No, don't wake me up, sun. I don't want to wake up yet.
It's early, I can tell by how cold the air is yet, but it must be somewhat late since the sun is high enough in the sky for its light to shine in my eyes. Still half asleep, I groan and roll onto my side so I'm facing away from it, planning on going back to sleep and back to my wonderful dreams about William. I reach blindly out for said boy to snuggle up against, but my arm touches nothing except grass. I frown and sleepily peek through my eyelids, only to see nothing there.
Suddenly, I'm wide awake, thinking something's wrong. I bolt upright and look around me, searching for William. But he's not on either side of me, nor do I see him anywhere else in the clearing. He's not here at all.
He's gone.
I sit completely motionless then. My clothes still remain in a mess, scattered around me, but that's it. William's clothes are gone; there's not even the smallest bit of evidence that he was here in the first place. And that's when reality hits me hard and leaves me numb. I fall back on grass and stare up at the sky in complete disbelief.
William, that beautiful young man I could have sworn was the embodiment of life itself, left me. He just left me here to sleep, completely naked, in a park without any explanation. And judging by how the slight covering of dew on the grass is only disturbed where I have been laying, he's been gone for a while. And, fuck, that hurts. How it hurts to know he crept out on me like that, and that by the time he did, I was already busy dreaming, blissfully unaware of what he was doing. My god...
But why? Why did he go? Why did he have to go and leave me and all this behind? Was it because of something I had done last night? I don't think I'd done anything wrong... And if I had, why didn't he tell me? Shouldn't he give me another chance? Wasn't I allowed three strikes?
God, why did he do this? If he was just going to leave me, why not just do it right after we'd finished? Why pretend to fall asleep with me? Didn't he want to be with me? Hadn't he said that I could be with him? Be his?
No, he hadn't. Not permanently, at least. But he said I could for just one night. One night, last night. That was all it was. All we were. And I guess that was enough for him. Forget about me.
I think back to last night. I was the one making all the promises, babbling my heart out to him, and exposing myself completely. But William...he, he tried to pull away from me, I remember that now. He'd tried to pull away from me and had shaken off or avoided some of my more intimate touches.
Oh fuck...
My vision blurs and I clench my eyes shut.
What would have happened if I had let him go when he'd tried to pull away? Would this be different? Would I not be here all by myself now? Would last night have even gotten that far? Or would he still be lying next to me?
I don't know and I will never because I hadn't let him go. He didn't even give me a chance to make up for whatever I did wrong. Damn him! Damn him...
Wiping my eyes on the back of my arm, I sit up and start putting my clothes back on. I can't stay here any longer, it hurts too much. And maybe, if I leave here, this will all turn out to be a bad dream, and I'll wake up to find that William's still sleeping in my arms, just as in love with me as I am with him.
I know I won't wake up, though. I can't because this isn't a dream. Dreams don't hurt this much. Only reality can cause this much pain. And this is reality however much I hate that it is and wish that it wasn't.
I begin walking out of the clearing, trying not to glance back at the tree William had me pressed up against last night and failing. I stare at it for a moment before I force myself to look away and move on.
I'm hurt, there's no use in denying it. But even though I'm hurt, I still want answers. I still want to know why. And despite everything, I wish William was here to tell me, because a part of me still doesn't want to believe he just left me to leave me. A part of me hopes to God that it turns out there is good reason for this and that he does care about me. I know that's stupid of me, but I can't help it. It's impossible for me to think the worst of him, albeit knowing deep down that there is no reason other than the fact he doesn't love me, or even like me that way I do him.
I wrap my arms around myself, keeping my eyes on the ground as I walk. I don't know where the hell I'm even headed, but I don't care. It's not like it matters. It feels like nothing matters anymore now that I've lost him. I wish I could stop loving him because of this, but I can't and that sucks because it makes everything hurt that much more. And what's more, I wish I could regret loving him, but I can't even do that either.
William...will you ever tell me why you did this to me? Will you tell me how am I supposed to care about you now, because I honestly don't know. Should I not care at all? Should I hate you? If so, I don't think I can do that...even after all of this.
I love you too much to hate you.
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