We ended up sitting cross-legged in a windowsill to eat our lunch. Neither of us had said much since leaving the library, but that's quite all right with me. The silence isn't awkward at all, and I really don't know what to talk about anyway, so yeah... Not talking is fine. Hell, we could be doing something completely lame right now and I don't think I'd mind at all as long as it was William I was with.
So, anyway. He's watching everyone in the courtyard below us while I watch him munch on baby carrots. I kind of gave up on eating, not only because I'm too busy drooling over him to chew my food and concentrate on not choking, but also because of the appalled look he gave me when I took out my turkey sandwich. As it turns out, William's a vegetarian. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that. A part of me wonders how the hell he can go without eating meat, but the other part of me, the part that is already half in love with him, is telling me to give it up too, because eating slaughtered animals is cruel. Very, very cruel.
Or maybe it's because I really don't want William to give me that look ever again.
I think I'm going to be going without meat for a while.
How pathetic am I?
"Michael. What does that make you think of? "He asked suddenly, without turning away from the window.
I look out the window. Basically everyone who has lunch now is out there, eating or fooling around. It's beautiful out, but I don't really mind not being out there. I like it here better. Being with William is better than being outside, or anywhere else really.
But I'm not supposed to be thinking about that, I'm supposed to be thinking about what everyone down there makes me think of. Well, to be perfectly honest, it doesn't really make me think of anything. It's a whole bunch of kids during their lunch break. All of them still divided into their groups and cliques. Maybe kind of like animals separated in a zoo?
I tell William that, and he smiles a little, still not looking away from everybody below us.
"I can see that. But it makes me think of a circus more."
My eyebrows come together in confusion.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it's not just that down there. It's high school in general, really."
William elaborates. Then he starts pointing at specific groups of kids in the courtyard.
"You've got your freaks, the emo and Goth kids; your acrobats, the cheerleaders; the trained animals, the jocks; and your ringmasters, or, the popular kids that everyone looks up to and wants to be."
He finally looks away from the window, over at me. There's a mischievous and amused look in his blue eyes.
"But then you have your clowns. Personally, I like them the best since they purposely run around and look foolish. All the rest don't realize that they look ridiculous, too. The clown does, though. And he likes it that way. Yet, nobody ever seems to remember the clown. When they leave a circus, they're always talking about the tightrope walker and the lion tamer."
William turns his face back towards the window.
"They have dreams of wanting to be like those people, but rarely does anyone have dreams about wanting to be a clown, the one who probably made you laugh the most and feel the best about yourself."
He sighs, and I watch him scan the crowd.
"There are only a few people here who are clowns. Pity..."
I stare at him in complete awe, because really, what else am I supposed to do after hearing that? Seriously. Where, how the hell did he come up with it? That was unbelievably insightful. I'd never be able to come up with something like that. Holy crap. This boy just keeps getting more and more amazing.
William glances at me out of the corner of his eye and smiles.
"Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I see you as a clown. Not in the 'acting foolish' kind of way, of course. More of the 'make others feel good about them' and 'don't care about what others think about you' type of way."
"That last part's not true."
I told it before I can stop myself, my voice kind of quiet.
"Oh? You do worry about what others think of you?" He asked raising an eyebrow.
"Only the people that matter."
"Like?"
"Like my friends and my family."
"Do you care what I think about you?" He asked his eyes staring intently and directly into mine.
The question is so unexpected that it takes me a moment to even process it, and a few more before I can answer.
"Yeah, I do."
A hard edge enters his eyes.
"Why?"
Because you're amazing and I really, really like you, is the truthful answer, but I can't very well tell him that. So, instead, I just shrug and say.
"I think of you as a friend."
"That's wonderful and all, because I think of you as a friend too."
He said that sincerely, but that hard edge is still in his eyes.
"But you shouldn't care about what I think of you. Trust me. You'll be better off if you don't."
Okay. That was really cryptic and just a bit confusing. I go to ask him about it, but before I can, he begins talking again.
"Anyway. I don't even think you should care about what your friends think about you. If they really don't like something you do or something about you, then why are they your friends? Besides, there isn't one person out there that doesn't have at least one thing about them that doesn't tick you off."
Yes, there is, I think. And I'm looking at him right now.
"Family, though, I agree with you about."
William brushes some hair out of his eyes and looks passed me down the hall, gazing of into space.
"To a certain extent, at least. Because, of course you've got to care since they're your family, the people who mean the most to you. But because of that reason, you can't care too much, since then that means the hurt is that much worse when you find out they really aren't that proud of you after all, or really wish you were smarter or better at sports."
He continues to stare down the hallway with a pensive expression.
I frown at him thoughtfully.
"You say that like you've gone through something like that."
"Hmm? Oh, no. My family's not like that at all. I've just known others whose are. But who gives a damn about that? "He asked looking back at me his eyebrows raised questioningly, and then gives me a half smile, shaking his head.
Once again, I don't say anything because I'm not sure what to say. Because of that, William begins looking out the window again, and we fall into another silence. This one, however, only lasts a minute or two before he sighs again. I glance out the window to see if I can find what's making him do that, but I can't so I settle for asking him what's wrong.
