Later that night after everyone had left or gone to bed, I mind linked Ty again and asked him to meet me in the kitchen. As he came in, I was busy preparing the batter for muffins causing him to raise a brow at me before silently taking a seat at the island to watch. After a few minutes, he asked “okay, wanna tell me what that was all about now?” Sniffing to make sure we were alone, I said “what you thought you saw earlier... Well, you did. I know who my mate is but I don't want them or anyone other than you and Liah to know.”
“I take it Dox is it. That explains the stress baking, sort of. Why not tell him though? Why give him the love sick puppy look when he's not looking instead?” he asked confused.
“He's leaving tomorrow to fill in as Beta of his pack until his dad and brother are healed enough to resume their duties.” I said.
“Okay and? You realize you won't be able to mark him if you don't tell him right?” Ty asked still confused.
“I realize that but I don't wanna make him chose between me and his family and duty. That wouldn't be fair to him. So, I'll keep it quiet until he's done, finds out himself, or I'm forced to tell him which ever comes first” I answered with a shrug. Just as Ty was getting ready to say something, we heard footsteps on the stairs. Lowering his voice to an almost inaudible whisper, Ty said “famous last words little brother.” Waiting a few more seconds, Madox rounded the corner and cocked his head to one side with a puzzled look on his gorgeous face. Straightening up, he walked into the kitchen and took the seat next to Ty before asking “so, what's got you so stressed out Conner?” Taking a deep breath to inhale his scent, I said “I'm just worried about tomorrow since you're heading home.” Watching me continue mixing the batter, he said “you know you'll still see me at school unless I need to stay behind to deal with pack stuff right?”
“Yeah, I know but that doesn't stop me from worrying” I said then linked Ty and said “help me out here. I don't wanna tell him the real reason.”
“Well, you're right Madox, that's not all he's upset about. He may be worried about you but you know he's probably also still upset about not finding his mate tonight” Ty said aloud watching me flinch. Thankfully, Madox was watching him as he spoke so he didn't see it.
“Yeah, I wasn't gonna bring it up though” Madox said with a shrug turning back to look at me.
“Too bad he can't hide his emotions worth shit though right?” Ty asked with a laugh making me glare at him. After a few more minutes of them watching me bake, Ty said “alright, Imma head to bed. G'night guys.”
“G'night Ty” I said and then linking him added “thanks for not saying anything.” As he left the room, he said “I may not agree with it but I understand why you're doing it after watching you struggle. I won't out you little brother but I hope when the time comes for you to tell him that he'll forgive you for not telling him sooner because even an idiot can tell he's as much in love with you as you are with him.”
“I'm sure he'll understand and I hope so too. I'm already so in love with him and have been for such a long time but was always to afraid to say anything in case we weren't mates. I just don't wanna take anything away from him” I said as I watched Madox draw circles on the granite counter top.
“You realize by not telling him you are taking something away from him right?” Ty asked confusing me.
“What do you mean?” I asked
“I mean you. You're taking his mate from him without him knowing” he said making me wanna cry. With that said, our conversation ended and I was alone with Madox, my mate, one of my best friends, and the love of my life. With just the two of us in the kitchen, his scent of eucalyptus and chocolate filled the kitchen both calming me and making me sad again. He must've seen the pain on my face before I could mask it because he said “I'm sorry. I hope that your mate whomever they are truly loves you when they find you.” “Do you?” I thought but instead watching him closely said “I hope so too. Though I don't wanna take any opportunities from them. So, for example if they had to take on duties that weren't originally theirs to begin with I won't make them chose between their duty and me because that wouldn't be fair.” A silence filled the room as I finished mixing the better. Lining the muffin tins with cupcake liners, I began adding the batter to the tins when Madox said “I'm sure they'll understand that even if they don't like it. Specially, once they know everything about you, everything you've had to fight for even though you're the son and brother of an Alpha. I know I never expected to be asked to fill the role of Beta since both dad and Tony were always there. It honestly scares me, even more so now that I've actually gotta do it and don't have a mate to keep me from being attacked by that idiot again.”
