Madison Grace:

Stay numb and carry on...

too young to hate someone...

I opened my journal as I stopped singing. The more I look into my journal, the more I want to cry. All I could tell to myself is, 'Madison Grace, suck it up. You are not a child. Xander is in your past. You don't have to recall the past.'

The past sucks. I don't wanna think about it. But I assure you, that I will tell you about it soon. Right now, you guys need to know about me. About my stupid, useless life. I'm 22 years old who was working in a company with more salary. But now, I'm jobless. My parents can't help me financially. I need to help them financially. That's why I came abroad to study and found a good job. But the company got closed. Now, I and my friend are jobless. Did I tell you about her? She's Sofia Maria. She's my best friend in my awful school days. She helped me with a lot of things ( including the problems I have faced with I fell in love with Xander). I and Sofia live in an apartment with a single room. Just a single big hall which contains a kitchen, bedroom. We are so pathetic. I never have any good memories to recall. Not even Xander. 

Loving him is the biggest mistake. I don't blame him for hating me. It's the incident and persons who caused that situation. But it hurts that the boy I used to love, hates me. It's okay if he doesn't love me. But the hatred kills me. He's the smartest boy in the whole class. I met him in my ninth grade. At that time, I have been so eager to know about him. In a year, I was madly in love with him. It's defiently not because he's from a millionaire family.

I don't care how much money he got. All I care about is him. His character...the way he talks...the way he smiles...how he used to help everyone expect me ( there's a whole lot of reasons for it which is supposed to be hidden now). I got hypnotised by his hazel hair, ocean eyes, his perfect jawline. 

I couldn't really know more about him. I never get to be his friend. But something in my heart is not letting him go even after all these years. I still believe I get to be with him. That he's my soulmate. Talking about soulmate seems stupid to some people. I have been the one who believed it all my life. In simple words, I still believe. I still believe that we are destined to be together no matter how impossible it seems. 

" Close that stupid journal. All you wrote is about Xander. Xander. Xander. Is he worth it, Madison?" Sofia scolded me out of care for me.

" I'm sorry. I caught up in some bad memories. But I won't throw this. I know you are going to say that." I told her clutching my dairy tightly in case she made a move to tear the papers or throw the whole damn dairy.

" I know you won't do that. Why wasting my time? Just forgot it, Madison. It's been four years. Since you transferred to another school and worked in a company for two years. I don't know why you still can't forget him. He's out of your life."

The moment she said the last word, I frowned. Yeah, she's right. Iam wasting my time with an idiotic belief. I'm never gonna meet him again. Even if I did, he still hates me.

" Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. You are beautiful, Madison. You have a good heart. You deserve someone like you. You don't need to go behind someone who doesn't love you. I'm not being harsh. I just want to say that you deserve the best. " Sofia apologized.

" I wish you are right. I wish someone good happens in my life. Once in my life. I just found my old journal. That's why I got distracted by these feelings. This isn't the right time for this. We need to find another job. We are running out of money." I said, looking at our messy room. Nobody could live in our messy single room.

" Yeah, I was gonna talk about that. I already got a job for us. There's no need for an interview but I'm not sure whether you like that job." Sofia said with hesitation.

" You got a job? That's amazing. All we need a job. Which company?" I asked eagerly. But without an interview which company will give us a job?

" It's not a company. I got a waitress job in a cafe. That's the least I can do, Madison. Please don't say no to this. The owner just wants two waitresses. This job is better than doing nothing. What do you say? Our work starts tomorrow."

" What??? This is way too fast. I...I can't anything but accept this. Tell me about the salary and the cafe." I told her, deciding to accept it. I need to concentrate on what's important. Going behind my love for Xander isn't gonna do anything. The more I seek to love, it goes away from me. It's better if I let go. I need to let go of something that isn't for me. Am I right?

.....

I got all the information I needed about the cafe. I started the day with a little smile on my face. " So, you two are the new waitress? Good. Wear this uniform and start serving the customer. I don't think I need to teach you how to serve?" The owner, a short guy in his thirties spoke.

" Nope. We will start working. Thank you for the job." Sofia said, taking the uniform to the dressing room. The uniform isn't that bad. A mixture of light orange and red. But it reminds me of the 'Two broke girls' series. Did I become poor in just a poor? Oh, god. I guess my life is falling apart. Nope, it already fell apart. I don't think it could be fixed.

For the rest of the day, I worked hard. The job wasn't difficult. But I feel like the salary isn't enough. And I wish I could find some job better than this. 

" Is it time for us to leave? I'm too tired." I told Sofia while taking the menu to give to the new costumers.

" Umm, just half an hour. Bear with it, please. You got no other choice." Sofia pleaded. I need to adjust. Sofia was the one who got the job for both of us. We need to go this to live.

" Yeah, We got more days to work here. It's just the first day. I can do this." I told, bringing up a smile on my tired face. I walked up to a couple to give the menu. I asked what they want to eat. Suddenly, my heart started beating faster without a reason. I didn't saw the girl's face. But the boy turned towards me before he got the menu card from me. I recognized him. How could I not? He's...Xander. Xander who used to hate me. Who I used to love unconditionally. No, this should not happen. I decided to forget him. I don't want to see him again when he doesn't belong to me. He was never mine. And never will be. Then why the hell am I seeing him again? And then he spoke a single word.

" You?"