[TW: slight NSFW.]

“I want you.”

It’s like something snapped in his mind. He lets go of my shirt to grab me by the back of my neck and pulls me closer. His lips are so soft - yet his kiss is rough, rushed, starved. He pries my mouth open with his tongue. He slides against mine. As I feel my knees getting weak, I grab onto his shirt.  He pushes me against the wall, our lips and tongue still tangled. He places his knee in between my legs to support me. He parts his lips from mine and kisses my jaw, then my neck, while one hand is wandering under my shirt. I can feel his finger brushing my lower back and I arch to the touch. His hand gently goes up my spine. Chills go through my body. I let out a quiet whine, to which he responds by kissing me again. 

His kisses are so intense, relentless - I can barely keep up. I can feel how much he’s been waiting for this. And I don’t stop him because I, too, have missed this.

But this is dangerous - I’m starting to get aroused. I know he can feel it on his leg. 

His lips leave mine, trailing down to my shoulder. He sucks a mark there. His hand are now gripping my hips. 

I want to get lost in him. I want to feel him, be with him like we used to.

“Liam, I..”

His lips meet mine once more. I feel his hands leaving my waist to unbutton my pants.

I didn’t raise a faggot. Hell, I didn’t even want to raise you at all.

In an instant, the butterflies that were dancing in my stomach just got replaced by a weight.

He was never interested in men, and now he’s about to give a hand job - or a blowjob?? - to one. I was the one who started this. He could be happy with a woman, but instead, he's stuck having feelings for me.

We can never be happy together. All I can see for us is misery and hiding. I can’t do that to him. I can’t keep playing with his heart when he could be happy with someone else. Liam is not bisexual, he could be with any girl he wants. One that would make his family proud, with who he could build a family. 

Wait, you actually think I like you?

Ooof, brain, this one memory was uncalled for.

I need to end this.

Before he gets the chance to do anything, I grab his face with one hand and part our lips. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”

He frowns. “What’s wrong?” I let go of his face and look away.  God, I feel so dumb. He hooks a finger under my chin and forces me to look at him. “[Adriel], talk to me.”

He used my real name. I feel my stomach twisting. “I’m sorry. I want to stop.”

He clenches his jaw, surveying me. After what looked like a huge effort, he finally stepped away.

Someone knocks on the door - it’s Malakai telling us that the carbonara is ready.

“What are you going to do about… this,” he says, looking at my arousal.

“I’m going to take care of it in the shower. Tell them I’ll join you after I showered.”

“You know, I could take care of that.”

I shake my head, “just go back to the kitchen, Liam.”

“Let’s talk about this after dinner, alright?” I nod as he brushes strands of hair away from my face before leaving the room.

I rush to the bathroom. I look like a mess. I was just searching for pajamas and now I have an unwanted erection I’ll have to take care of alone in the shower. Great.

When I’m done, the carbonara is getting cold. They waited for me.

“Well that was one long-ass shower,” says Malakai as I enter the living room.

“Yeah, I had to wash off the shame of you actually fainting in a rollercoaster”

“No, you’re just a dirty b*tch”. This comeback makes both Liam and Noah snort. They couldn’t control it.

Malakai starts serving everyone. When it comes to Liam, he asks for a smaller portion.

“It’s enough for you?” Noah asks.

“Yeah, it’s okay. I just had a snack.”

Needless to say, this comment made me choke on my pasta. Since Malakai and Liam have been living here, I feel like every day they try to kill me while I’m eating.

The four of us decide to chill and watch tv for a while before going to sleep. As everyone enters their bedrooms, I decide to smoke one last cigarette on the balcony.

I don’t want to confront him. I don’t want to talk about why I stopped him. Now I know that his feelings haven’t changed, which is something I was secretly hoping for. I just want to go back into his arms. But I can’t. This isn’t fair to him.

So I came to the conclusion that I can’t sleep in my room tonight.

I finish my cigarette, brush my teeth and get under the sheet that is on my couch.

Damn, this couch is uncomfortable. 

Talking about uncomfortable, what the f*ck just happened? How did I get a boner so fast? I don’t know whether it’s because I haven’t had sex in 2 months - or because it was Liam. But damn that was embarrassing.

And this idiot was about to get on his knees to take care of it? He must’ve lost his mind. I really need to end this.

****

The sound of the coffee machine wakes me up. I sit up to see Malakai and Noah eating breakfast in the kitchen.

“Good morning,” says Noah, with a big smile. I don’t know how he can be so cheerful in the morning. “Why did you sleep on the couch?”

I sight, I need a lie, fast. “Liam was snoring, I had to change location if I ever hoped to get some sleep.”

Noah shrugs, “that’s weird, I didn’t hear anything.”

“Lucky you.”

Hopefully, Malakai is not a morning person. He won’t talk until he finishes his coffee.

I skip breakfast and go get ready. I tiptoe around my room to get some clothes. Liam seems sound asleep. As I enter the room, I spot a bag in the corner.

Liam’s bag. When he arrived he unloaded his clothes into my drawer. Now the drawer feels empty, while his bag is full, ready to go. He must’ve packed yesterday when I didn’t show up to talk like we were supposed to.

I wonder if he’s mad. 

I don’t have the time to dwell on it, because of me Malakai and Noah are already late. I quickly get ready and leave for school.

****

Seems like everyone decided to eat in the cafeteria at the same time. The hubbub makes my ears buzz. I try to concentrate on the matter at hand: the steak and french fries staring back at me. The weight that appeared in my stomach last night was made worse by the sight of Liam’s bag, making me unable to eat.

I suddenly feel something warm on my forehead.

“You look pale Adriel, but you don’t seem to have a fever. Do you want to go to the infirmary?” Noah is sitting next to me, one palm on my forehead and the other on his.

