The bell just rang for lunch and I am internally freaking out as I walked down the hallway, towards the library. I don't know why, but I am. My palms are sweaty and my heart's beating a million times faster than it should be. I mean, I shouldn't be this nervous; I'm just going to hang out with William, it's not like it's a date or anything. I could understand going this crazy over a date, but over just hanging out? No. Over just lunch? No. Over William? Yes.
Okay. I think I just found the problem. Well, no, no problem. William's definitely not the problem because he's great. It's me that's the problem and me that I'm worried about.
The conversation we had early was embarrassing, with me stumbling over my words and acting shy. I don't want that to happen this time; I really don't want to look like a loser in front of him. I want him to like me, not think I'm completely lame.
I'm almost to the library now; it's just up ahead. Oh, god. Deep breath in...slowly let it out. Deep breath in...Okay, I can do this. I think. No, no. I can. I can definitely do it.
I yelp as someone suddenly grabs my arm and pulls me into an alcove of lockers. Wincing and rubbing the bruised area, I look up at my assailant only to see Alex standing in front of me, looking agitated. My eyebrows furrow in confusion.
"What's wrong?"
"Do you think I'm too flirty?" He asked sounding sincerely distraught.
I blink at him a few times, wondering if I heard him correctly.
"What ?"
"Am I too flirty? Like...when I talk to a girl, do I try to hard?"
"Um... I don't know..." He said looking at him oddly.
What the hell is he talking about? And how the hell would I know if he was too flirty?
Alex makes a strangled noise, pulling at his hair with both hands, and then starts pacing back and forth. I watch him for a minute, becoming even more concerned for him and his sanity. Oh. And I'm panicking a little myself, since I'm supposed to be in the library with William right now. I don't want him to think that I stood him up, but I can't just leave Alex here when he's so obviously distressed. What kind of person would I be if I did that?
So. I'll help Alex out and pray that it doesn't take too long and that William is still in the library by the time I get there.
"Dude. What happened?" I asked grabbing his arm.
Alex grimaces a little then takes a deep breath before beginning.
"Okay. So you know that Goth girl? The one with all the purple that I bumped into yesterday? Yeah, well. Her name's Audrey. And I talked to her today."
"That's great!" I said grinning at him.
But when he shakes his head at me, I stop and frown confusedly at him instead.
"Okay. It's not great. Why is it not great?"
"She doesn't like me."
He looks despondently down at the floor.
"I mean, we only talked for about five minutes, but first impressions are everything, right? And well...apparently I was trying too hard."
Alex laughs bitterly and looks back up at me.
"She told me that, too."
I grimace sympathetically.
Alex nods with a small sardonic smile on his face. It abruptly falls away, only to be replaced by a panicked expression.
"Why doesn't she like me? I'm likeable, aren't I?"
He stares up at me with wide eyes.
I restrain a sigh. Of course the happy gothic girl would make my best friend insecure about himself. Of course I'd be the one who had to reverse the damage. And of course it would be during the time I was supposed to be spending with William.
Damn it. Nothing can ever be simple, can it?
"Alex, look. I can't help what what's-her-name?"
"Audrey."
"Audrey thinks about you. But, yes. You're likeable. If you weren't, I wouldn't be your friend."
I place a hand on his shoulder and give him a reassuring smile.
"Come on. Don't let it get to you just because one girl doesn't think so."
"But she's right. I was trying too hard."
I shrug at him.
"Then the next time you get a chance to talk to her, just be yourself. It's really not that big of deal, Alex."
"Easy for you to say. You're better at not caring about what others think of you than I am." He mumbled pulling away from me and shaking his head.
I don't say anything. Mainly because I don't know what to say. I might not really care what the general population of the school thinks of me, but it's a completely different story when it comes to William. But, somehow, I don't think telling Alex that will help any.
"Well, whatever." Alex said sighing.
He turns and starts walking away.
"I'll see you later. I need to go sulk in a corner by myself for a while."
"Um...Okay...? I guess I'll see you in math, then." I mumbled staring at him uncertainly.
He just raises a hand in acknowledgement as he disappears around a corner. I stand there for a moment, debating whether or not I should go after him to make sure if he's really okay.
And then I catch sight of the time and curse under my breath. It's already ten minutes into lunch. I take off running towards the library. If William is still in there, waiting, then I will be eternally grateful to whatever deity there is. God, I really hope he's still in there.
By the time I reach the library doors, I'm out of breath. I glance around as I open them and, yes! There he is! Sitting at the same table he was at during study hall, listening to music and writing in a notebook. A large grin spreads across my face.
But as soon as I start walking over to him, it changes. Now it probably looks like kind of queasy. Because that's how I feel. Queasy. And nervous. Holy hell, do I feel nervous.
I take a deep breath, mainly because I'm at his table now. God, I feel like I'm about to puke or something, and I really hope I don't do that. That would be beyond embarrassing. And gross. Can't forget about gross.
Okay, okay. Enough. I can do this. Just...give me a moment.
"Hi." I said after taking another breath.
William looks up from his notebook, blinks at me, and then grins. Immediately, I feel a bit more at ease, and am able to sit down in the chair across from him without somehow making a fool out of myself.
