I thought the vodka burned going down, but that's nothing compared to how it feels coming back up. I feel like the lining of my throat has been removed with acid.
I just finish emptying my stomach when my cell phone goes off. Groaning at how loud the stupid ringtone is, I fumble for it. Despite the fact that most of the alcohol I drank is now in the grass, some of it still managed to get absorbed into my bloodstream. Enough so I'm dizzy and my motor skills are shot, I can barely push the talk button on my phone. And when I do, I nearly drop it as I try to hold it up to my ear.
"Hull...hullo?" I asked slurring and blinking owlishly at the tree across from me.
There's no wind, so why is it shouldn't be swaying like that?
God, I'm drunk.
"Where the fuck are you!?"
Hey. I know that voice.
"Alex?"
"Yes."
I really don't understand why he's shouting, but it hurts my head.
"Now, where the fuck are you?"
"I'm 'n da...the parkkk. In a cleeearing."
My eyes falling closed. I'm tired.
"Are you drunk?" Alex shouted.
I scrunch up my face unhappily, but still nod at him.
"I'm fuggin' wayyy-sted."
"Stay where you are...I'm coming to get you. And for fuck's sake, Michael, don't drink anymore."
"I can....t. I spilt teh...the bottle. I spilled it."
Alex doesn't answer me; I think he might have already hung up. But I don't know. I don't...oh...fuck. I'm going to throw up again.
I roll over onto my side, coughing and gagging.
God, it fucking burns.
I don't really remember much after that, so I think I may have passed out. I do have fuzzy memories of Alex calling my name, finding me sprawled out in the grass, nearly lying in my own puke, and him picking me up off the ground and practically carrying me back to his car, but those might have just been a dream. I don't know.
What I do know is that Alex is a bastard. The first thing the dick-face did when he got me back to his house was strip me down to my boxers and throw me in the shower with the water fucking ice cold. It did get me back to my senses a bit and made me feel less drunk, but that's beside the point.
Now, I'm sitting on his bed, wrapped in a towel. I'm shivering and I feel like shit. Complete and utter shit. Not because my head fucking kills, though, that is part of it, but because I can still remember what happened last night. My heart feels like it's been torn out all over again. I still miss William and want him. I'm no longer numb and it sucks.
I wish Alex had left me there in the clearing to get fucking alcohol poisoning or to choke on my own vomit.
Fucking hell...
The door bangs open. I wince and whimper at the loud noise it makes, but Alex doesn't apologize; he just hands me a glass of water and two Advil. I down both gratefully, and then look up at him. He looks pissed off. I suppose that's reasonable; I would be too if I was in his place and had to find my drunken ass in the middle of the night.
"Thank you, Alex, for lying to my parents for me when they called, panicking because I hadn't come home yet, and then coming to get me in the middle of a fucking park because I was too drunk to even remember how to walk on my own." Alex said in a mocking tone.
I smile...or more like, grimace...sheepishly at him.
"Thank you."
My voice comes out hoarse and scratchy, and it hurts to talk.
"You're welcome. Now...how about you tell me what the fuck's a matter with you." Alex said glaring at me.
I look down that floor, clenching my jaw. I don't want to fucking talk about it; it hurts enough just thinking about it. And what should I say, anyway? That William fucked me, and then fucked me over? That he broke my heart? That I still fucking love him despite that? Yeah, right. I won't say any of those things.
And as it turns out, I don't have to.
"It was William, wasn't it?"
I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. So, I just nod. Alex is silent for a moment and then he heaves a sigh.
"I knew this was going to happen." Alex muttered.
I snap my head up to look at him, which turns out to be the worst possible thing I could do with this headache. Groaning, I hold my head in my hands, and then squint at Alex.
"What do you mean you knew this was going to happen?" I asked incredulously.
"I mean that I knew he was going to screw you over." He answered looking at me sternly.
And for the first time, I realize that he has the exact same color blue eyes as William. I stare into them for a second before I can't take it any longer.
