7//Mingan- April 30, 1843, Missouri

The prat shoved the leech in my face and he’s not that good-looking anyways I told myself, scurried to my family’s wagon, down the hill, but when he looked at me- shut up, he’s the most annoying fucking person I have ever met in my entire life and anyway. It was all just an accident too. Also, he nearly tried to kill me; if he actually liked me in any way, he would have treated me like Lydia treats Rose and not have tried to suck my blood with a leech. He knew I was scared and he did it anyway. 

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Mrs Driscoll asked when I angrily approached the slow wagons. I didn’t answer though, but I stepped up inside and saw Eliza Jane playing with Huritt.

“What’s wrong, nistês?” Huritt questioned, noticing the distressed look plaguing my face. I told him that it was nothing and hopped down from the slowly paced wagon. In the far distance, I noticed Julian, Lydia and Rose running to us, chasing each other and I felt a pain in my chest. Maybe it was because I was having a heart attack or maybe I was upset that Julian couldn’t care less. He doesn’t care about you, that’s why he doesn’t care and you’re being over-dramatic, I tried to convince myself, feeling stupid and annoyed at myself. 

“Why’d you run off, Ming?” Lydia hopped up to me, Rose’s hand and hers were intertwined. I looked at Julian, who was whistling and looking straight ahead. I really wanted to cry for some reason. 

“Don’t call me ‘Ming’,” I warned sternly, to which Lydia’s eyes widened. 

“Sorry,” she shrugged. “So why’d you run off?” she pressed on. Was she really that oblivious, to not understand I wasn’t in the mood to talk or even be around anyone but… Julian? 

“None of your business, I don’t ask you about your life,” I spat quite rudely. Lydia looked me up and down judgmentally and ran off with Rose. 

“Sorry I touched your hair, is it against your religion or something?” inquired Julian. I found every word of his to be annoying,

 “I’m Christian, mother told me the whites would shoot me if I wasn’t.”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know, can we forget this ever happened? I don’t want to make enemies on the first day here,” whispered Julian helplessly, I looked at the ground and hated that my heart flipped in my chest. 

Without a word to spare, I turned and went to Mother, who was chatting to the blond man and buried my face in her shoulder. “What’s up, angel?” she whispered, patting my hair down. I didn’t answer, being far too invested in my shoes. 

I never thought about kissing someone before but Julian looked ever so close to me and I, for a second, genuinely thought we were going to kiss. I knew that any affection towards him should have been purely platonic and friendly, although I wanted to rip my hair out every time he spoke to me. I wanted to cover my ears and crouch on the ground to block out every sound I could have heard. I liked silence. I wished that I could hear only silence one day, experience purity that I never have. Burying my face deeper into Mother, I thought of Julian and a knot formed in my stomach, I hurt him. I hurt him and didn't ever wish to. I wasted my time. 

Many hours passed and we were eating supper. Rose's dog, Jacky came up to me and rubbed it's nose on my chest, as if it felt the clutch of my heart; Mrs Clancy was breast feeding her baby, the blond man from earlier was sitting with his wife in his lap, his arms wrapped around her waist, Julian was playing with his dog and everyone was having a gay time. Except for me. 

I ate quickly, a habit I was told by Mother was unhealthy but I didn't care. "Mingan, sweetie, you're going to be sleeping in your family’s wagon with Huritt and my boys, is that alright?" Mrs Driscoll ran her fingers through my hair.  

“Um… yeah… that’s okay,” I said to her quietly. She nodded and walked away to the other adults. I got up and walked briskly over to the wagon I would sleep in with the annoying yet attractive boy. When I stepped up, he and Huritt were already there, Huritt scratching Julian’s dog behind the ears.

Julian was shirtless, I supposed the defined muscle he had was from helping his family, being the oldest boy just as I did, since Father had a bad back. 

 I coughed when neither of them looked up, and Julian looked at me with annoyance written across his face. He glared and then went back to reading his book. I let out a small sigh and Huritt raised his eyebrow at me. 

“Min-” he started, but I cut him off with a shake of my head. Julian looked up again as Scout got up from next to my brother and came over to me. The dog went back to laying down and I sat next to him, scratching behind his ears. I liked dogs and Scout looked like he was enjoying himself very much. 

“I’m tired,” I noted, Julian looked up at me, putting down his book and folding his arms across his bare chest.

“Then sleep,” sighed the boy, I suddenly felt anger build up inside me.

 “I can’t sleep with the lanterns on,” I clicked my tongue over my teeth.

“Nothing I can do about that.” Julian didn’t even look up from his book. I scooched over and lifted his chin to look me in the eyes, holding his face in my hand and he stopped breathing for a few seconds.

“I said I can’t sleep with the lanterns on, so when Henry gets here, you’re turning them off, understood?” I raised my eyebrows and Julian turned a lovely shade of crimson, nodding slowly.

“Good.” 

Then little Henry ran up to the wagon and Huritt helped him climb inside while Julian looked as if he was going to faint. The little boys were chatting quietly until I told them to go to sleep since we were going to have a long day to-morrow. Julian brought his knees up to his face, wrapping his arms around them. I took off my tunic and placed it between my blankets. 

“Goodnight, Julian,” I whispered. 

I slept for an hour before I heard someone leaving the wagon, I opened my eyes and realised I needed to pee. Groggily, I peeled myself off the blankets and hopped out of the wagon to find a tree somewhere. 

Yawning, I noticed Julian pacing around our wagon. “Julian?” I asked, looking around to see him. He dropped to the ground as soon as he saw me, as if I were some sort of ghost. 

“Yes?” his voice was high-pitched and scared.

“I’ll be right back,” I informed him, he nodded aggressively.