Warning: Discussions and memories of abuse.
::
"I'm not going to force you to say anything," Mrs. Kenari gently prompted. "Whenever you're ready, we're both willing to listen. We understand if it's difficult for you right now."
I felt a dull ache in my chest. The last time I cried for so long, it had been two days after my father had picked me up from grandpa Genbu's house. All I had done was ask him to visit the elder Takiwa. However, Genbu Takiwa, the younger, adamantly refused. If I believed what he had rambled about while he was under the influence of drugs, then my departure from grandpa's house hadn't been a mutual understanding. My father had downright kidnapped me.
I'd add it to the list of growing disturbing things he did, especially to me.
As mortifying as it had been for my father to have treated me as if I were my mother, Leo's warm hand on my back didn't bother me in the slightest. The fact that it didn't disgust me was what confused me the most. Under the current circumstances, I shouldn't have wanted anyone to touch me. I kept tensing and shirking away from Mrs. Kenari, after all. And yet, I made no move to remove Leo's hand from my back. It gave me strength.
"...I think it's drugs," I told them out loud with a shaky and undignified sniffle as I confessed to yet another secret I had kept hidden. The cat was really out of the bag now. The words that I needed to say had to be forced out through sheer will. If it hadn't been for Leo's centering presence, I wouldn't have been able to so much as get them out. "He...thought I was my mom. He treated me weirdly, and then he bit me."
Mrs. Kenari knelt down on the floor beside me as if she were trying to appear as non-threatening as possible. I reached behind me to take the hand that Leo rested against my back and held it between both of my own. The skin-to-skin contact made me feel a bit calmer.
"Momo..." Paulina prompted, using my nickname for the first time.
For some reason, that made me feel privileged. Weren't nicknames used more comfortably amongst family? Did she consider me to be family?
"I don't want you to stress too hard over this, but would you be willing to report your father? Not today, but tomorrow?" She asked. "Leo and I could come with you."
I thought I had cried enough. But, when Leo's mom offered to help me to that extent, more tears pooled and fell from my eyes. Leo handed me another tissue, and I blew my nose. Every breath I took was erratic, shaken by the toll of my tumultuous emotions. She was right. I was having a tough time just talking to them, so I couldn't possibly bring myself to report my father right away. The police wouldn't understand a single word that came out of my terror-filled lips.
Though I opened my mouth to say as much, the words refused to come out. I nodded a few times, instead. As much as I would have preferred to hide away, my father's actions had reached a point of no return. For years, I had been so scared to be alone...my father made me believe I couldn't survive alone.
I would much rather starve alone than spend another minute in his manipulative web.
::::
That night, the Kenaris rushed about filling up an air mattress for me and finding sheets and pillows. I had taken the fastest, hottest shower of my life, but I still ended up nearly scrubbing my chest raw. Even after drying myself, I couldn't shake the feelings of disgust off.
However, when I pulled on the soft set of pajamas Leo loaned me, I smelled a hint of lavender emanating from the fabric. The scent managed to get me out of my own head for a bit. I inspected the front and back of the PJs in front of the bathroom mirror and couldn't find a single hole or tear anywhere. It was nice to be in decent nightwear, for a change.
I didn't want to let that feeling go.
"You're not getting these back," I told the taller teen as I clambered onto the air mattress.
Leo let out a chortle as if I had caught him off guard. "I mean, if you like them that much, they're yours," he conceded. "I imagine we'll be borrowing each other's clothes all the time if you decide to stay with us."
I couldn't give him a definitive answer. "I haven't fully made up my mind," I admitted honestly. "Living here or with my Grandpa Genbu would make me an additional burden to either household."
"There's no shame in that," Leo countered. "We're teens, not adults. Not in the ways that count. Our focus should be on keeping up our grades, scholarships and preparing for college. After that, we'll finally be able to give back."
"That seems like a long wait until we're able to give back," I mused aloud.