“I'm sorry” I whispered almost inaudibly then louder said “I'm sure you can defeat him no matter what he throws at you. Not having a mate yet also means they won't be used as a threat or bargaining chip. So, for now they're safe from being used against you while you're starting out.”
“I hadn't thought of that. Do you really think I'm strong enough? Do you think I'm ready?” he asked not mentioning the apology that I'm sure he heard though still looking confused.
“I know you are and whomever your mate is is a damn lucky wolf” I said with a sad smile.
“Thanks but in all honesty I just want someone who loves me not someone who cares about my position in the pack” he said with a shrug looking at his hands on the counter top.
“I'm sure your mate won't care about that” I said then added “and I'm sure they already love you even if you've never met before.”
“Smooth Conner, really smooth” moon said at my almost obvious blunder.
“I'm sure I could tell him I love him and he'd think I meant as friends but I'm trying to be vague on purpose so...” I thought slightly annoyed.
“I hope you're right. Anyway, I should head to bed since I gotta get up earlier than normal to head home before going to school” he said standing up to leave the kitchen.
“What time are you leaving in the morning?” I asked as he moved towards the door.
“Probably about 4:30ish. So, I have time to take my stuff home and meet with the council before school. I'll text you if for some reason I can't make it to class” he said turning back to look at me.
“Okay, g'night Dox” I said with a sad smile wishing I could kiss him.
“G'night Con” he said turning back and heading towards the stairs. When his footsteps had disappeared again, I let the tears I'd been holding back fall freely as I worked. After what felt like hours but was probably only fifteen minutes, Liah came into the kitchen and saw me. Rushing over, she wrapped me in a hug holding me as I cried. When I'd finally calmed down, she asked “what's wrong baby?”
“I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can let him go. I know it's my choice. I know I'm doing it for him and in a round about way he does too. I wanna give him every opportunity but I'm so worried about what he'll have to go through when he goes back tomorrow without my mark. I feel like I'm lying to him even though he has no idea yet” I said as more tears slid down my cheeks.
“You can and you will. I know you're scared, trust me I am too but he need the freedom to do his job without worrying that something might happen to you in the process” she said wiping my tears before rubbing my arms as she watched me. The rest of the night passed in a blur and I found myself awake at 4:15 and standing in the hall leaning against the wall still in my t-shirt and sweatpants as Madox started heading towards the stairs. When he saw me standing there, he asked “why are you up? You know you'll see me later right?”
“Yeah, I know. I just couldn't sleep and figured I'd at least say bye before you left. So, you didn't feel completely ignored” I said with a tired shrug. Smiling he stopped in front of me and placed his bag on the floor before pulling me into a hug and saying “don't worry so much. I promise you'll see me later whether I'm at school all day or just come to see you at the end of the day. I promise you will see me later.”
“I'll hold you too that Beta Madox” I said to get him used to the new title. Stepping back he said “please don't call me that. I know that's me now but it still feels wrong somehow. Plus you're my best friend and I don't wanna be formal with you or Liah. I don't think I'd survive that.”
“Alright Dox, be careful both on your way home and once you get there. Stay on your guard and remember if you need anything were just a phone call or a text away” I said with a tired smile I didn't feel.
“I know and don't do that. I'd rather know your true feelings even if all you can show me is how much pain your in instead of faking it for my sake. It'll be hard enough watching you be a stone statue at school, don't do it now when we're alone okay?” he said looking sad.
“Okay” I said dropping the mask and letting him see how I really felt about all this minus the love I'd learned to hide for so long. Pulling me into another hug, he said “it'll be over soon and everything can go back to how it's been. Hell maybe things will be even better when this is all over with.” Nuzzling his neck, I said “I hope things are better when this is all over with” before letting go. As he stepped back, a few tears slid down my cheeks as I watched him pick up his bag and head down the stairs. Turning to go back in my room, I saw Liah leaning in the open door frame sleepily watching me. Opening her arms, she stood there wordlessly telling me to come let her hold me and I did exactly that. Eventually, we were sleepy again and headed back to bed for the few hours we had remaining before school. When I woke up, I immediately checked my phone and found a message from Dox saying “hey just letting you know I made it back in one piece since I know you'll be worried.”
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