Holy fuck...
I will not start crying, I will not start crying. I cried enough in the clearing over those stupid blue eyes of William's.
"How?" I asked choking out.
"William's a self-absorbed, pretentious manipulator. I could see that he was when I first met him. That's how I knew the moment you told me you liked him that you would end up with your heart broken."
Regardless of what William has done to me, Alex saying that about him still makes me angry. I look back at Alex, though I carefully avoid looking into his eyes, and glare at him.
"Don't say that about him." I growled.
"Why not? It's true, isn't it? I don't know how you didn't see it, and I don't know why you're so surprised he did this to you. I'm not." He said giving me a baffled look.
"Shut up!" I said raising my voice only to have that backfire when my head starts to throb again.
"OH, come on Michael. I was there in the van the other night; I've seen the way you behave around him. You do whatever he says without question, like his fucking slave. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's how a lover...boyfriend... whatever the hell you call it! Acts."
I shake my head.
"You don't get it..."
"Of course I don't. Because you're the only one in the world who's had their heart broken. Surely, I have never had that happen to me. Oh, no. You're the only one who has felt this way ever before, because sorrow is that peculiar." He said sarcastically.
Have I mentioned how much of a bastard Alex is?
"That's not what I meant!"
Once again making my headache worse. I wish that Advil would kick in soon.
"I can't help the way I act around him. There's just something about William...something that makes me...I don't know. William's just William."
"And William used you, Michael. I get that you're upset about it, so how can I put this nicely?" He said slowly.
He pretends to think for a moment and then pins me with a narrow-eyed look.
"Get yourself together and deal with this like a man. You haven't even known William for a month, so it shouldn't be that difficult to get over him."
"That's where you're wrong."
I can't believe he's saying this stuff to me. How can he? He doesn't understand what I'm going through at all.
"With both parts. I can't just go to the nearest Lost-and-Found to find my spirit, it's not that simple! Because despite what he did, I still love him. Don't you get it? I love him."
Alex stares at me in disbelief for a while.
"You love him?" He said flatly.
I nod.
He then blinks and raises his eyebrows at me in a look that more than tells me I am not going to like what he says next. I don't.
"Well, he obviously doesn't love you, does he?"
"What the fuck, Alex?! I already feel miserable enough...I don't need any help from you!" I shouted staring at him.
"Aww..Would you like me to get you one of my mother's Prozac and see if that helps?" Alex said in a mocking tone.
"Fuck you! Why are you doing this?" I said spitting at him, tears in my eyes.
Alex leans closer to me, and I have to take back what I said about his eyes being like William's. They might be the same color, but Alex's will never look mysterious and like they're seeing straight into your soul. William's eyes are the only ones like that; Alex's are just sincere.
"To wake you up...To make you see how ridiculous you're being over this kid. I know that you said you're sick of being misunderstood and living based on others' opinions, and I get that. But being with William isn't changing anything or helping you, because you can't act like yourself around him either. You've gone from caring about what everyone thinks about you, to just what William does. He's manipulated you, Michael. So screw him. Is he really someone one worth drowning yourself in alcohol over?"
I don't say anything...I can't. I don't... I don't know. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do, or what to say. I don't even know who the hell I am anymore.
And why won't this fucking headache GO AWAY?
I put my head in my hands and stare down at the floor.
Alex is right. William used me, and he was manipulating me right from the start. I see that now, but how could I have been so blind before? God, I don't fucking know. All I know is that he isn't worth it. Screw him.
No. No, I can't do that. I still have feelings for him and I still feel miserable about him doing this to me. I think I'm going to for a while. Sorrow might come in a day, but it's something that doesn't leave in one. It's something that feels like it will never leave.
Fuck. What do I do now? I'm so confused. I want to get over him, but I don't think I can. I don't know what I want. I want William back, but I don't at the same time. Fuck. What do I do?
What the fuck do I do?
I fall asleep before I can come up with an answer.
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