"Oh? I kind of look forward to it," the amber-eyed teen acknowledged. "The idea of us waiting together."
The smallest of smiles tugged at the corner of my lips, but I refused to respond aloud. I had a lot of things to take care of. So, I couldn't afford to get my hopes up too fast. My favorite photo featuring my mom and grandfather had been left behind in the danger zone. None of my other possessions really mattered to me, not even my schoolbooks. But, I needed to get that photo back somehow.
My thoughts scattered when Mrs. Kenari stopped in one more time to wish us both good night. Leo gave her a quick hug. She then moved towards me as if to do the same but hesitated. With a rush of bravery I never knew I possessed, I hurried forward to give her a hug, as well. Her fingers trembled when she raked them through the top of my hair. More tears fell down my face at the sensation.
"No matter what you decide, this home will always welcome you," She whispered. When I clambered back over to the air mattress, I saw her wiping stray tears from her own eyes with the back of her fingers. "Sleep well, my sons."
As she closed the door behind her, I sniffled loudly. Leo tossed a box of tissues at the foot of my bed. And here I thought I had cried enough for one day.
::
Why did he keep hurting me?
I asked him for permission to go to Zoey's house after school. At first, it seemed like he was okay with it. He was struggling through a hangover, and I was busy getting him something to eat.
"...so, is it okay?" I asked hesitantly.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," he grumbled with a wave of his hand. "Just make me some lunch already, will ya?"
I was so happy that I gave him a quick hug. "This is her address for you to pick me up later," I said as I placed the page with the address next to him on the counter.
I was filled with immense joy the entire school day. But, when I hopped off the bus at Zoey's stop, my face fell. He was there in front of Zoey's house, waiting for me.
"Dad? I...I thought you said it was okay for me to stay for a bit," I questioned.
"Changed my mind. It's not safe for you to be hanging 'round other people's houses," Genbu drawled.
"But, Mr. Takiwa, I can assure you my parents are really kind and-" Zoey began only to be cut off.
"Last I checked, it's none of your goddamn business what I decide is unsafe for my son," the older man growled, and I caught him glaring at her. "Such a nosy little snot."
While Zoey was taken aback, I knew what the look in his eyes meant. My dad was going to be in a sour mood for the rest of the day. With a sigh, I turned to my friend.
"It's okay, Zoey," I appeased. "Maybe next time."
I got into the car for him to drive us home and thought that would be that. But, when we arrived back home, my dad made it clear that it was far from over. He grabbed me by the hair and shook me viciously.
"So willful, just like your mother!" He hissed as he shoved me into the ground. "Next time?" The first backhand across the face was a sharp and sudden sting. I had injured myself before, but the fear seemed to amplify the pain. Though I expected the second backhand, I didn't expect the force to knock me off my feet. "There won't be a next time if I have anything to say about it!"
The next day at school, the right side of my face was swollen, and I walked hunched from the pain. When Zoey greeted me and asked me what was wrong, I felt too ashamed to face her. So, I made a brave face instead.
"I-It's nothing. I'll be fine," I responded. I had to be. Without my dad, I'd be all alone. I had no one else.
::
I woke up the following morning, quite surprised that my dreams featured my own memories instead of Raemka's. My father's disturbing behavior hadn't changed. But I had. I had reached my breaking point; the point in my life where I just couldn't live in that constant state of fear anymore. The Kenaris had given me an escape ladder and I was damn well climbing it.
As I turned to look at Leo's sleeping form across from me, I realized that I wasn't alone. Hell, I never had to be. I had Zoey, Rick, Leo, his mother...if I had plucked up the courage years ago, I would have even had the support of my teacher Mr. Hanlon, or that woman at the rotisserie counter I went to whenever my father forced me to buy hot food.
The Kenaris had more love and joy in their two-person household than I ever had with my dad. A part of me was downright starving for that kind of environment. Hadn't I suffered enough? This was the start of me pulling myself together. Though it was far too late to change what already happened, a life without my father felt like a new beginning.
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