"Are you sure about this?" Alex asked me.
I roll my eyes.
"Yes."
Alex sighs and shakes his head.
"I still don't get why you want to do this. What's the matter with going other places? Why here?"
He gestures to the record store we're standing in front of.
"It just has to be here."
"What happens if you run into William? You know how likely that is, considering this is his brother's place." He asked raising an eyebrow.
I shrug.
"Then I'll deal with it when it happens."
Then I begin walking towards the door. Alex grudgingly follows me.
What he doesn't understand is that the possibility of me running into William is the whole point of coming here. Not because I want to, but because facing William again is something I've been dreading, and I need to deal with this fear or I won't be able to move on completely. I know I can't avoid him forever; sooner or later, I'll have to confront him, and if it happens to be sooner, then so be it.
As we walk into the record store, the man behind the counter looks up from an album he's examining, at us. And with that scruffy, auburn beard of his, there's no mistaking him. It's Rodney, one of William's many siblings, and the owner of the store. I try not to feel too nervous or awkward about not being here with William and after everything that happened.
But it seems that Rodney either doesn't know about it, or doesn't care, because after staring at Alex and me for a few seconds, he grins. I'm suddenly feeling more at ease than I have about this whole thing all day.
"I remember you two. Go right on down." Rodney said.
I smile back at him.
"Thanks."
Rodney salutes us then goes back to examining the record. I glance over at Alex, motioning for him to follow me, and head toward the back to the door that leads below.
The music's audible the moment we open the door and start heading down. With each step, a strange mixture of anxiety and anticipation fill my stomach. It's hard to explain how I feel about doing this, to be perfectly honest. I feel divided, like half of me really wants to let go and just do this, while the other part is scared. I'm honestly terrified of running into William here, because I'm not completely sure if I'll be able to stop myself from doing something stupid. And I really, really don't want to fall into that trap again with him, especially when I'm just beginning to get over it.
Alex and I reach the bottom of the stairs. I look back at him again, my eyes quickly adjusting to the dim light, and see that he's staring at the crowd of people with such an uncertain expression that it almost looks like he's nauseous. It's not a good look on him. I nudge him in the shoulder with my elbow.
"Take that gross look off your face. If anyone should be feeling weird about being here, it's me."
"No, dude. It's...look." Alex said shaking his head.
He jerks his chin forward, gesturing to something in front of us. I look over, and when I see what it is, I immediately understand.
Audrey.
And she's walking, or more like, sauntering, over to us.
"What does she want?" I asked shaking my head.
I look back at Alex, concerned and questioning. I know a part of him still has a thing for her.
"Can you handle this?"
Alex takes a deep breath, straightens up, his face going stern, and then nods.
"Yeah."
I smile at him.
Audrey stops in front of us a second later, smirking up at Alex. She's completely ignoring me, and, you know what?, that's fine. I don't like her, so it doesn't matter to me whether or not she acknowledges my existence.
"Alex."
"Audrey."
That, for some reason, only makes her smirk widen. I don't understand it, and neither does Alex if the way he furrows his eyebrows at her is anything to go by.
"What do you want?"
"Depends."
She smoothed her hands down her purple and black Lolita dress, glancing up at Alex through her eyelashes.
"What do you want?"
"Honestly, I want you to leave me alone." He said glaring at her.
I watch as Audrey hides a smile and clucks her tone mockingly at him.
"That's too bad. Because I wanted to dance with you. Guess that's not happening now..."
She pretends to look disappointed, though her eyes are glittering with mirth.
Alex scoffs angrily at her.
"Don't try to pull that bullshit on me, it's not going to work, I know what you're really here for, and I don't need it. I don't want you fucking with my head anymore, all right? So, go play your mind games on someone else."
I stare at Alex, kind of surprised. Out of all the things I expected him to do, I wasn't expecting that.
And neither was Audrey, apparently.
