I didn't see William for the rest of the night, which was good because I had no desire to. Once was more than enough.
But after that, I went and found Alex, who had, unsurprisingly, met some girl and was successfully flirting with her. I was pretty much left on my own then, not that I minded. I did not spend the rest of the time there dancing with a few guys who I never got the names of, nor did they get my name, and one lesbian (don't ask me how that happened, because I don't know, either). Overall, and despite seeing William there, it was a great night.
I'm still in a good mood because of it, even though it's now Monday. I don't know how to explain why that is, and to be perfectly honest, I don't even care. I'm just in a good mood and it's awesome.
So, its lunch, and Alex and I are in the courtyard, sitting on top of picnic table, not really doing anything. Well, anything important that is. Alex's is reading something, and I'm just staring at this group of kids a few tables away from us. It's one of the recently formed non-hetero groups. There are a few kids in it that I would have never guess were gay/bi/something-other-that-straight. It's kind of baffling me, though it makes sense at the same time. It's weird, but not really. I mean, once you think about it it's not, but, yeah...
I know. I'm so articulate.
Shut up.
Anyway, there's this particularly good-looking kid, who I think might be a junior. I don't really know for sure, though. I can't remember his name (if I even knew it to begin with), but I know I've seen him hanging out with the 'skaters' before. He's one of the people that I'm surprised is gay/bi/something-other-that-straight, but I kind of really like that he is. Now I'm just trying to decide if it would be a good idea to go over there and introduce myself. Not really sure if I'm ready for another attempt at starting a relationship with someone, even though it's been about two weeks since The Incident with William.
But this kid really does have a lot going for him. He's tall, has dark brown hair that's border-lining on the shaggy side, and this lopsided grin that is ridiculously attractive. His jeans fit him very nicely too, if you know what I'm saying..
"Michael."
Reflexively, I turn towards the voice that said my name, and then feel a heavy weight drop into my stomach when I see the owner of that voice.
William.
I do my best to look at him dispassionately as I swallow the rising taste of bile in my mouth.
"William. What?" I asked keeping my tone as neutral as possible.
"I need to talk to you."
His expression is unreadable, so I have no idea what to make of what he said or him, in general.
"All right..." I said carefully.
"Actually, I was hoping we could do it in private."
His blue eyes flicker to Alex, who is now watching us with a frown.
I stare at William as I decide what to do. Half of me is dying to tell him to fuck off, but the other half is curious. I know I'm probably not going to like what he has to say, but I still want to know what it is, because, I honestly have no clue. I can't imagine what he 'needs' to talk to me about, especially when I thought he pretty much said everything he needed to say to me in that classroom.
After about a minute of internal confliction, my curiosity wins.
"Fine." I said pushing myself off the picnic table.
"Thank you." He said beaming at me.
It's the same smile he gave me before what happened in the clearing, the one that I fell for. But, strangely, it has no effect on me now. I guess knowing what a complete asshole he is lessens the effect.
"Michael." Alex said warningly.
William flicks him a nasty look, and even though it only lasts a nanosecond, I still see it. I glare at him, narrowing my eyes. When William sees me, he cocks his head sideways, looking at me innocently.
Ha. Nice try, I think as I look back over to Alex. But you don't fool me anymore.
"I'll be back in a few minutes."
I'm not going to let William get to me. It must work, because after staring at me for about half a minute, Alex nods slowly and then goes back to reading his book.
I turn back to William, looking at him coolly.
" Lead the way."
He smiles at me pleasantly, or, it would be pleasantly if I didn't know any better, and does exactly that, making me follow him to a tree that's all the way on the other side of the courtyard. Nobody is around us, or even remotely close to us. I eye him warily. What exactly is he playing at?
"All right. What do you need to talk to me about?"
It isn't until after the words leave my mouth that I realize just how impatient and annoyed I sound. Oh, well.
William blinks at me in confusion, his eyebrows furrowing. It's kind of like his reaction to my scowl at the party. He really doesn't understand why I'm behaving like this. Jesus fricken Christ. I very nearly roll my eyes at him.
