gain and showed me how angry he was with me. I feel so betrayed because I respected him too much. Even when he saw I hate being called fat, he called me fat; it was like he was being a bully. And Farzana she even get me to fear her, she got me that point and tried to get me to wash my own clothes which I never did in my own home, against my will. I should have curse her, hit her or even kill her. Too bad she is now my sister’s mother. Me, akash and Nami will have no one but ourselves, because we depended on our father so much, as he assured us to. Nami and my life will be simile, when nami will be nine my father will die out of heart’s weakness. If not our life will be different, as when I was 9 my grandfather from my mother’s side died.

20. My dada gave me a silver chain and gave shahin a golden chain, my cousin. Dada got fake leg injections and had to stay on bed for 5-6 years. I saw him cried out of misery and pain of living. My father even told me, he wants him to die. On his death I saw my father pretend to cry.

21. My mother told me I drank her milk for 4 years. After that she forced me to drink rice with milk which I will hate the rest of my life One day on my  8th or 9th year, my mother was bad mouthing my father, when I tried to defend him she was telling I am his son and everything is his fault, I then said to my mother, I should throw shoes at her. I got emotional because I was disrespectful so I wen to the 3rd floor guest room and locked the door and cried. 2 hours later I returned, and it was like nothing happened, no one talked with me about it. This shows how ignorant my family was in my childhood.

22. My mother gave me a Golden Ring to wear. When it was not on my finger she got furious, she was so mad that she tald me I had to find it. With my previous encounter I was with so much fear, I was seeking it everywhere, I couldn’t find it. Finally it was found in my left pocket. Once I wore lungi and the electricity was gone and I fell, I cried with so much pain. Fear grows, Now it is within me, I think it became me.

23. It was when I was four, kalam was in the house, we lived in the first floor of our 2nd house/ 3rd house. People came, they told my father to open the door, they were thugs, and around our place was so silent. My father told the door can not be opened and to come in the mourning. But they weren’t gone, they tried to open the gate. My mother shouted and cried getting me with her in the north corner. Kalam was preparing to fight them. I remember another night when I was in nani bari and at night the police came for the entire moral family, only my mother was there to talk to the police and I heard nana, nani asad, kalam  they fought for the land.

24. I called him Alal kaka, my father helped him to marry  the boss’s daughter Afsana, here boss means where he worked, he was a house-builder. I remember being a guest in their house for that when I was small. My father used to have mustache and I tried to copy him so may times with tape, one day he just shaved it off. When I was small I used to listen to my mother talking, only day I talked to a neighbor of nani why her marriage is not happening. She used to stay in the house and died several years after. My mother didn’t correct me. But if she thought she would have to correct me what would she had done? You guessed right, she would have hit me.

25.  When I was small and my brother was born a mad woman used to come to our house to play with my brother. My mother made a deal with her, if she wants to play she needs to work in our house. I now think she may have lost her child. We went to her house on one Eid and eat semai. The thugs again came and took our pump when we live in the second floor and my mother ran away from our house. Yes, my mother used to ran away so much. I may have that gene, because I sometimes feel it. I mean to run away. Before many years when she first ran away, my father thought Jinn had got her so he introduced me to jinn pora, where I saw a hojor used sharisha oil with reciting sura, getting that into her nose. When Salam was marrying he did not get my mother to the pre party, she and I was all suit up, we waited the whole day and Salam did not took us there.

26. When my nana died and I saw a guy from aci company telling the news to my mother she began to cry like hell, I was playing cricket. Sohan’s father told us to stiop the play. Hearing my mother crying, I was crying too. A micro-bus was in our house, we went to nani bari, saw my nana lying on the floor, saw everyone crying. My father was sane, only he was talking like a normal person, other children was following me in the mourning, I told them to get the hell away from me or I will get angry. May be it was my nana by whom I experienced the death first. Now I feel empty, because now I know the false existence of every individuality.

27. People used to deceive me from the very begining. Like Rubel, he kicked my new football to the road and it got fused. I told him he needs to get me 500tk, he said he will give me. But he never talked to me again. Teachers used to beat me because I went to hindu fair? I used to copy in exam, I didn’t know what copy means. I remember madam moriom, the pre Farzana, her daughter maimuna, I was spinning her and she fell. Similar happened with nami. History repeat it self.

28. I made my first character story on drubbling draw. When on going on a picnic a portal appears and he goes to this another world, he commits on fun adventures. May be it was like Alice in wonderland the male version. Selina interrupted me. She ran from rina aunts house , then she ran from our house. She used to show my brother her boobs and when I was in the toilet she used to say I am watching. I told the boob thing to alal kaka to embarrass her…ha…ha…

29. Somethings triggered me to select my father over my mother, like when a maid open the gate for her boyfriend and he could have attacked us, here it was my mother’s responsibility to watch her, and she didn’t and in the morning we found a ROD. When my father told me she will take care of her new husband’s children than us. When I saw my brother was hungry and mother mother was not feeding him. Sometimes my father had to bring food prepared by Farzana.

