He looks down at the ground and i decided to sit down beside him on the cold dirt. I pick up a pine cone and throw it against a tree in front of us. We are sitting there for a while quiet without him giving me an answer. I pick up another pine cone and extend it to Eydan. 

Im holding it towards his head, he looks over to my hand while he cautiously sits up properly. He looks me in the eyes and tries to force a smile to his lips. His eyes are dark green and still filled with tears. It kinda looks like they are shimmering when the sunlight hits them. Its something about him that makes my heart beat double but i dont know what, there is too many things to choose from. Maybe its his freakles that can be seen covering half of his face, or his dark hair that could be described as the perfect chaos. Or is it that he tries so much even if its the worst kind of torture for him?

Three hours go by and we are forgotten in the woods. Pine cones that flies back and forth across the ground, the hidden laugh that was almost impossible to hear are now echoing through the trees. All dark thoughts that was buried deep in his mind had now eased, for the moment at least. 

When the sun finally started meet with the horizon shouts could be heard from the house. I started to walk a few steps until i saw that Eydan didnt follow.

I looked up at his face and saw that the smile that was previously there now had faded into a grim expression. He put his hands in his pockets and started to kick a pine cone that laid on the ground.

He started quietly with his face turned from me. His whole body seeming to refuse to look at me, to go back.

I thought for a moment and then chose to approach him. I pulled his arm back and then took a firm grip on his warm hand. He looked up at me confused at my actions.

His cheeks turned a slight shade of pink while a smile grew on his lips. He nodded as a thanks as we started to head back to the house.

After that day we met eachother almost every night after school. We went to the forest to buid a secret hideout where we would tell eachother secrets that no one else knew, or else we went home to me to play games on my old nintendo. Just the two of us under my blue fuzzy blanket laughing and screaming over the games. But sometimes we walked over to his mothers grave just to sit there and talk. We told her about all our adventures and he told her about how much his dad missed her. It wasnt often i got to see his smile, but when i did it made my day. 

He never talked to me about his dad or how they had it at home. But i could understand that he felt alone and just wanted someone to be with without any worries. During that time, it just felt like he was a good friend or even a brother to me. But now when i look back with a new perspective i understand that it was way more than that. But then one day he told me that we wouldnt be able to meet and play anymore, that he was moving away to some place called Leyton. I had a hard time accepting what he said beacuse what would i do without my best friend? I didnt wanna lose him or our friendship so when the day came and i stood at the airport my tears wouldnt stop falling. He had hugged me and hidden away his face from me, probably beacuse he couldnt look me in the face. As he hugged me i placed my hand on top of his head and stroke through his soft but wildly unkept hair. He twitched and then turned his head away from me.

He shoved his hand into his pocket and took out a silver chain with a stone. The stone was almost as green as his eyes and gleamed in the light. He took my hand and dropped the chain into it while he closed it with both his hands. 

At last his dad had to drag him through the isle to the plane. I was left looking through the big windows that was facing his now moving plane. When they finally lifted from the asphalt i realized that i now was all alone. 

I felt like a figther living through the days, weeks, months and at last years but he never came back.

When i was 16 years old and going through the eleventh grade there was this new girl in class. Her hair was long and brown like dark chocolate, the clothes dark with band signs and the tights were torn apart for most part of the leg. She wasnt at all like the other girls in class and maybe thats why she caught my attention. Her name was Esther and she became my new best friend. When we started talking i noticed that we were not different at all. When all the other girls got their eyes on me Esther were the only one i could hide with, who made me feel normal. We did and told eachother everything, we were like eachothers diarys were the secrets never leave the pages. By the time i told her about Eydan i had finally figured out my real feelings for him. I could finally stop lying to myself about seeing him as just a friend. After i told her it felt like we grew closer and more permanent than ever.

We went past a few girls who time and time again tried to get my attention. I already had girls who asked if they even had a chance at me, but the only answer i could give was that i already have feelings for someone. Everytime i give that same answer the ask me if its Esther i like. Esther herself doesnt seem to care about what they are saying and gossiping about, so the only thing i do back i nod, terrified that the truth will come out.

After school Esther stays behind to wait for one of her friends outside the building. I open my locker to take my bag out and throw it over my shoulder. I close the locker again and step outside the front door when i hear Sarah in our class scream my name.

She comes running past the schoolyard towards me with one of her hands waving in the air.

It almost seems as she is panting the words out of her mouth. But still with that big smile across her face, i almost start to laugh beacuse of how funny the scene is.

It felt like a storm came freezing me to the spot. “I thought i could trust you”. How could she have known that? What am i supposed to do now? “Is something like you even a real person?”. Like a whirlwind in my head i see how they will bash my head with comments, with dissapointment, with anger. I know that if i like this they wont take me seriously. “I belive he was dropped on his head as a child”. I cant take that, the rumors or the facts, and what if my parents find out about it, i will never be able to come back home again. “why did you lie about who you really are to us?”.

I feel my stomach punching its way through. Why? She said, she promised that she would never tell anyone. The only one i have left to trust betrays me. I feel how im about to tear up so i turned my back to Sarah and starts walking away from the school. I hear her mumbling behind me but im already too far gone.

I pick up my phone from my pocket, desperatly looking through my contacts after Esthers number. I press it and the tones starts echoing through the speaker. I call again but no answer, the panic starts growing inside me, betrayal and a broken trust.

Im on my way home when i feel the rain dropping on my shoulders. I decide to take the shortcut through the woods and then out beside the graveyard. I run alongside the brick fence towards the front passway where i stop. Someone is standing there. Someone is standing by her grave. For a moment i let myself forget about the now, and only fill my thoughts about the past, about Eydan. I run with my hands over my head until im a few meters in front of the grave. I look at the man who is two meters in front of me by the sad grave. The man looks up from the grave and faces me. It isnt Eydan, it cant be Eydan he will never come back. Its been 6 years since he left, i cant hold on to this hope anymore.

The man who is almost two heads taller than me has his face in the dark, concealed by the rain and shadows between us.

I snap out of my thoughts and pull my jacket harder around me.

He begins to laugh and i can see a hint of a smile growing on his face. He picks up an umbrella that he had leaning on the gravestone. He folds it out and steps closer to hold it over my head.

My mind started racing again and the words got stuck in my throat. I couldnt find any right words, anything to say in this moment. I look closer at his face and sees the freckles still there with the same green eyes smiling at me. 

He nods and my whole world falls apart as i fall into his arms. The rain starts pouring over our heads as the umbrella falls to the ground, his arms tight around my body. Everytime i try to get another word out i break out in tears. 6 years i been waiting and planning for just this momen. But now when im really here with him around me i have nothing to say. He is different since last time, his hair longer and up in a knot, a dark leather jacket and a pair of matching dark jeans. Even though he grown up and changed after this eternity apar, i still can not change my feelings for him. 

~ I love him ~