But then he has the gall to look sheepish and coy, fidgeting and glancing at the ground. I do roll my eyes at him this time. Two weeks ago I would have believe this act of his, because that's all it is. But not now. Now I know what that glint in his eye means. Nothing he says to me will be sincere.
Not that anything ever was.
"Look, Michael...About what I said in the classroom, forget it. I..I only said all that stuff because I was...uncertain about some things. I really didn't mean it."
He looks back up at me, his eyes meeting mine, which is a big mistake on his part, because there's that glint. He's a fool if he thinks I'll believe him after seeing that.
But, you know what? He's been playing me all this time, and still is, so I think it's my turn to play with him a little.
"Uncertain? About what?" I asked trying to look as convincing as possible.
"Well, it was sort of shocking that you already felt so..strongly about me."
William smiles at me a little.
"I mean, how would you feel if someone who you've only known for little over a week told you they loved you?"
Ah, crap. He does have a point there. Damn him. But luckily, I'm no longer delusional.
"And because I was so surprised, I reacted too hastily, without really thinking about it, and said some things I really didn't mean. So, I'm sorry. And I've thought about it, and I've accepted that you really do feel that way about me."
He gives me a shy, hopeful smile that I can see right through without even trying.
"I was kind of hoping we could give it another try, except we would take things slower this time?"
I can't help it, I burst out laughing. And, for a split second, a dark look passes over William's face before he looks at me, confused and questioning.
"Fuck you. If you think I'm actually going to believe any of that bullshit, you've got another thing coming." I said cheerfully.
"Michael." He said feigning a hurt expression and tone.
I roll my eyes at him.
"I...I don't understand."
"Oh, like hell you don't, I'm not completely stupid, William. Don't try to tell me you didn't mean what you said, because I know you did. In fact, that's probably the most honest you've ever been with me."
Glaring at him, I shake my head.
"So, you might as well just drop the pretense altogether now, because I'm not buying it anymore."
"Michael. Didn't you hear me? I said I want to work things out with you." He said looking at me uncomprehendingly.
"And didn't you just hear me? I know that's a lie. And, just so you know, it would've probably been more convincing if you realized the world doesn't revolve around you or your massive ego. Just because you say that doesn't mean I'm going to fall at your feet."
A scowl appears on William's face as he finally drops the clueless act.
"You're the only one who said you were in love with me."
"And you're the one who made me realize that that isn't true, that I only thought I was. Thanks for that, by the way. It not only made me realize that, but also how much of a pretentious asshole you really are."
William just glares at me, visibly fuming. There's still this look of genuine lack of understanding on his face, though, and because I'm the better person out of the two of us, I decide to take pity on him.
"Here's the thing, William. (Graciously, I might add, which is more than he deserves.) You talk about life, death, and everything in-between those two things like it's nothing, and it makes you seem oh so cool. But you're not."
I give him a look when he opens his mouth, about to say something, and for once he's wise enough to shut it.
"You're nothing but an attention-seeking, lying manipulator, and you get away with it because the words are so easy for you. People can't help but listen to you. Trust me; I know. But I'm not buying it anymore. Besides, it's kind of hit me just how conceited you really are. I'm pretty sure every conversation we had was just you talking about yourself."
"How is that any different from you talking about me and everything I do like it's something that needs repeating? You're obsessed with me." He said scathingly.
"Was. And it was more of an intense infatuation and admiration, which now I see was wrongly placed, than obsession. So, don't flatter yourself; your opinion of yourself is higher than it should be already."
Thoughtful, I raise an eyebrow at him.
"Why is that anyway? What's your alibi for thinking you're better than everybody else?"
"I don't need one. It's obvious." He said haughtily.
I snort.
"All right. Whatever you say."
William narrows his eyes at me angrily.
" Why are you doing this?"
But I know the real question he's asking is Who the fuck do you think you are, speaking to me like this? Or something like that. Egotistic bastard. Like I need to explain myself to him when he doesn't think he needs to me. I don't need him to realize that all the things we left unsaid between us are only taking space up in our head.
Plus, I think it's about time someone told William exactly where he can shove that holier than thou attitude of his.
"Yes, try to make it my fault. Jesus Christ, William. This isn't a fucking game; there's nothing for you to win. Point the finger and place the blame on me all you like, but it's not going to change a damn thing." I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
"And you think cursing me up and down will?" He asked giving me a look.