30. My father gave money to Rokan Sir to get me in the public school. I remember shilpi aunt preparing chicken for us. I remember some people from school and college, emon, nurul, minhaz with him my biology teacher was against it,nahid. Anik to be my mamato vai, Bonna Bithi, I may have tried to kill one of them. I went to so many places on picnics and family tours. Many of them are historical places. Mohasthangar, sonargaon, panchagar, cox-0bazar so many times. Bandarban, khagrachari.
I used to go to the house renting people only to not to be with my mother.

31. Questioning was never a good thing for me. It felt easy just to accept everything without questioning. One time I had to select my mother as a kid then she again pull out the same condition to select her when I was a teen. I was very invested in my religion so I selected my father. One time Asad tried to make me select him in stead of father, he is the one who left me out of the car nowhere and told me why I didn’t go on on my own to buy the damn khata. Choosing my father or mother is like always there, I once saved my father, and he didn’t show any appreciation like it was my job to do it. He made me go to the court where he was against my mother, and my mother was there standing against me prepared to say everything in support of her brothers. My father then many time tried to recruit me in his team like I was some kind of asset or an investment for his famous retirement plan with Farzana. And the day come when I started to question everything, and I found the horrible truths. My parents were the worst parents of all time, they may have tried their best but they don’t deserve our purity. I should have been a lier or a deceiver like my father was. Now this days the only talk that happen to me and my mother after her return is that she asks me if I will eat , in reply I say yes or no. And to my father I feel the hate that he deserve, even with all his money giving, where there never was any love but because I was his son or an investment which he assured, and he lies to me like hell, there was never any truth. I piss on both of their existence as they made me realize how bad an existence can be.

Many other memories of my life reflects in my stories of Yahoo Chapter and Factorial zero short stories. The story called Grandson of Shamsuddin is basically the stories of my parents and Shohag is me as my father thought he would named me Shohag or Ashik.
I feel like people need to be direct with me, I feel my parents otherwise.

32. I remember a teacher of general knowledge who did not think I had merit, he  was black or partial black beat me up with a chair part because I have a wrong answer. There are many stories like that, everyone in this world just need to die. Nobody deserves to live at least the quantity but the quality. If people have such power to see the future they would have killed such people before they were born. But they do not so, This world, this society needs to end. Humans are not kind, kindness is their fantasy. There were no madam teacher who were really nice to me, what was their problem with me, may be their problems were bigger than mine. Reciting something is not education, playing something is not sports, I feel like all my life I did nothing at all, or may be it was not me, I exist in this present and all my past are nothing but memories, and I wonder how can those be my memories? Then I go outside and realize they they really are.


I  remember in my childhood when I see any marvel I get it in my mouth. I gave marvel to NAMI, she did the exact same thing, I thought she is really my sister and so I should consider her as my equal. I used to sing to her, playing with her like holding her hands and giving boxing to me, she would laugh. But I saw her mother's eyes, the thing. She took her from me, curse upon her, the Farzana. May be this book will be lost or may be people will read it. They should know this is my mind, my book of introspection.

33. What can I remember about my father that is extremely good and not brainwashing mostly fatherly? He played the first football match with me, he was rotating the fan the whole night when there was no electricity. Thats what I don’t want to be ruined for me with his current behavior. Bringing every Sunday to Thursday burgers and chicken fries is not fatherly, thats brainwashing, I thought he was paying me for something, may be thats why I was on his team. I almost lost an eye for him what about that and none other than mr. Asad was doing me that favor. Everything could be so much easy if someone  was my real guardian like telling me, advising me, not giving me fear and dominating me with their sickness. Everyone was so silent towards me, Now I am silent and almost nobody can see me now.

34. After Farzana there was no chicken fries. They even changed the room , and it was my father who made that room, now that room is giving him trouble to fuck farzana. Kalam was also something, I stand up to him because he was giving  my mother trouble and my mother never appreciated that, remember after return she still thinks she can treat me as a child, where I have to take her to eye doctors or to eid markets to buy her bra. Now my nani, I remeber the day when I was saving my father from Kalam and Asad my mother and nani was mocking me with their corner smile, treating me like I had no mind of my own, so I had to throw them towards their backside with my fist. This people why they are in my life? Oh yes, my deep shit parents. Here I have no name without them, I have no existence without them, may be thats why I don’t really exist. They gave me food and cloths and education, like I would not have got them if they were not here. May be someone else needed to be me, it would have been so much better.