This is what I've always wanted, I'm often ashamed to encounter in my dreams; This is not what I always wanted, it came too suddenly, too intensely. I can't stand it. But I can't refuse either.

 I was already my ex-husband's man, even though he abandoned me. Before, I never thought that, in all my life, besides the husband, I could fall into the arms of another man. At that time, my thinking was working very fast, I was torn between chastity and lust.

 At that moment, my cousin tightened his grip even more, as if he didn't want me to be free to think about it.

 I sighed softly, finally relaxing my body, gently resting my head on his chest. I could clearly hear the sobbing sound of thousands of drums in his chest.

 For the past four years, the love for my cousin has always been the clearest and most permanent thing in my heart.

 In the end, I became soft in the face of love.

We stayed like that in each other's arms for a while. I wish I could die in this very moment.

 Until I heard footsteps in the distance, my cousin reluctantly let go of me. I blushed, looked up at him, and turned quickly to leave the peach orchard, where my man was. I ran so fast because I was afraid that the flowers and butterflies would run after me to congratulate me.

 From then on, every time my cousin and I looked at each other, our eyes were filled with love and concern. Those sweet feelings are like the roots of a tree, piercing deep into my soul.

 He business is very busy. When he was not there, I often went to the peach garden alone, reminiscing about what had happened. I remember his passionate, passionate embrace, remembering sitting blankly laughing to himself, and then ashamed and self-blame.

 I carved my cousin's name on the trunk of one of the biggest peach trees, the most brilliant blooms in the garden. Since then, I have one more thing to dream about, a place to turn to.

 That period was the most beautiful time in my life, I found every day to be a sunny day.

 But there is one thing that makes me unable to bravely face my cousin, which is the status of "abandoned wife" that I am carrying. I don't know if my cousin knows, if he hates me. Before, I was afraid my cousin would find out about this, but now, I want to have a man who can tell him everything, because, I am starting to have a desire for a long-term relationship with him.

 I also wanted to take the initiative to tell him, every time he called a cousin, he would tilt his head to look at me and give me a gentle encouraging smile. Before that attitude of his, it was really hard for me to open my mouth.

But in the end, I managed to tell him, I chose the best time to tell him everything. It was Mid-Autumn Festival, my cousin and I sat drinking wine in a small communal house in the garden. The afternoon sun shines on each iridescent…

 It was in the afternoon, and my cousin had brought some breakfast from the North and a bottle of wine, and the two of us had dinner together in a small communal house by the lake in the garden. I played some of Jiangnan's music, and the warm afternoon sun also made people feel sluggish. The fish in the pool swam back and forth leisurely. The atmosphere is comfortable and pleasant.

 That day was Mid-Autumn Festival, my cousin excitedly hummed a few verses to the sound of my piano, the mood was somewhat excited.

 Each ray of sunlight shines on the sparkling lake water. I picked up the crumbs of my breakfast and dropped it into the lake to watch the fish race to the top for food.

This same lake, last winter, almost took my life. Unexpectedly, three months later, on this very day, I could sit by the lake again, watching the clear blue water and poetic scenery with the person I love.

 “Remember, younger cousin once nearly drowned in this lake.” – I said, recalling the scene then, even though it was not cold, I still felt shivers.

 "What? Why? Is it because you slipped and fell into the lake?” ' He asked, standing up, worried.

 I used to just casually say it like that, but I didn't expect my cousin to want to know the bottom line. But the cause of the incident is the secret that I find it most difficult to tell.

 "Yes." Hesitating for a long time, I let out a sigh “It was suicide.”

 "Younger cousin!" My cousin gently helped me to sit on the chair, took my hand and continued to ask: “ Younger cousin, the two of us have a good mind, though not apricot bar code but love each other very much. Younger cousin has something wrong, if younger cousin bdon't mind, just say it, as long as I can help with something, I'll help. After all, what is it that makes younger cousin think like that?"

After my cousin finished speaking, trying to control his anxiety, he looked at me encouragingly. I wanted to run away from those concerned eyes, but my cousin held my hand too tightly. I don't know if it's the warm rays of the spring sun, the embellishment of the rippling lake water, the embellishment of fine wine and delicious food, or the gentle encouraging gaze of my cousin. I told him everything.

 As the first sentence came out, his hand tightened on mine.

 "When I was fifteen years old, the same year that I met you, not long after you go to away, my father married me to the Ngo family in the next district."

 After a long time, my cousin regained his senses, looked serious and sad, and asked me to continue - "Go on, I'm listening."

 After that, the life of the past four years, all the pain and shame that happened, was meticulously recounted by me in one afternoon. When it came to the part where I had no choice but to jump into the lake to commit suicide, my tears were wet with my shirt.