Knowing I'm about a second away from completely flipping shit on him, I hold my breath and just stare at him, hard. I'm finding it kind of strange that I don't feel bad at all about saying these things to him. I mean, other than the fact that he's scowling at me, he still looks like the William who was dancing down the hall the first time I saw him. He's still got that way of dressing, those messy curls, and those blue eyes that seem to see straight into your soul. But I don't feel anything except resentment towards him now.
I wonder when it'll happen, when I'll just abruptly go back to liking him, but I don't think I ever will. He's more than ruined his chance.
"Does it really matter that much to you what I said in the classroom?" He asked incredulously.
When I continue to just stare at him, he scoffs and rolls his eyes.
"For god's sake, Michael!"
"Even if only half of what you said is true, it was still enough. How do you expect me to want to be in a relationship with you after you've flat out told me you like hooking up better because you don't believe in love?"
William heaves a put-upon sigh.
"That was a lie, Michael."
Well, obviously.
"And I know I wasn't exactly the greatest or that attentive to you. But if I promise half of what I didn't do before could be different this time around, would it make it better? Would you forgive me?"
The answer to that is simple.
"No."
The muscles in William's face twitch in annoyance, but he just doesn't know when to give up.
"What if we forget the things we know about each other? You know, like start over from the very beginning? Would we have somewhere to go, then?"
I roll my eyes and then pin him with a fierce look.
"No."
"Why ?" He asked sounding sincerely clueless.
"Because things will never get better between us. Things will never go up hill. For us, the only way is down. I didn't see that before, but I can see that now. So...You can forget about us getting back together, we weren't even together in the first place, which you made perfectly clear. And you can forget everything that happened between us; it doesn't matter now."
"But why?" He asked glaring at me angrily.
If he had stomped his foot, it wouldn't have surprised me. Actually, I'm more surprised he didn't.
"Because I don't care if I never talk to you again."
I snap, and that's the truth. That's the honest truth.
I don't care about him anymore.
At all.
"You're trying to get me to believe that you're upset about me nor being with you, or whatever, but I don't. This is not about emotion for you, William. Don't try to pretend otherwise. I know what you're really upset about is the fact that I've gotten over what you've done to me, and now you have no control over me anymore."
Whoa. I was kind of just aiming in the dark there, but from the way William's eyes just flashed, I apparently hit the target dead center.
"And I don't need to give you a reason as to why I no longer care what you say, but if you must know, it's because everything that comes out of your mouth is a bunch of bullshit."
I glower at him, shaking my head slowly. I'm not angry; not really, it just feels really good to let this all out.
"More to the point, I now see how ridiculously pretentious and shallow you are. Or, if that still doesn't strike you as a good enough reason, then blame it on what happened in the end. I'm not about to be with someone who's already led me on, used me, and then threw me away like a piece of trash. Fuck no."
I gulp in air, having said all of that in one breath, and then continue. William may be staring at me, eyes wide with disbelief, but I'm not done yet. Oh, no. There are still some things I have to say to this asshole.
"I can tell you're so used to getting whatever the hell you want, and when you don't, it's completely incomprehensible to you, so I know it don't make sense to you."
But then I smile at him spitefully, because he's done it to me, and I think I should share with him how it feels to be on the receiving end.
"And it doesn't have to, because this is my interpretation, not yours. So, what I'm basically trying to say here, William, is fuck you. I'm done being manipulated and used by you just so you can be entertained. I'm done. With you and all of your bullshit."
I grin happily at him, because, man, how great it feels to say that to him. Then, I turn around and walk away, leaving him to stare at my back with his mouth open in disbelief.
And as I do, I feel a little piece of my heart, or maybe my soul, break away from the rest and stay there with him. But that's okay. I've come to realize and accept that a small part of me will always be his, no matter how much of a douche bag he is. Though, now I know I'll be able to move on, for sure, with everything I wanted to say to him said. Losing that little piece of my soul/heart/whatever to him is just the small price I have to for it. And, you know what?
It's really not such a sacrifice.
Comments (0)
See all