Chapter 12 

-Wesley-

Fixing Kat with a hard stare, I have to make sure that she doesn’t get cocky. Just because Kirrill found it somewhere in his massive heart to let her back into his life, doesn’t mean I have to do the same, or even that I will do the same.

“Do you know what upsets me the most?” I ask slowly, sitting on my bed and kicking my legs out one at a time. When Kat doesn’t respond, I nod, staring at the floor.

“It’s that he’ll eventually forgive you. It’s that, whether you know it or not, you always take advantage of that.”

Kat shakes her head quickly, squeezing her hands together. “He won’t forgive me for this; whatever happened, it was different. This is different. He shouldn’t forgive me for this,” she says more softly, regret evident in her voice. 

She knows she fucked up, so that’s a start at least.

“You don’t get it; you’re the most important person to him,” I continue. I mean, not like Kat has much competition for that role in Kirrill’s heart; he doesn’t exactly know that many people and he doesn’t seem close with anyone particularly.

Smiling sadly, Ekaterina nods gently. “I know. And that’s why he won’t forgive me this time. He won’t let himself - he’s a stubborn bastard when he wants to be, and he’s really fucking determined this time. I won’t let him forgive me anyway; it’s a reminder for us both.”

Standing up off my bed, I shrug, shoving my hands in my pockets. “Fine. But I’m never letting you off the hook for this. I would say that I doubt we’ll see each other again, but Kirrill is my friend and at the end of the day, you’re still his family. So I’ll probably bump into you at some point,” I say dismissively, opening my bedroom door and slipping out before closing it behind me.

I want Kat in my life, I really do. But not now, not like this. She has to earn back my trust. She has to show that she’s changed. 

—————

“Did things work out between Ekaterina and Kirrill?” Maddie asks, sitting down on her bed and resting backwards. Shrugging, I flop down next to her, letting out a small groan. “I guess. I still don’t think he should have let her back into his life, but I guess…she’s all he has.”

Maddie is silent for a long moment before asking a question I’d hoped no one would ever ask me.

“Do you have feelings for him?”

Letting my groan get bigger, I roll onto my front, hiding my face in my sister’s pillow. She just laughs, patting my back. Eventually sitting up, I fiddle with one of my braids, avoiding Maddie’s searching eyes.

“You know I’m just going to wait for you to answer, right? And if you say nothing then I’ll just accept that I’m right.”

Glaring at her briefly, I let the expression slip from my face. “I guess I…have a tiny crush, yeah. But it’s not like I’m going to do anything about it; he’s in love with Kat.”

Maddie’s expression falls and she pulls me into a hug. “Aw no Wes that’s so tough, I’m sorry. There’ll be others like him again, and it’ll be great, yeah?” She reassures me, and maybe she’s right. After all, maybe this is for the better. 

Being around Kirrill…I’m worried that he would accidentally trigger me, with how much violence there must be in his life. I don’t need that kind of stress in my life; so this is fine. It’s just a blooming crush, one which will pass and I’ll eventually look back at now and laugh about how disappointed I felt in the moment.

So it’s ok. I’ll probably be over him in a week anyway.

—————

Well, it’s taking longer to get over my crush than I thought. Kirrill got his own apartment and invited me over to hang out. And then he did that again, and again, and again, and I invited him over for dinner, and my family loves him and he clearly doesn’t know what to do with all the affection they shower him with, but I think he likes it.

And every time I see him smile, every time I hear his laugh or watch him chat with my sisters, my heart squeezes, knowing that we’re friends and that’s all we’ll ever be.

Ugh, feelings kinda suck. Wish I could just turn them on and off like I normally can; for some reason with Kirrill, that isn’t working quite as well.

Parking my car after another hang out at Kirrill’s, I sit in silence and think about things for a moment. My crush isn’t going away, and I’m just inevitably liking him more and more.

Fuck.

Dragging myself out of the car, I trudge back into my house, instantly being met by my worried mother as she asks me what’s wrong. Telling her I just want to get an early night, I lie down in bed, rolling onto my side and facing the wall.

Hesitating for a moment, I tap on the wall before I can chicken out. Moments later, Maddie is knocking on my door, sticking her head into my room and smiling softly. “Hey,” she says gently, stepping in and closing the door behind her.

Sitting up, I smile sadly, chewing on my lips as I contemplate what to say. Coming up short on ideas, I just sit silently and rest my head on Maddie’s shoulder.

“Did something happen today?” She asks after a moment, knowing that I went to see Kirrill.

Something happened.

We were just chatting, laughing together. Hanging out. Spending time with each other. Normal friend stuff. And then…

I asked a stupid question.

“Ok, so what’s your type then?” I question, poking Kirrill in the ribs after he’d teased me for so long about how I found tattoos attractive. I don’t even know how we got onto this topic, we somehow just…ended up here.

“I don’t know, I don’t think I really have a type. I don’t really tend to think about people in a romantic or sexual way anyway,” he admits, leaning back and lounging out on his sofa. Sucking in a breath, I chew on my lips for a nanosecond.

“What about Kat though? Didn’t you say you were in love with her?”

Kirrill bursts out laughing, slapping his thigh and shaking his head adamantly. “Jesus Christ no fucking way, ew, gross. She’s literally like my sister, plus she’s a lesbian, even if she’s technically bisexual.”

Oh.

“Huh? But I thought- huh? So you don’t- you don’t have feelings for anyone?” I ask hesitantly, realisation dawning on me. Kirrill just raises an eyebrow, shaking his head. “No? I don’t really care about that kind of stuff; I hardly ever even think about it.”

Oh.

“So what you’re saying,” Maddie says slowly, “is that he doesn’t like Ekaterina, but he may be aromantic instead?”

Nodding dejectedly, I sigh sadly. “It hadn’t even occurred to me. Like I knew the chances of him ever liking me back were slim, but this hadn’t…this hadn’t even occurred to me. And it just kind of…took me by surprise. I’m not sure what to think, I guess,” I admit, shaking my head. 

It’s just…a lot of feelings to deal with. And they’re my feelings, I’m the only one responsible for them - it’s not Kirrill’s fault for how I feel, and it’s not his duty to feel about me the same way I do for him.

This is totally on me.

But if he doesn’t even experience romantic attraction…I need to chill out. He’s my friend, and although we’ve never had a particular deep conversation other than right at the start, we’re still pretty close and we talk a lot.

Kirrill is a really good friend and I don’t want to lose him, no matter what.

So I need to just deal with this on my own, without burdening him with my feelings.