William's my 3rd period hall.
Sitting right here, across the library from me. And I've been staring at him more than half the period. He hasn't noticed. Apparently he's one of those kids who actually do their homework in study hall. And apparently he finds it quite interesting because he hadn't looked up once since he started it. That's fine with me. I don't know what I would do if he caught me staring at him. Probably blush like a girl.
I had a dream about him last night. Not really surprising considering he's the only thing I've been able to think about the past few days. With practically everything I do, I find myself wondering what William would think of it. Same thing with my thoughts. And honestly, it kind of scares me how quickly this all happened. It's only been three days since I first saw him and now my world pretty much resolves around him. I mean, I really don't know the kid, and he probably doesn't even know I exist, yet here I am, pining helplessly over him. Hell, I even screwed myself socially for him! When I didn't even know if I have a chance with him or not.
What am I doing? Why him? What's so special about this boy that's making me do all of this? For him. When there's a huge possibility that it might not even be worth it.
I don't know. Like I told to Alex yesterday, everything just seemed to click when I saw William. I never wanted something, or someone, so much in my life. He's so different. So new and exciting than what I'm used to. And I want it. I want to be a part of that. Even if it means risking everything I have just for a taste.
The worst part about it is that even if he turned out to be a total ass, I think I would still like him. It's hard to explain, but something just draws me to him. I've never wanted to know someone as bad as I want to know him. Nor have I ever liked anyone else as instantaneously and intensely as I like him. I've never felt this way before. It's frightening, exciting, and just completely amazing all at the same time. None of it really makes sense, but I guess it's not supposed to. And surprisingly, I'm okay with that.
But I'm not okay with the fact that even thought I really, really want to, I can't go over there and talk to him. Why? Because I'm apparently a coward. Funny how I never noticed before. Or maybe it’s a recent development. I never really cared about other people's reactions when I talk to them. William though... Oh yeah... I'm terrified to what he might do if I just randomly start talking to him. Especially if I end up saying something stupid and embarrass myself. I think I'd rather die than go through that. How completely pathetic am I?
Sighing, I go to look away from him, but I'm about a second too slow, because when it's then that William decides to look up from his homework. And guess where he's currently looking now. Right. At me.
I quickly avert my eyes down to the table, even though I know that I won't do any good. He caught me, there's no way I can deny it. Honestly, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner since I’ve been blatantly staring at him for the past thirty minutes. Oh god. I’m flushing. It's official, I'm a hopeless looser. William probably thinks I'm a stalker now. Great, just fucking great.
And because I'm an idiot who can't control his curiosity even if it means more humiliation, I glance back over William to see what's he's doing. He's not at his table anymore. He's standing in front of mine, staring at me with his head cocked to the side a little, with a slightly inquisitive expression on his face. I stare at him, literately in shock. Even if I wasn't, I'd still be afraid that my rapidly beating heart was about to erupt from my chest. Or worse, that I'd end up saying something ridiculous and scare him away. So, yeah. I'm kind of glad I'm slightly incoherent at the moment. Then, after what seems like an eternity, but it’s really only fifteen seconds, William gives me a nice, friendly smile that makes me grateful I'm sitting down. Because surely, my knees would have given out if I'd been standing. It's really that charming.
"Hi." William said.
Honestly you have no idea how hard it was for me not to sigh at the sound of his voice. It's not low, but it doesn't sound girly either, it's smooth, kind of soft and gentle and just... perfect.. I could listen to it forever.
"Um... Hi."
My voice cracking slightly. Feeling my face heat up again, I clear my throat nervously.
"I'm Michael."
"Michael... I like that name." He said with a mysterious smile.
After hearing him say my name and after that comment, I'm sure by now I've turned the shade of a tomato.
"Thanks... Um.. I like yours too..."
But he doesn't seem to think so since he just grins at me.
"Can I sit here?" He asked mentioning to the chair next to me.
Surprised, I nod. William flashes me another grin and then takes the seat. Once again, all that I can do is stare at him as I try to control my blush and think of something to say that doesn't sound too idiotic. I'm not a shy person. Normally, I don't get flustered or flush when I talk to new people. But William isn't just anyone. He's different. Special. And this is exactly why I was afraid to go and talk to him. I'm going to make a complete fool of myself now that he's over here. It’s only a matter of time before it falls apart. Have I mentioned that some of my "old" friends are in the library and are looking at me with disapproving looks?
