That's why I have to do it. And I have no other way. I'd rather do it myself than father...
Is it scary?
Uncertainty, in this case, is less frightening.
***
I realize that I haven't died when I feel pain. My hands ache, my head is spinning, and my throat is completely dry as if made of paper. The bustle around looks like a dust storm, and Brent's voice is somewhere nearby. I am shaking and swinging.
I'm remembering The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. No, I don't feel like Dorothy, more like her house. Dorothy eventually went somewhere. She had a goal. Even her dog had a goal.
And the house was left in ruins. So am I, lying here, and there is only dust and debris around. Brent drags me somewhere past this debris and gets me into the car. And when the road turns into a guiding thread, I close my eyes again. I'm not here. I shouldn't have been here. What have I done wrong?
***
I hear muffled voices in the distance... It sounds like Brent... and someone else. Father found us?!
Fear overcomes me... Why? Why didn't I die... No, no...
He'll do something to Brent...
I get out of the car, but I can't see anything. Everything is blurry. I barely make out several figures.
The rifle... a shiny black barrel...
It's our father...
Why didn't I let him finish his plan the first time?
I was terrified... just like now. But now, he's going to kill Brent. For what?..
no no no
I come close to the gun. The shot will rip me apart. I hope it ends quickly.
There is a scream all around. I hear a loud bang.
It doesn't hurt at all, but I scream in fear.
***
Am I not dead again?
Or was I lucky? A hand gently touches my forehead, and I again fall into a deep sleep. It's finally over...
***
I feel light, almost weightless. I feel warm. I'm safe. But somehow, I understand that this is not a dream.
I hear voices - Brent's and someone else's. I open my eyes.
But why? Why am I alive again?
Brent talks to me, but I can't answer. It feels like I'm numb. And not only my tongue but also my body.
Brent wants me to eat, but I don't want to. He puts his palm on my nape and makes me drink a few sips of tea. The warmth inside me finally convinces me that I am not dead. And this does not stir any emotion in me.
Brent promises to give me his most beautiful stone, just like he did when we were kids and makes me eat a few spoons of mushed potato.
***
I like the morning sky. I force myself to sit up in bed. Now I see how it shimmers. The clouds redden at first, then turn golden. There is a haze of dew over the field. A cool wind blows in through the window. I don't want to move. I like to be an invisible part of it all.
I think a part of me died and disappeared long ago, merged with the world. But for some stupid reason, my heart is still beating.
"Hi!"
I don't know this guy, but his voice seems familiar. He smiles at me as if we know each other. Maybe he smiles at someone else? I am not here.
"I'm Jack. How are you?"
Brent leaves with him, and he's gone all day.
I'm not sure which part of my day is a dream, which is a reality. And it seems indifferent to me. All is the same. I believe that I'm here not for long. Soon I will disappear for good. I can hear the wind like no other. And I want to become a part of it as soon as possible.
Or the smooth surface of the water. The crown of that flower.
But this Jack... When it seems to me that my blood turned discolored, and I became transparent and almost disappeared, he suddenly comes, looks at me, talks to me, brings me an apple or something else. My blood turns red again and pulsates like life itself. I'm ceasing to be an insignificant part of the world. I take on my form, my flesh. I become distinguishable from the rest of the world. The world in which I am afraid to live.
And every day, I wake up not to look at the sky. I hope he'll come again, say something to me. I don't want to live, but the feeling of life seems so good. And every time, I want to experience it a little more.
I don't get lost in dreaming anymore. I feel my skin as a border between me and the world, and my hands already obey me. Even my tongue isn't numb anymore.
I feel that life is pumping in my veins. And it makes no sense for me to pretend otherwise. I have never deceived myself. And now I won't.
I am not dead. So I have to get up. And live on.
***
Brent's lying exhausted on the bed. He doesn't even speak to me. I'm a little ashamed that he works alone...
Jack enters the house. I peek at him and wait for him to speak to me. I'm already used to the fact that he always says something to me. But he talks to Bent, "Well, how do you like your first week?" he's clearly teasing Brent but kindly. My brother barely raises his hand and shows a thumb up. Jack laughs.
"I'm going to the city. Do you wanna go with me?" Jack asks.
