I don't know what should I say next. I'm speechless. Why god has to torture me like this. At that moment, my mind goes back to my worst past in a flash. The worst nightmare...

Right when I was in ninth grade. I was never been happy with my life ( which I'm not ready to tell unless the time comes). But when he entered my life. Everything collapsed around me. I was studying in the same school all my life but I have never seen him. He's transferred from Spain. I heard he have been travelled around many countries. Now, he was supposed to be here. To see me. And destined to hate me.

I was tapping my pen on my table and curling my hair with my hand. He caught my attention when he entered the class. I shouldn't be staring straight at him like that but I couldn't stop myself. It was like my heart is telling me that 'he's the one. That whispering was ringing somewhere in my ears. I got lost in his eyes. I never had this feeling and was mesmerised like this. I realised he's my first crush. Not only a crush. Love at first sight. It may sound silly, but that's how it is.

He sat in front of me. My heart almost skipped a beat at that moment. When the class started, all my attention is on him even though I'm seeing his back. I wished I could talk to him. I was desperate for it in a single period. I couldn't get that chance or the courage to talk. He just turned sideways to talk with a boy next to him. I looked at his shining hazel hair. His voice was sexy like him. 

" Dude, stop saying that. You are boring me," He said. I don't know what he's talking about but I could hear it for all centuries. In this advanced world, when everyone is falling in and out of love and in and out of bed, I'm here staring at a boy with a secret crush for the very first time.

That's when someone shook my shoulder. " Hey, are you coming? We have to go to the next block for French class?" I looked up at my best friend Veronica and Sofia was standing next to her.

" Yeah, yeah, I'm coming," I told her and absent-mindedly followed her outside the class. I looked at the unknown hot boy who hypnotised me without knowing it. For a minute, I felt like he looked at me. I would probably be imagining things.

When we got to the next class, I didn't utter a single word to my friends. I know Sofia and Veronica are my two best friends. I couldn't imagine my life without them. We three can never be parted apart. But still, I felt silly about telling this little feeling to my friends. Maybe these feelings would pass by soon. 

Days passed by, months passed by, a year passed by. Now, I'm obsessed with him. Did I tell you his name? He's Xander. The moment I heard his name, the name was ringing in my ear like a wedding bell. But I can't plan a June Wedding like Caroline did in the Vampire Diaries. My life doesn't work the same way. Anyways, It's not only his face that made me fall in love with him. It's his character too. I have never seen a sweet millionaire guy. Since his parents are rich, he should be a filthy rich bad boy. But that's not how he behaves to anyone. He can be sweet and cold whenever he wants. Of course, I'm not the only one who falls in love with him. A lot of girls are head over their heels for him. But not everyone caught his attention. He's too smart to be fooled by girls who are coming behind him for his money. He's good at analyzing people with hidden intentions. The only time I get to talk with him is in the classroom.

" Wow, you are proving that you are a nerd every time you get this, " He commented when he saw my test marks. I don't want to blush for that single line he talked. I managed to smile a little and looked at his marks.

" Yeah, but not as good as you. Am I the only nerd?" I said, as he laughed and replied.

" That was a one-time thing, Madison," he said and turned back. So, now you know, it's not hatred from the beginning. But it would be due to...I will save it for later.

......

" It was so much fun a week ago. The only thing I missed is you. Why didn't you come to that Friday party, Madison?" Veronica asked me while we three of us are sitting in a park and enjoying the cold breeze.

" Well, I'm an introvert, duh. No matter how many times you ask me, I'm not coming to a party every week. I really need to charge my social energy." I replied to her.

" Okay, we understand you. But how do you have your charge full when you are with us?" Sofia questioned me.

" I don't need my charge when I'm with you guys. Don't you know that?"

" Yes, we do. But I'm just trying to change you. I guess I failed again." Veronica shook her head and we all become silent thinking of something to talk about. If I could count how many friends I have, I can only raise two fingers. That's it. But that's worth it and the best than having uncountable friends. That's when it strikes me. Why shouldn't I share my feelings with my friends? I would feel relieved if I did that. Plus, I have to make a move to get Xander's attention. It's killing me to seeing him single and with unconditional love for him. I know many things about him but I never get to be his friend. How can I get to know him fully without talking with him?

" So, what do you guys say if I said I have a crush on someone in our class?" I started with a lot of hesitation. Both of their eyes were on me with curiosity.

" Wow, I didn't see this coming. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Am I dreaming?" Veronica got too excited while Sofia was speechless. They know that I'm not the one who even lay my eyes on a boy. I'm not a lesbian but a girl with a fucked-up life. I have a lot of problems in my family which made me who I am? I don't want to exaggerate it. 

I had an older sister named Tracy who died in a car accident. When our family was dealing with that tragic accident, my dad becomes a drunk addict. He couldn't handle that pain and that almost made him forget that he has a second daughter to take care of. But I don't blame him. Because that accident affected my mother too. She lost her mind for real. She becomes Psycho and imagining things that don't exist. One of the imagination is that my sister is alive. My mom didn't stop there. She's in search of the killer who did that accident to kill him. With the help of some relatives, I tried my best to bring back my mom who was happy when my sister was alive. But I failed. Now, she's in our relative's house well taken care of and dad's a drunk who visits home rarely. And I came abroad to study with financial help from my relatives. But when I grow up, I have to earn. I have to survive and pay back for my relatives who are dealing with my parents. I have shared this with my two best friends. But that doesn't go to bring back my sister or the happiness I lost in me. I'm grieving for my one and only sister who's a part of my life. When Tracy died, one part of me died leaving me miserable. In simple words, my life is fucked-up. Every pain is in the past, present and it could be in my future too. I lost my hope a long time ago.

While having all these grieves, this is a feeling I got for someone. I know I got these feelings cause I'm looking for someone who could patch all the broken pieces of my life. My whole family has shattered four years ago. All I got is my two best friends. Is it wrong to look for love? with who I could share my life? When my heart tells that Xander's the one. Now I'm pouring it, so it won't add up to one of my miseries. 

" Who is that, Madison? Say it right now. I couldn't wait any longer." Veronica urged me. I got back from the past memories trying to feel numb.

" Um...I'm in love with Xander for a year,"