10//Lydia- May 4, 1843, Kansas 

The day was long to say the least. It was now time to sleep, so I was sitting in my blanket, braiding my hair to have a reason not to lie down. The day had been tiring, especially for Rose, who hurt her ankle. We’d been out by the creek and we could no longer see the wagons so we ran. Rose had tripped on a snake hole and we all took turns helping her, Billy having run to the wagons to tell them to stop.  She was asleep now, the moonlight illuminating her freckled face. Billy was at the other end of the wagon on Rose’s other side. He was laying on his back, looking up at the canvas cover over the wagon. Eliza Jane was on my other side and she, too, was sleeping. 

“Why can’t you sleep?” I asked Billy, looking over at him. He ignored me and turned onto his side, facing away from me. “Okay then,” I mumbled to myself. 

Sleeping was hard for me. When I did sleep, the nightmares came. At home, Jules and I shared a bed, and he would comfort me, but without him next to me, they came back. It happened last night, even though Rose held me, she wasn’t Jules. I sighed and got up, stepping carefully over my little sister. I hopped down from the wagon and walked to the one Jules was sleeping in. I stepped up and he and Mingan were in each other's arms, Jules with his head on the darker boy’s chest. 

I felt a pang in my heart at the sight. I tried to make it go away but I realized it was jealousy. I couldn’t stand the thought of Jules being closer to anyone but me. It may have been selfish but neither of us had ever had any other friends. It was always just me and him, all our lives, we’d been there for each other for everything and now he was in someone else’s arms. 

I leaned over and poked him, causing him to let out a small grunt. He opened his eyes and turned to look at me. 

“Jules,” I whispered. I could feel tears flooding into my eyes, but I refused to let them out. He slipped carefully out of Mingan’s arms and stood.  

“What is it Lyds?” He asked, taking my hand. “Is it the… the nightmares?”  I nodded because if I spoke, the tears would fall. He pulled me into a hug then pulled me over and picked up his blanket from next to Mingan. He moved it over a little and pulled me down to it. He held me in his arms, leaning up against a chest in the wagon. Beside Mingan, Henry stirred, but then settled. He pulled me against his shirtless chest and I felt a tear of his own drop onto my shoulder. 

“Lyds, you gotta go back to your wagon, it’s happening again,” he whispered, pushing me up to standing then looking up at me with panic in his tear filled eyes. 

“What’s happening?” I asked. What was happening that I couldn’t stay?

“It- the thing Papa said would happen. The thing that makes you want to have… have…” he stopped, letting out a loud sob. 

“I don’t want to be like him,” he cried. I sat down next to him again, this time me being the one to pull him into my arms. He tried to push me away but I held onto his shoulders with a firm grip. He looked down to his lap, letting out another whimper as he did. I looked down too, seeing he had a bulge in his trousers. I quickly looked back up, not wanting to ever think of my brother's privates again. 

“Jules, it’s ok, I know you’re not like him. You’re not going to hurt me and if you did, I could easily take you down in a fight. Jules, you’re not like him. You don’t have alcohol and you aren't messed up like him,” I told him, kissing his forehead. He fell into my chest, sobbing uncontrollably, and next to us, Mingan stirred. He opened his eyes and did a double take when the first thing that came into his face was Jules and I. He quickly sat up, worry prominent on his face. 

“Julian… what’s wrong?” he asked. Jules whipped his head towards Mingan with fear across his expression. He stared for a moment, biting his quivering lip before standing up and getting out of the wagon. I stood up and Mingan went to follow him but I put my hand against his chest, stopping him.  

“I’ve got this. You can’t help him, you don’t know how. I’m pretty sure it’s your fault too,” I said in a low, harsh tone. He nodded, his eyebrows furrowed. 

“What… What did I do?” he asked me. I scoffed and turned to hop out of the wagon. Jules was sitting against the wheel of the wagon with his knees at his chest and his head resting on top of them. I sat next to him until his crying died down and behind us, Mingan climbed out of the wagon. He looked at Jules with his eyebrows furrowed. I brought my hand up and pointed away towards the creek.