"Are you kidding me?!" Brent groans. "I'm not even sure if I have legs and how to use them."
I think I'd like to talk to Jack so easily. He is always very benevolent and friendly, yet, at the same time, he seems out of reach. Therefore, when he says my name, I even internally flinch.
"Well, what about you, Aiden?" Jack asks.
He wants me to go with him?
"What do you say? We'll buy you paints and canvas. You can draw your brother after hard work, and we'll hang it right here," he smiles, staring me straight in the eyes. I look at him and feel the impulse that adds the last drop, and I shake off the remnants of my nightmare.
"Okay," I awaken my voice. I've already forgotten its sound.
"Well, that's great! Get dressed. I'll wait in the car..."
I dress with excitement. The feeling is unusual.
In the doorway, I look back at my brother. There's a concern in his eyes, yet he nods. I get into the car next to Jack, and we drive away.
I always liked to ride, although I did not have time to get my license. I like the road. It's like when you are driving, your brain works a little differently. You get some kind of dreamy concentration. Usually, during trips, while I was looking out the window, I got ideas for my drawings and paintings.
"Music?" Jack asks. I shrug. Usually, the music does not bother me, but it rarely happens that music coincides with the mood of the road and my own. If this happens, then goosebumps run down my skin...
Jack turns on the radio and begins, "Brent said you're good at drawing..."
I turn and look at him. Sometimes Jack looks away from the road and looks at me. At times like this, I feel embarrassed, but I don't turn away.
"Well... kinda," I say.
"And what do you like to draw?"
"Well... I like doing sketches with pencils, and I like to work with watercolor."
Ozzy Osbourne's "Dreamer" is playing on the radio. Jack doesn't ask further and makes the sound a little louder. This is exactly what I meant. I smile and open the window. A cool breeze ruffles my hair. Everything is as it should be. And I realize that I've never felt like this with anyone else but Jack. The road runs away from bright headlights. Jack is silent, sometimes glancing at me. What a beautiful face he has...
Let the song never end. Let the road never end.
We drive up to a mall, and Jack takes a cart at the entrance.
"Are you OK? Not sleepy yet?" Jack asks. It feels like he really cares. "Jump into the cart if you want." He smiles. I can't help but return a smile, saying, "I'm fine, thank you."
"Then take the list," he hands me a piece of paper with a long list of items. "Make sure I stick to it. Otherwise, I'll buy sweets and chips instead."
Jack makes me feel at ease and tries to cheer me up. Do I look so miserable? And isn't it odd he cares about me so much? I understand Brent's concern, but I'm a stranger to Jack. Or maybe Jack and Brent are friends? Then what was that gun scene? Was it a dream?
We walk between the shelves, and I put groceries into the cart according to the list. Jack tries to add something there and makes me smile again. Then he turns to the art supplies department, where he takes an album, a couple of canvases, watercolors, brushes, and pencils.
"I promised," he replies to my questioning look.
I'm only 18. I'm gay, and I haven't dated anyone yet. But I think Jack is really caring. Or am I making something up?
When we finish shopping, we load everything into the car. I am about to take the passenger seat when suddenly Jack asks, "Do you wanna go home or wander around the city?"
I realize that I am hungry, "Is there a bar nearby?"
"What?! Brent said you were eighteen, so..."
Did he think I wanted to get drunk? That's funny.
"I mean I... I'd eat spicy buffalo wings..." I clarify.
"Oh... OK then," Jack agrees, and we go to a bar.
I don't really like bars, but I wanted a little noise. It's like I woke up after a coma, and now, I try to remember and relive all the experiences I've had before.
Jack does not take his eyes off me. I'm not making this up. There is definitely something going on here...
"Do you wanna watch a movie?" He asks as I finish my plate. I wonder where this is going.
To say that I am nervous would be a huge understatement. But now I'm greedy for my own feelings.
So we go to the cinema, where, in the dark, Jack tickles me with his breath, whispering something in my ear. To be honest, I can't make out his words. My cheeks are hot. It's good that it's dark...
Does he really like me? Is he that straightforward?
Am I... hallucinating? Well, maybe I take his kind attitude towards me for something else? Maybe Brent asked him to look after me, so he acts like a good older brother. He's even older than Brent, isn't he? So why would he need someone like me?
