"I have," the college student trails off, fidgeting on his fingers which lie on the top of his stomach, "...So much suppressed emotions for you. Adoration, hatred, disappointment, pride, confusion... I don't know which shines the most, but considering the things I went through because of you, I'm guessing it's disappointment."

Sasin's body tenses, his fists balling under the sheets,

"I just wanted to be a part of your life, and that's how I understood your feelings about me, but I lost my self-confidence because you concluded that if you treated me like a pushover, I'll fear to come near you. I lost a dear friend's trust because you decided that talking shit about me behind my back will make me stop chasing after you. I lost my scholarship because you thought that If I change schools, it will make me leave you alone. I lost my hope of living a normal high school life because you assumed spreading the news that I am an ex-convict's child will shatter my feelings for you. But these were nothing to me back then, because in the end, you'll give me false hopes again. You'll be looking..."

"...You're looking for me?"

"Can you give me a hug?"

"...For me. You'll always look for me, like you can't get enough of me, no matter how much you want to dispose of me," Ruan sobbed. "I didn't know what to think, that it got to the point where I lost my once-in-a-lifetime chance of pursuing my dream abroad because you said you..."

"You're the only person I need, Ruan. "

" ...Need me, only to wake up the next day with the news that you're the one who's leaving. And what did you tell me when I tried to stop you? I don't..."

"You're never worth a space in my thoughts."

"...Deserve to be considered. Fuck," he pauses, wiping off the waterfall tears on his flushed cheeks. "I'm such a laughingstock. Now I have to lie to my mother that I'm abroad and making a living by composing the crappiest music out there."

Couldn't take any more of his words, Sasin attempts to leave the room.

"Do you even know what I'm talking about?" Ruans voice hardened, as if urging the other to stay and hear the truth. Sasin stops in front of the door, not daring to turn around. "Ha, probably not. I'm not worth a space in your thoughts, right? Never, right?" Ruan prodded in between sobs.

"Why," Sasin gulps as he finds the right words to say. He still refuses to meet his eyes. "Why are you telling me all that?"

There was a long silence before Ruan answers. "No. I should be the one asking you why..."

Sasin bites his lip, not wanting his gasps to be heard.

"Let's rest. I'll sleep at the couch outside."

The next day, they decided to go home earlier than planned.

[✔] Teal Island

The atmosphere in the lodge completely changed after their Teal Island trip. This was also noticed by the housekeeper that comes by every Saturday to clean and restock the fridge and pantry. The house has been silent for a week now. Ruan has been sleeping in the other room just beside the bedroom where a sofa bed was stored, luckily.

It's not like they're not talking, but it's most of the time just 'yeses' and 'nos.' If it's not about anything relevant, no conversation will spark between them. Also, to avoid crossing paths, they started cooking their own meals and washing their own clothes. Since Sasin is used to being indoors, Ruan makes sure to stay outdoors as much as possible.

Lightly pushing his feet against the wooden floor, Ruan silently moves back and forth in the porch swing, all the while staring blankly at the garden before him and listening to a lo-fi music through his wireless earphones. It's Monday morning, and their amusement park date was cancelled due to the bad weather.

"I want to ride the rollercoaster right now, though," he absentmindedly says before drinking his hot chocolate. He almost spilled his drink when the door suddenly burst open, revealing a peeking Sasin. "It's going to rain soon, so come inside," he reminded then closed it again.

Ruan waits the sky to get darker before he went back inside. He sees Sasin setting up the electronic keyboard by the living area, so he removed one of his earphones and placed it in his jacket's pocket. As he washes his mug, he observes the raven-haired play.

Of course, he plays it very well.

He was about to enter the room he stays at when the wrong keys were pressed. His sudden halt caught Sasin's attention.

"Did you just shudder because I played the wrong keys?"

Ruan gives him a look of dismay. "It's Cadd2, D sharp, F, then G," he explained as he walked towards him. "Do it again."

Sasin lifts his arms in surrender. "Alright," he murmured before placing his hands back on the keyboard. He does it from the beginning.

What is this waterfalls for?

It doesn't end today—it wouldn't end tomorrow

Sasin lifts to meet his gaze as he played. "You still remember this?" he whispered.

Why do I have to break like this, though?

"Of course," Ruan weakly replied.

I've been trying to show you

The world isn't too cruel, too.

"Of course, I do."

I went to the moon and back for you

Shared the weights of tearful yesterdays with you

But you dared to tell me...

He bitterly smiles. "After all..."

"Did I ask u to?"

"I wrote it for you."

There was a loud crash of thunder, then the rain started pouring.

Ruan breathes out heavily before turning about, planning to head to his room, noiseless.

"Last time you were drunk," Sasin suddenly started as he kept playing a gentle melody on the keyboard. Ruan faces him brazenly. "You asked me, why is it you, why just now?"

Sasin obviously gulps the lump on his throat.

"I've been thinking about it for a long while now, and strange enough, I couldn't come up with a more structured reason. All I see were flashbacks of you asking me to be friends when no one dared to, and that time when you were defending my name behind my back. And when you hugged me whenever I asked you to. When you wanted me to stay even after everything that I did to you..."

He pressed a wrong key again, but this time, Ruan didn't interrupt.

"You were right, I couldn't get enough of you because you were different from others," Sasin's fingers stiffened, "But I didn't know what to do about you, about my feelings. It felt too strong that I wanted to run away from you because I was determined to fulfill my father's wishes as soon as possible. I tried to be harsh to you, to push you away, but I couldn't bring myself to let you go completely. Deep inside, I wanted you to be with me." His legs are starting to feel numb.

Gradually, the pleasant music is becoming cacophonous. The relaxing sound of the pouring rain is fueling their anxiety.

"And why did I come to you just now..." Shifting his gaze towards Ruan's direction, Sasin's face softened. His fingers stopped moving over the keys. With wavering eyes and quivering lips, he mouthed, "I'm- I'm dyi..."

"You have half a year at most."

"Don't give me that. Cure me."

"Mr. Young, like I said, this disease is incurable." 

"But I'm just... Nineteen."

"-ng."

Ruan gaped as tears continued to glisten his face. "W-What? Come again?" he stuttered in his croaked voice.

Sasin's eyes follow his own hands drop on his lap. He released a heavy breath as he clasped his fingers together. "Living with you for a few months, I realized that you still make me happy. Though this is probably not the case for you, but to be honest, I think, you're like, the most suited partner for me-"

"Sasin Young, answer me-"

"When I'm with you, I forget everything. It makes me want to focus to what's in front of me. It makes me want to focus on the feeling I have when I'm with you, when you look at me, when you hold my hand... I'm contented-"

The ash-gray haired slaps the wooden cabinet beside him, breaking off Sasin's sentence. "If you're not planning to answer my question, don't talk to me," he stated without looking at the other then went to his room, hurling the door shut.

After locking it, Ruan leans against the door, covering his face in frustration and crying in silence.

Three knocks.

"I'm sorry, Ruan."

The day ended without Ruan leaving his room, not even for meals. When he woke up from a slumber, it was already dawn. Feeling his stomach grumble, he left his room to grab a snack. As he checks the cupboard, he spots a bag and a suitcase by the front door.

Moreover, it's his bag and suitcase.

Puzzled, the college student walked towards the bags and checked its contents. His jaw clenched. It's his belongings. When he got up, dead set on confronting the raven-haired, the latter is already by the telephone, dialling a number as he squeezed the front of his shirt, face scrunching in pain.

Their eyes met. "R-Ruan..."