"Have you ever found yourself asking yourself what's there to live for?"
I'm kind of glad that he doesn't wait for me to answer, because I have no idea how to respond to any of things he's talking about. It's all so profound that I don't want to say something only to sound like a complete idiot.
"I have. Multiple times. And the answer is always the same."
He looks up at the sky and points to the sun.
"That right there, the sun. The day. And everything that happens during it, whether it's good or bad. Because of that, I hate when I wake up on the weekends, or during the summer, at midday. It makes me feel like I missed something, like I've wasted the light of day."
William then points back to everyone on the ground.
"But you can tell that they don't care about things like that. They're all too busy running from the things that are said about them, or would be said about them if everyone could see what they've done with their lives when everyone else isn't around."
His voice got really quiet, which was what told me I wasn't supposed to hear what he said next.
"And it's so repulsive that it makes me want to hurt myself."
I stare at William, my mind racing. I can sort of understand what he means, and to a certain point I agree with him, because there are a lot of kids who completely hide who they really are just so people will like them. A lot of them do think that will make everything better. But to say that everyone here is like that is really unfair. There are people down there in that courtyard who are my friends, even if they do care a little too much about what others think of them.
"You're judging too quickly. You don't know everyone here personally, so how can you say each and every one of them is running from something?"
"Everybody's running from something or another. And eventually they'll regret it, and then try running from running, believing that will solve all their problems. But it doesn't. They're all wrong." He said musingly.
"What are you running from, then?"
The words out of my mouth before my brain can filter them and decide that maybe they aren't the most appropriate thing to say.
William snaps his head forward to face me, his eyes intense as he stares directly into mine. I'm worried that I just might have made him angry with that question, but I can't read his expression so I really have no clue. So, I just stare back at him, waiting for an answer.
It takes a few seconds, but eventually, a grin slowly spreads across his face. It's definitely not the reaction I was expecting, but I'll take it. Besides, that's a hell of a lot better than being angry, even if I don't understand what he means by it.
"That's a good question."
Then he turns back towards the window and doesn't say anything else. I take that as an invitation to continue.
"Really, though. You're right about some people, but not everyone here is like that."
I look out the window myself, glancing briefly at each group.
"Some of us...we're not what you think we are. We are..."
"Golden?"
I turn towards him, giving him a confused look. When William sees it, he laughs a little, looking a bit sheepish.
"Sorry. It's a reference to a song."
A thoughtful look passes over his face.
"But now that I think about it, this whole conversation kind of reminds me of that song. Hmm... That's quite interesting..."
Okay. I really have no idea what the hell he was on about, but that hardly matters when he cocks his head to the side like that. I swear to God, it is the most adorable thing ever. It literally almost makes me forget about what we we're talking about. And it doesn't help that he begins chewing on his bottom lip, either.
"Well, anyway." He said shaking his head.
I blink a few time and try to act like I wasn't ogling at him when looks back at me.
"Believe me. Out of everyone here, there's only a few who can actually claim to have personality. All the rest?"
He shakes his head gravely.
"You may think that you've got certain people figured out, but it's like bumping into a friend you haven't seen in years. Do you still think that you know them? You might, but I'm telling you really don't. Suppressing who you really are wears people down. And sooner or later, you just become hollow. Luckily, I'm not that kind of person. I'm not the type of boy to just stand there, staring at an open door, I walk through it. The same can be said about I present myself to people. Others don't want their difference to be noticed, just in case they're too different. I, however, embrace mine and willingly show them off."
William smiles and stands up.
"A lot of people don't like it, but I don't care what they think and I want them to know it. To stick with the 'We Are Golden' theme we seem to be having here, my favorite lyric from that song is 'I live for glitter, not you.' It pretty much sums up everything about me perfectly."
The bell rings and William grins at me.
"I'll see you later, Michael; I really enjoyed having lunch with you."
And with that, I'm left staring at him as he begins walking away without giving me a chance to reply. I slump against the wall, not even making a move to head to my next class. I'm too busy thinking and trying to digest that whole conversation to go to right now. It's just gym, anyway; the teacher could care less if I'm late.
But now that I'm sitting alone without William here to focus all my attention on, I look around me at the people walking down the hall and the people still outside. I stare at them hard, making myself really look at them as if I wasn't someone who's used to being around them, someone who's seeing them for the first time; someone likes William, and I get it. I see what William must see when he looks at these people, and now I understand what he meant when he said it was repulsive, because it is. Especially so for someone like William. I'd want to hurt myself, too, if I was him.
It makes me even sicker when I think about how it took me so long to realize all of this. I'm glad William showed up when he did, or I probably would have never seen it. I wonder if I would have let it bleed me dry, or make me hollow, like he said, if he hadn't shown up when he did.
Whichever way, I needed that wake up call, and I have William to thank for it. I like him even more now for it, which means there's really no hope left for me. I'm already in so deep that I either have to get him, or I'll be completely ruined. End of story.
And maybe it's because I'm losing my mind, or am young and foolish, but there's no giving up until I have him. Giving up is not an option at this point.
Not when you want someone as much as I want William.
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