9//Julian- May 4, 1843, Kansas

I gasped as I bolted up. It was happening again. Papa had told me this would happen when I was a teenager but I wanted it to stop. I wanted my brain to not be in reproduction mode. I wanted the hardness of my…. down there… to go away. When it hit me that I had an erect… you know, I immediately felt tears come to my eyes. 

I stood up, careful not to wake any of the others and I jumped down from the wagon. I started pacing back and forth, trying to come up with something to do to make it go away.  Not to mention the flashbacks. I had images of him doing all of those terrible things to her running through my head and when it had happened I swore I would never want to ever have sex when I was older. I couldn’t be like… him. He hurt me and Lyds so bad. I couldn’t be like that. I would never have sex. My brain had other ideas though. I walked back and forth quicker and I heard my name from behind me. 

“Julian?” I heard the voice of Mingan asking for me, in a panic, I whirled around and dropped to the ground, pulling my knees to my chest. He could see me like this. No, no, no. I was too weak and helpless against my own thoughts. It was so dumb. I slowly look up and see Mingan standing above me on the wagon. 

“Yes?” I ask him, my voice coming out an octave higher than it usually was. 

“I’ll be right back,” he said to me, jogging away towards the creek. He was gone now. I let out a sigh and turned my head as I watched him disappear behind a tree. I wondered what he was doing. Maybe going to the bathroom, most likely. Or maybe he had the same problem as me, but he actually knew what to do in the situation. Maybe he could help me? He was beautiful, and I know Papa said to never let anyone see it unless you are married, but Mingan was so beautiful. I wouldn’t mind it. 

He came out from behind the trees and I noticed for the first time that he was shirtless. He had a built chest and abdomen, muscles slightly bulging out of his arms too. I  found myself wanting to touch my… problem… because he… well, he made it more uncomfortable. 

“Hey, why are you crying?” He asked me as he sat down next to me. I hadn’t noticed the tears until he’d said that. I quickly wiped my cheeks and put my head on my knees.  

“I’m not crying,” I lied. 

“Fine, then, what’s wrong? why are you upset?” He pushed. My face turned red and he poked my arm. I jumped at the contact, my face reddening even more. No, he couldn’t touch me, it was getting worse, more uncomfortable, more unbearable. 

“Don’t touch me,” I snapped, glaring at him. He raised his eyebrows at me and crossed his arms.  I wanted so badly to cry, to burst into tears. But, I couldn’t because the good looking guy next to me couldn’t see that. He also couldn’t know that I didn’t know how to take care of my erection. That would make me seem dumb and pathetic. He sighed next to me, moving closer. He reached over and took my hands away from my face, holding my chin in a similar fashion as earlier when he yelled at me to turn off the lantern. 

Again, his contact made it worse. It was almost unbearable and I needed to touch it. I tried to take my head out of his grip but he kept a firm hold on me. 

“Tell me what is wrong Julian,” he said in a soft but threatening tone.

“Nothing and everything,” I mumbled, my cheeks glowing bright red. My eyes travelled down to Mingan’s chest and I thought about how it would feel if he kissed me. I've kissed before but it wasn’t as enjoyable as I made it out to be from the books that I’ve read. But I felt as if, if Mingan kissed me it would be different. Maybe he would let me touch his hair again if I could run my hands down his perfect chest.

“You’re pretty,” Mingan blurted, letting go of my chin gently but I stayed in place, his thumb brushed gently across my cheek, shivers travelled from my spine to my erection, making me even more restless. 

“Lads, shouldn't you be sleeping? We have a long trip to-morrow,” a young man with jet black hair and a British accent from wagon seven, we ripped apart and I pulled my legs up to chin lightning fast. “Sorry I made you jump, I’m Jon,” chuckled the nice man. “What are yer names?” 

“I’m Mingan, this is Julian,” Mongan told him. I liked the way my name sounded coming from his mouth

“Aight, off you go to sleep,” 

We got up, I tried to go behind Mingan so that Jon wouldn’t notice my erection. We climbed in one after another and Mingan sat up in his blankets, crossing his legs and folding his arms across his chest that I tried to avoid looking at. 

“Look, if we forget about our disagreements and become friends, promise you’ll be happier?”

I nodded aggressively as Mingan reached out a hand for me to shake as an agreement. I took his hand and shook it. I secretly wished that he’d hold my face once more. 

We turned to the opposite sides of the wagon and fell asleep. I smiled. 

In the morning, Henry jumped on my stomach to wake me up; yelping in pain, I pushed him off, tickling the boy to death. 

"Morning," smirked Mingan, my heart flipped from his lovely smile and I grinned back at him.

"Morning." We started chatting and decided to go up to his mother, who treated us to some lovely porridge with dried fruits. We talked for ages, eventually being joined by Lyds, Scotty and Billy. 

"Where's Rose?" I asked Lyds, placing my chin on her shoulder. 

"She's sleeping," Lydia explained before slamming her palm in my face, I retracted, my face feeling numb and flat. 

"You're so mean to me," I huffed at the giggling girl, then grabbing her waist and lifting her in the air and spinning around really fast as she shrieked with laughter. 

“Jules, put me down!” she screeched.  I laughed and threw her roughly to the ground. She got up with a smile and tackled me, falling to the ground on top of me. She smiled and brought her face close to mine, then, of course, she licked my nose. I yelled in alarm and she jumped up and started twirling away. 

Moments later, Mr Clancy told us we were going to get moving for the day. I let Scout lick my plate clean and then handed it to Ma, who was putting our dishes back into our wagon.  We were told to go play in the creek again, so Mingan and I ran there, Scout at our side.