What am I doing? This isn't me at all. I don't care what they think. I hate every one of them. The only person's opinion that matters to me right now belongs to the boy in front of me. This beautiful, beautiful boy in front of me... Why am I hesitating? This is what I want. A chance to talk with him. A chance with him. Taking a deep breath, I get ready to plunge right into that metaphorical deep end. And if I metaphorically drown in these deep end well.. At least I gave it a shot.
Only, just as I'm about to say something, William beats me to it. I'm actually kind of grateful, I'm not really sure what would have come out of my mouth anyway. Probably something highly embarrassing.
"I dreamt about you last night."
But out of all things I was expecting him to say, that definitely wasn't one of them. I stare blankly at him , because honestly, what else am I supposed to do after hearing that? Besides, you know, mentally freaking out about it and irrationally hoping it means that he might possibly have similar feelings for me as I do for him?
"Oh."
Then he gives me a sheepish and apologetic look.
"That didn't come out right."
And because I've reached my limit for the amount of tension I can take in only a few minutes, and because I really have no idea what else to do, I laugh. It's apparently the right thing to do, since William grins and laughs as well before continuing. His laugh is lovely.
"So, what I meant to say was that you were in my dream last night. Yeah. That definitely sounds better. Less stalker-ish."
I can't help it, I laugh again. Though, this time it's a bit nervously. Funny how he would mention something being stalker-ish when that's exactly how I felt when I was staring at him..
"Anyway.. Yeah. You were in my dream last night." He said smiling.
"Um.. Doing what?"
I was not really sure I whether or not I want to know the answer.
"Well.. That's the thing. I don't really remember that much of it."
"Oh."
"Yeah...I just know you were in it, along with your friend. The one with the brownish-black hair." He nodded.
"Alex."
"Oh, that's his name? I was wondering about that. I never caught it, even though we're in the same chemistry class." He said curiously.
"I know."
Immediately I wish I could go back in time to stop myself. Especially when William cock his head to the side again, fixing his pretty blue eyes directly on mine.
"Do you?"
"Yeah.. Well, um.. He might have mentioned it.. to me... Yesterday... Yeah.."
William smiles that mysterious smile at me again. I wish I knew what it means. Or, better yet, what he's thinking. Maybe I'll be able to figure it out if he keeps talking to me. I hope he keeps talking to me. Even though I've never felt so awkward in my life, and this has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had, I don't want to stop it. After that, there's a brief moment when neither of us speak but just sort of look at each other. Surprisingly, it's then I start to relax a little. Maybe it's because he has that easy-going aura about him or because his voice just kind of soothing and his eyes are really pretty to look at, I don't know. All I know is that I'm not internally freaking out as much as I was. And it's apparently obvious, since shortly afterwards, William began talking again.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Every time I see you, you're staring at me. Why is that?"
Needless to say, I'm no longer relaxed. No. Definitely not relaxed. I'm back to flushing and fidgeting, nervously running a hand though my hair. All the while, I'm painfully aware of William watching my every move, waiting for an answer. For a split second, I thought about lying to him and denying it, but instantly throw that idea out of the window. I don't want to do that. Not with him. So, with that in mind, I decide to tell him the truth... Or semi-truth.
"Um... I think you're... interesting" I said blushing.
He raises his eyebrows at me inquiringly.
"Well, then, thank you." He said smiling.
"Um.. You're welcome?"
William laughs, grinning at me, and eventually, I find myself smiling back at him. Then, because I know the period's about to end, and if I don't do it now, I probably won't ever have the nerve to ask.
"Do you want to hang out during lunch?"
Actually, I kind of blurted it more than asked it. And now William's just sort of... staring at me. Blankly. Like I've grown three heads. I kind of want to crawl into a hole. But then, just as the bell rings, he beams at me and nods.
"Of course. I'll meet you in here, is that alright?"
"It's fine."
My god...Please don't let it be the only time he smiles at me like that.
"Great! Until then, I guess, farewell Michael."
He flashes me another grin before beginning to walk away. I watch him go, not looking away even after the library doors close after him. I'm kind of in shock again, to be honest. All that I did actually happen, right? I'm not just imaging that I had a conversation with William, am I? Because everything feels sorts of surreal now.
Which means I'm pretty much screwed if it turns out William is not gay, or if he is, but just isn't into me. Because after that, I'm kind of a lot more infatuated with him than I was. And hopelessly pining after him and dreaming about him just won't do anymore. No, it won't. I need more than that now.
And what's really sucks is that there is two more periods until lunch.
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