She glowers at Alex for a moment, looking positively irate, and then abruptly spins around on her heal and storms off. I can't help but smirk a little. I bet she's never been told off or called out like that before. Maybe that'll make her stop being such a stuck-up bitch in the future; though, I really doubt it. She's one of those people who will never change their ways.
Like William.
Scolding myself for even thinking about him, I turn back to Alex and give him an approving look.
"Very nicely done."
Alex shrugs.
"Yeah, well...Anything that might have happened between us would have been empty. On her side it would have, at least. And that makes me seasick just thinking about it, so..."
He shrugs, making a helpless gesture with his hands.
Sort of understanding what he means, I nod in agreement.
He looks down at the floor with a frown, his shoulders slumping.
"I'm going to go find something to drink." He muttered.
I open my mouth to call him back, about to ask him if he's okay, but then decide to just let him go. I can imagine how he feels, and making him talk about it would probably only make it worse.
I watch Alex disappear and then turn into the crowd myself. He's probably not going to be back for a while, and not at all if he runs into someone and starts talking, so I might as well do something myself. Not really sure what to do besides wander through the crowd, but I suppose that's better than just standing around, doing nothing.
As I push and walk past people, I take a good look at them. Nobody looks the same here; everybody stands out in some way, though some stand out more than others. And yet, everyone I see looks completely at ease and comfortable with that—with who they are and what they're doing.
I stop walking, right in the middle of everyone and just look around me. I kind of wondered the first time I came here what the point of having this party was, but now I think I get it. You can be yourself here, and nobody else will really care because they're too busy being their self. It's like everyone is their own unique color, and I'm surrounded as they mix with each other but never truly blend together. I really sort of like it a lot.
This place is so much different than school. While here I feel like I'm floating, at that place I feel like I'm drowning. It's so ridiculous there. I mean, just the other day a few of my old 'friends' came up to me and told me they liked me and wanted me to start hanging out with them again, but not with the 'changes' I've made. It was complete bullshit. I told them to shut up and forget it, if they wanted to hang out with again, then they would have to accept those 'changes', since that's who I am; those are my faces.
I let out a breath and tell myself to drop it. If I don't, it'll only get me aggravated and I don't want to be right now.
So, I glance around, looking for something. I'm not really sure what, but I suppose I'll know when I see it.
But then I see William, talking to two other guys and a girl, and my heart skips a beat. Every time I see him, it still does that, despite how much I don't want it to. Also, it's like the part of me that still wants him manifests into this little one foot boy who sits on my shoulder and tries to convince me to forgive William. I know that may sound weird, but that's what it feels like. And every day that this happens, it weighs me down, like eleven stones that I have to push off as I remind myself William and I are over.
Even then, I still can't bring myself to look away from him. I know I should, and just when I'm about to try to, William looks over. Our eyes meet and I really can't look away now. I'm too scared. Not of him, but... I don't know. I'm just too scared to look away.
We continue to stare at each other, William looking at me speculatively. I take a step towards him, but then stop myself, wondering what the fuck I'm doing. I think my mind has finally gone from everything that's happened. Or...was I crazy all along for wanting him in the first place?
God, I don't know. What do I do? I'm so frustrated about this whole thing that I feel like I'm going to shoot somebody soon. Damn it. I want to go over there and talk to him, but I don't at the same time. And his staring isn't helping; it's just making me even more insane. I need someone to help me drive this craziness away before I completely lose it.
Wait...
What the fuck am I doing? I've already decided that I don't want him back, I want to move on, so why am I questioning myself now? There's no reason to. I'm sick of this hold he has on me, especially when it means nothing and will go nowhere. He doesn't deserve me or these left over feelings I have for him after what he did.
I'm done with him.
Done.
With that in mind, I scowl at William and get the pleasure of seeing a shocked and confused expression on his face before I turn away. And as I make my way through the sea of people, I realize I'm smiling. I can't really help it; it just feels so great to know that I can resist William, after all, that he doesn't have a hold on me anymore.
I'm finally in control, and I have never felt better.
See? I smugly tell that imaginary boy on my shoulder. I don't need William to be happy.
I'm happy on my own.
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