To have fun?
"I'm hungry," Jack says after the lights light up. "Are you tired? We can have a snack."
I just nod, hoping he won't notice my red cheeks. What if he really likes me?.. But I'm... as Brent says, impressionable. I always wind myself up like this. Therefore, when we are at the table, I can't stop myself. I speak and speak and speak. Jack, in my opinion, is even surprised.
"Have I decided to tell him my whole life?" I think somewhere in the middle of the story about my graduation.
"You're, probably, bored..." I say and stop.
"Hey!" Jack waves his hands, protesting. The french fries land right on my lap. "Sorry. Damn... I meant that I'm not bored at all."
I can't help but smile. I'd even laugh, but I don't want Jack to think I laugh at him.
I already imagine that we are on a date. Why not? It's a harmless fantasy. A virgin like me is supposed to dream of something like that, right?
I never had time to think about those things... I was too busy being afraid...
We go to the car when the clock shows 2.40. Now it's Jack's turn to tell things about him. And I listen with pleasure about his childhood and school. Now the age difference is more noticeable. But it still seems to me that we are getting closer.
"I think I can fix your car," he says when we are close to the farm. Our trip is coming to an end. Sadly...
"That would be great. Brent bought it with his own money when he was eighteen. He says that he will give it to me later. He's joking, of course. I never got my license," I say.
"Really?"
"Yeah... I just never got to the exams."
"But you can drive, right?"
"Well, yes. Brent taught me."
We turn onto the side road, leading to the farm, and Jack suddenly pulls over.
"Come on. Let's see what he taught you," Jack grins and invites me to swap places. I'm nervous because I barely remember any of Brent's lessons, but... I don't want to look like a coward in front of Jack, so I get behind the wheel.
And I drive a couple of dozen yards. Suddenly the car hits something with its front wheel, and we jump. I brake sharply.
"I hit someone?! Have I run someone over?" My voice is shaking.
Jack gets out of the car.
"You ran over the oldest bump of the field, you monster," he says and makes a funny face. "Back up a bit."
The car again gets on all four wheels. I get out and sit down next to the unfortunate bump.
"You drive us home, ok?" I say, my hands trembling. And I don't know why. Jack sits next to me, and we are silent for a while. I can feel something ripening in the air. I'm worried, so I'm trying to dilute the awkwardness.
"It's nice here. Beautiful and peaceful," I say, looking at the endless dark field and vast skies with billions of twinkling stars.
But Jack doesn't answer me. Suddenly I feel a warm touch - Jack covered my palm with his. I choke on my breath, looking wildly in front of me. But I don't see a damn thing. With every heartbeat, "Oh, my God," is echoing in my head. I don't move my hand away. I'm scared, but this is a completely different kind of fear. I don't want to run from it. It's just too much for me. But I still want it.
Jack turns to face me, but I can't look him in the eyes. So he reads it in his way and pulls his hand away. Semi-consciously I grasp his fingers, and Jack stops.
It takes all my guts to look at him.
Jack moves a bit closer and brushes my cheek slightly. This sensation seems familiar to me...
It wasn't my imagination... not in the car, not in the store, not in the bar, not in the cinema... Did he really think about it from the very beginning?
Jack's getting closer, and I'm not pulling away. I don't want to pull away. Though my heart beats so fast. Though my breath stopped completely...
The world turns upside down when Jack kisses me. No shyness, no doubt.
The kiss is soft, wet, and warm. And Jack is tugging my lower lip slightly.
I don't know how to kiss... I haven't tried it with anyone. I'm trying to follow Jack.
This is an absolutely incredible and indescribable feeling.
The further we go, the hotter it gets. Jack's tongue slips between my teeth. Jack is fervent and persistent, I can't keep up, and I start to topple on the grass. Jack follows me, not interrupting the kiss.
I forget to breathe.
Jack's hand slid under my shirt. And I feel how aroused he is.
No, no, this is too much! I can't!
I break the kiss and take a deep breath.
Jack stops. He hovers over me and stares into my face.
"I'm sorry," he says. "I... too much..." His breath is fast and uneven.
He gets up and walks back and forth a little. His emotions are just as intense as mine, and he doesn't hide them at all.