"Hey !I was beginning to think you'd forgotten." He said with a smile.
I would never forget. Especially if you're involved, is what I tell him mentally. But what I actually say out loud is.
"No. I just had to talk to Alex for a bit. Sorry."
I give him an apologetic smile.
"Oh, it's okay. Besides, it gave me time to rant, so...yeah."
He shrugs.
"Rant?"
"Yeah."
He nods and taps the notebook with his pen. I look down at it to see almost a full page covered with elegant handwriting.
"When something irritates me, I write about it until I'm no longer irritated. Here."
He pushes the notebooks towards me.
"You can read it, I don't mind."
"Um...okay." I said a bit hesitantly.
William flashes me another grin, and feeling reassured by that, I pick up his notebook to begin reading. And by the third sentence in, I'm kind of in awe by the intensity of it.
Here's what it says:
This people in this school are so conformist that it sickens me. There's basically no one here that I've met that has any personality whatsoever. It seems that everyone wants what everybody else says they should want. There is absolutely no individuality. I have never been in a place so cliquey before, and I thought my last school was bad. Now, I know I've only been here three days, and I have met a few people who aren't trying to be like everybody else, but that's it. All of the rest are driving me insane with their lack of uniqueness. Why doesn't anyone here like themselves?
And the best part about it is, is that they all have a problem with me. Apparently, being a little bit different here is offensive to the student-body as a whole. They obviously don't know how to deal with it either, since everyone's so used to everyone else conforming. All anyone here can do is staring at me with disgust. They don't even have the initiative to say something to my face, which I would genuinely be thankful for at this point just because the first person who did it would stop being a sheep, even if it is for only a moment. But the thing about that is once one person does it, and then everyone else will do it too. And then the cycle would go on and on and on and on.
And I hate it. I wholeheartedly hate and I want it to stop.
I look up from the notebook when I'm finished to find William staring at me intently. It makes me flush a little and I clear my throat as I hand the notebook back to him. He takes it without looking, keeping his blue eyes locked on my face. I try to look him in the eye, but I can't. I guess I'm a little bit shy when I'm around him, and I just need to accept that and move on.
"That was...um...That was wow. Just wow."
But at least I'm telling him the truth. It really was intense, and I'm not really sure what to make of it. I mean...I agree with him and I like it, yeah, I like that I kind of got a glimpse into his mind and I really like that he let me read it, but it puts me a bit on edge. I'm one of the few, right? He doesn't think I'm like everyone else, does he? He won't think I'm just copying him if it turns out that I like something he likes, will he?
Oh, god. Why does it suddenly feel as if my life is on the brink? He makes me feel as if I'm walking on fragile glass, and one wrong move could shatter it, making me fall and ruining any chances of him being attracted to me.
If there was a chance to begin with...
"Yeah...I know it's a little on the extreme side, but...it's how I feel." he said smiling sheepishly at me.
He pursues his lips thoughtfully, looking off to the side and tilting his head a bit. I'm at loss for words to explain to you how cute he looks like that.
"Felt, I'm over it now; well, at least for the moment. I'm sure I'll go off another tirade before the day is over with."
I just blink at him, unsure what to say for what seems like the millionth time today. He notices and starts tugging at his hair in what almost appears to be a nervous gesture. I could drool over how adorable it is.
"Okay, I know how that sounds, but I really don't have anger issues, I swear. I'm just a bit...um, what's the word...overwhelming at times."
"I like it."
Wait...what!? Did I just say that out loud!?
He gives me an odd look, letting out a sudden, but beautiful, laugh.
Aw, shit. I did say that out loud.
"Um..."
I try to think of something else to say that'll make up for that act of utter lameness, but I've got nothing. Damn. My face feels like it's on fire.
William puts his elbow on the table and rests his chin in his hand.
"You're something else, Michael. You're like a breath of fresh air compared to everybody else in this school. Or maybe more like a streak of violet in an otherwise blue sky."
He gives me that mysterious smile of his.
"I like it."
Oh. My god.
Is he...is he flirting with me!? Because it sure sounds like it. I mean...I can't think of any other reason for him to have lowered his voice like that. Or why he would have tilted his head down a bit so he was looking at me through his eyelashes as he said that.
So, yeah. That was definitely flirting.
Holy. Shit.
Okay. I'm yours. I'm officially, one-hundred percent, irrevocably yours. Whatever you want, I'll give it to you. Whatever you want me to be, I'll be it. Mean, hurtful, brown, green, whatever you like, you got it. Want me to be everything I already am, but more? Alright, I'll do that for you. I'll do absolutely anything for you.
Except tell him all that apparently, because when I try to, all that comes out of my mouth is a very dazed sounding
"Thank you."
"You're welcome." He said smiling.
He then stands and nods towards the library doors as he picks up his things.
"Want to walk with me?"
"Yeah, sure."
You don't even have to ask.
"Lovely." He said grinning at me.
I can't help but smile back at him as I stand up as well.
Then we walk out of the library together, with William standing closer to me than necessary, which I am definitely not complaining about.
And I swear, I have never before felt so wonderful in my entire life.
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