“I’m fine, just a bit tired.”

“Hopefully we have the next week off,” adds Malakai.

I had forgotten about it. It’s the best news Malakai could tell me today.

“Right! I would love to go camping, the four of us!”

“The four of us, uh,” I continue, “looks like you really like Liam, Noah.”

“Of course, he’s really sweet. I wish he could come to school with us. He must be so bored at home alone.”

I sigh. I don’t know what he does with his days here.  “I’m glad you get along, you nerds even watched Harry Potter together. For Liam, this is a pact for a long friendship.”

“Right! We’ll have to finish it.”

Malakai and I have the same confused look, both frowning. “What do you mean? You didn’t finish the movie?,” Malakai asks, to which Noah shakes his head. “You were there for quite a while though?”

Noah is aligning his fries next to each other with his fork. “Really? I don’t remember finishing it,” he shrugs. “I guess I fell asleep. I hope Liam wasn’t mad.” His eyes leave his organized fries to look at me, worried.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure he wasn’t mad at all.”

This doesn’t make sense. According to how late Liam came back to sleep, they must’ve finished the movie. Moreover, if Noah had fallen asleep, Liam would’ve stopped the movie so they could both end the day.

And again, Liam looked very upset that night. Noah isn’t the type to lie but I still wonder if he’s telling us the whole truth.

****

I come back home alone, as Malakai needs to bring Noah back, then go to his part-time job. When I enter the apartment, it is surprisingly quiet. I call Liam’s name, but there’s no answer. It’s 6pm, Liam is usually home at that time.

The bag.

My heart starts racing. I rush to my room to check if it’s still there. The full bag of clothes is still on the floor, where I saw it this morning. I let myself fall onto the bed in relief. Staring at my ceiling, I wonder, why would I ever think that he’d leave without telling me? Or does the thought of him just leaving make me go crazy? I need to get my sh*t back together. Maybe a cold shower will shock me back to my senses.

I take my time to wash my face and apply every product from the ten-steps Korean skincare routine that I bought off Amawon. Maybe they’re good enough to wash the bullsh*t away. I’m about to take my boxers off when someone barges in.

“Why did you sleep on the couch?”

It’s Liam.

“First of all, hello, how was your day?” It doesn’t look like he wants to joke around. I swallow then continue, “where were you?”

“I was at the store to buy some orange juice. Now, why did you sleep on the couch?”

“What about we do this when I’m not half-naked?” I gesture to my boxers which are supposed to be off.

“Adriel, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before. Now answer me.”

I sight. “I didn’t want to talk.”

“Alright, then let’s talk now. What happened yesterday? Is something troubling you? Or did I misread something?” I look away, I really don’t want to explain. “Don’t ignore me, again. Just tell me what’s wrong. Why did you stop me yesterday? If I made you uncomfortable I-”

“That’s not it,” I cut him. I would hate for him to think that he makes me uncomfortable. “I stopped us to - to protect you.”

His forehead wrinkles. He didn’t like my answer. “To protect me? From what?”

“From me. From us.”

Saying this out loud makes me feel dumb.

“I don’t get it. What makes you think I need protection? Last time I checked I was able to make my own decisions. I know what I want - and you know it too. My feelings haven’t changed, Adriel.”

“But I’m a man.” The words left my mouth without warning. Even I know this is the worst excuse I could give.

He clenches his jaw. “What the f*ck is that. I know you’re a man [Adriel].”

He just used my real name again. This shows how upset he is.

“Liam, you’re straight.” His jaw drops, I want to make myself shut up but the words won’t stop flooding out of my mouth. “You could be with a beautiful woman right now, one you could build a family with. Us - it shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did. You’re wasting your time with me and whatever this is.”

His eyes widen. “Whatever this is? This is how you call it?”

This is going too far. “Liam, let’s stop there, I’m tired.”

He looks away, I can see him swallowing hard, before letting out a single laugh. “Yeah I bet you didn’t sleep well, I hate to break it to you but your couch sucks. But it’s okay, I’ll be the one sleeping on it tonight,” his gaze scans me from top to bottom, “so I don’t have to deal with whatever this is”.

He leaves the bathroom abruptly, slamming the door behind him.

I f*cked up.

Liam is the most intelligent person I know, of course, he can make his own decisions. Hell, I would even trust him with mine. I don’t know why I felt the need to protect him and diminish his feelings like that.

I want him to be happy, even before my own happiness, and I’m not sure I can provide that.

But again, why am I ruining everything? Why do I feel the need to push every good thing away from me?

Wait, you actually think I like you?

Well, this makes sense. I guess a part of me is afraid that something like that will happen again. I’m afraid of getting used again.

He’s leaving tomorrow and this is how we end things. In a way, it’s not that bad. If he’s mad, he won't feel the need to come back to me. He can just move on.

But the thought of him moving on makes me nauseous. Am I a horrible person? I feel so conflicted.

I need a drink. 

Fuck the cold shower, I put my clothes back on and leave for the bar, the Hideout. As I close the front door, Liam is on the balcony smoking.

My nose is running, I should have grabbed a bigger coat before heading out. But it’s okay, just thinking about some whisky makes me warm. Even better if Malakai is pouring it for me.

I'm practically rushing to the Hideout. I can see the big orange lights of the entrance from where I am. Before Liam came, I would be there almost every Friday night. I’ll be able to go back to this routine next week. Also, I can’t wait to see how Malakai fits there. He’s a huge introvert - I never thought I would see him in a bar. 

I’m just a few meters away from the entrance when I see two men smoking outside. One is small, with a big crooked nose and barely any hair on his scalp. This other one is tall, thin, and has his blond hair in a ponytail.

I slam my back against the wall to hide.

F*ck, they’re here.