We get back into the car and drive to the house. Although, I would prefer to walk to calm down. My excitement has not subsided yet. I hope it is not so noticeable.
I try not to look at Jack as I pull a bag with a sketchbook and paints he bought for me out of the trunk. Brent runs out of the shack. He is very angry. And I quickly go into the house. I can hear Brent's yelling at Jack, but I can't face them now. I think if Brent takes one look at me, at my face, he will immediately understand everything.
I lie on the bed with my clothes on and pretend to be asleep. But is it possible to fall asleep after that?!
"Music?" Jack asks. I shrug. Usually, the music does not bother me, but it rarely happens that music coincides with the mood of the road and my own. If this happens, then goosebumps run down my skin...
Jack turns on the radio and begins, "Brent said you're good at drawing..."
I turn and look at him. Sometimes Jack looks away from the road and looks at me. At times like this, I feel embarrassed, but I don't turn away.
"Well... kinda," I say.
"And what do you like to draw?"
"Well... I like doing sketches with pencils, and I like to work with watercolor."
Ozzy Osbourne's "Dreamer" is playing on the radio. Jack doesn't ask further and makes the sound a little louder. This is exactly what I meant. I smile and open the window. A cool breeze ruffles my hair. Everything is as it should be. And I realize that I've never felt like this with anyone else but Jack. The road runs away from bright headlights. Jack is silent, sometimes glancing at me. What a beautiful face he has...
Let the song never end. Let the road never end.
We drive up to a mall, and Jack takes a cart at the entrance.
"Are you OK? Not sleepy yet?" Jack asks. It feels like he really cares. "Jump into the cart if you want." He smiles. I can't help but return a smile, saying, "I'm fine, thank you."
"Then take the list," he hands me a piece of paper with a long list of items. "Make sure I stick to it. Otherwise, I'll buy sweets and chips instead."
Jack makes me feel at ease and tries to cheer me up. Do I look so miserable? And isn't it odd he cares about me so much? I understand Brent's concern, but I'm a stranger to Jack. Or maybe Jack and Brent are friends? Then what was that gun scene? Was it a dream?
We walk between the shelves, and I put groceries into the cart according to the list. Jack tries to add something there and makes me smile again. Then he turns to the art supplies department, where he takes an album, a couple of canvases, watercolors, brushes, and pencils.
"I promised," he replies to my questioning look.
I'm only 18. I'm gay, and I haven't dated anyone yet. But I think Jack is really caring. Or am I making something up?
When we finish shopping, we load everything into the car. I am about to take the passenger seat when suddenly Jack asks, "Do you wanna go home or wander around the city?"
I realize that I am hungry, "Is there a bar nearby?"
"What?! Brent said you were eighteen, so..."
Did he think I wanted to get drunk? That's funny.
"I mean I... I'd eat spicy buffalo wings..." I clarify.
"Oh... OK then," Jack agrees, and we go to a bar.
I don't really like bars, but I wanted a little noise. It's like I woke up after a coma, and now, I try to remember and relive all the experiences I've had before.
Jack does not take his eyes off me. I'm not making this up. There is definitely something going on here...
"Do you wanna watch a movie?" He asks as I finish my plate. I wonder where this is going.
To say that I am nervous would be a huge understatement. But now I'm greedy for my own feelings.
So we go to the cinema, where, in the dark, Jack tickles me with his breath, whispering something in my ear. To be honest, I can't make out his words. My cheeks are hot. It's good that it's dark...
Does he really like me? Is he that straightforward?
Am I... hallucinating? Well, maybe I take his kind attitude towards me for something else? Maybe Brent asked him to look after me, so he acts like a good older brother. He's even older than Brent, isn't he? So why would he need someone like me?
To have fun?
"I'm hungry," Jack says after the lights light up. "Are you tired? We can have a snack."
I just nod, hoping he won't notice my red cheeks. What if he really likes me?.. But I'm... as Brent says, impressionable. I always wind myself up like this. Therefore, when we are at the table, I can't stop myself. I speak and speak and speak. Jack, in my opinion, is even surprised.
"Have I decided to tell him my whole life?" I think somewhere in the middle of the story about my graduation.
"You're, probably, bored..." I say and stop.
"Hey!" Jack waves his hands, protesting. The french fries land right on my lap. "Sorry. Damn... I meant that I'm not bored at all."
I can't help but smile. I'd even laugh, but I don't want Jack to think I laugh at him.
I already imagine that we are on a date. Why not? It's a harmless fantasy. A virgin like me is supposed to dream of something like that, right?
I never had time to think about those things... I was too busy being afraid...
We go to the car when the clock shows 2.40. Now it's Jack's turn to tell things about him. And I listen with pleasure about his childhood and school. Now the age difference is more noticeable. But it still seems to me that we are getting closer.
"I think I can fix your car," he says when we are close to the farm. Our trip is coming to an end. Sadly...
"That would be great. Brent bought it with his own money when he was eighteen. He says that he will give it to me later. He's joking, of course. I never got my license," I say.
"Really?"
"Yeah... I just never got to the exams."
"But you can drive, right?"
"Well, yes. Brent taught me."
We turn onto the side road, leading to the farm, and Jack suddenly pulls over.
"Come on. Let's see what he taught you," Jack grins and invites me to swap places. I'm nervous because I barely remember any of Brent's lessons, but... I don't want to look like a coward in front of Jack, so I get behind the wheel.
And I drive a couple of dozen yards. Suddenly the car hits something with its front wheel, and we jump. I brake sharply.
"I hit someone?! Have I run someone over?" My voice is shaking.
Jack gets out of the car.
"You ran over the oldest bump of the field, you monster," he says and makes a funny face. "Back up a bit."
The car again gets on all four wheels. I get out and sit down next to the unfortunate bump.
"You drive us home, ok?" I say, my hands trembling. And I don't know why. Jack sits next to me, and we are silent for a while. I can feel something ripening in the air. I'm worried, so I'm trying to dilute the awkwardness.
"It's nice here. Beautiful and peaceful," I say, looking at the endless dark field and vast skies with billions of twinkling stars.
But Jack doesn't answer me. Suddenly I feel a warm touch - Jack covered my palm with his. I choke on my breath, looking wildly in front of me. But I don't see a damn thing. With every heartbeat, "Oh, my God," is echoing in my head. I don't move my hand away. I'm scared, but this is a completely different kind of fear. I don't want to run from it. It's just too much for me. But I still want it.
Jack turns to face me, but I can't look him in the eyes. So he reads it in his way and pulls his hand away. Semi-consciously I grasp his fingers, and Jack stops.
It takes all my guts to look at him.
Jack moves a bit closer and brushes my cheek slightly. This sensation seems familiar to me...
It wasn't my imagination... not in the car, not in the store, not in the bar, not in the cinema... Did he really think about it from the very beginning?
Jack's getting closer, and I'm not pulling away. I don't want to pull away. Though my heart beats so fast. Though my breath stopped completely...
The world turns upside down when Jack kisses me. No shyness, no doubt.
The kiss is soft, wet, and warm. And Jack is tugging my lower lip slightly.
I don't know how to kiss... I haven't tried it with anyone. I'm trying to follow Jack.
This is an absolutely incredible and indescribable feeling.
The further we go, the hotter it gets. Jack's tongue slips between my teeth. Jack is fervent and persistent, I can't keep up, and I start to topple on the grass. Jack follows me, not interrupting the kiss.
I forget to breathe.
Jack's hand slid under my shirt. And I feel how aroused he is.
No, no, this is too much! I can't!
I break the kiss and take a deep breath.
Jack stops. He hovers over me and stares into my face.
"I'm sorry," he says. "I... too much..." His breath is fast and uneven.
He gets up and walks back and forth a little. His emotions are just as intense as mine, and he doesn't hide them at all.
We get back into the car and drive to the house. Although, I would prefer to walk to calm down. My excitement has not subsided yet. I hope it is not so noticeable.
I try not to look at Jack as I pull a bag with a sketchbook and paints he bought for me out of the trunk. Brent runs out of the shack. He is very angry. And I quickly go into the house. I can hear Brent's yelling at Jack, but I can't face them now. I think if Brent takes one look at me, at my face, he will immediately understand everything.
I lie on the bed with my clothes on and pretend to be asleep. But is it possible to fall asleep after that?!
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