THE PRESENT

June had wrapped her hands around the mug. Her fingers were shaking. The tea had cooled off by now, but she still got lost staring into her turbid drink. She took a sip hoping that it would ease her soar throat.

She looked aside. Juan had bent his head and was staring at his knees. There were spatters on his jeans, the remnants of his tears. June wiped her eyes. The silence was suffocating her, but she didn't know what to say.

There had never been someone else. He had left her to protect her. It had been an act of love – a desperate, unforgivable act, but he had done it because he had loved her. Because he had loved her too much to risk her.

She knew she never would have been able to do it herself; not even if it had put him in danger, and because of that it made his decision to leave even braver.

But fifteen years had passed. Fifteen years. Why had it take so long for him to come back? Why had he come back at all? They weren't anywhere close to being done talking, but for today she had said enough. She was too emotional, and he wasn't any better.

"You can't stay here," she said softly. "Maybe later, once we have dealt with things."

He looked up. Again there was this lost, empty gaze. It broke her heart.

"I never intended to stay. I just wanted to see you one last time before..."

She placed her finger against his lips. "Don't," she whispered. "I'm not ready for this to be goodbye."

He kept silent. Her thumb was brushing across his lip and she thought back to the first time she had done that. Back then there had been a dazzling smile that would cross his lips. Now she got the impression he had lost that smile years ago.

Shakily, she breathed in. Before the tears could overpower her once more, she stood up. "I'll call Jordy. She has a spare room."

"You don't have to, June," he answered quietly. "I don't wanna bother anyone else."

Her heart squeezed as he said her name. She had never thought she would hear that again. It made her knees feel weak and she dropped sideways on his lap. She felt how he inhaled sharply, and saw his eyes go wide.

"Hold me," she whispered.

Hesitating, Juan did as he was told; first wrapping one arm around her, then the other. With her cheek she leaned against his shoulder, inhaling deeply, taking in his scent.

"Let me help you, Juan. Please. You need me. And I... I need you." She looked up to him. "Promise me that you won't disappear one day, not again. Not without telling me."

He rubbed his face, unrest was gleaming in his eyes. "I can't stay, June. There are – there are people who want me dead. I can't... your son..."

Caressing his cheek, June looked into his panicking eyes. She gave him a soft kiss, making him cut off his sentence immediately.

"I don't wanna hear it, Juan," she whispered. "Not now."

Before she could be tempted to let it lead to a real kiss, she pulled back her face. Her fingertips wandered across his stubbled cheek – it was impossible not to touch him.

He was the man that had hurt her, to the depths of her soul. But she had also loved him more than she had ever loved anyone.

"For fifteen years you have stayed out of your enemy's hands. I don't know how long you been on the run again, but I know you never would have come here if you thought they would find you so soon. Let go of the fear, baby. Just for a while. Let me help you." She held his gaze. "Please."

Slowly, he nodded. "Okay," he whispered. "Okay, give Jordy a call. She eh – she isn't sleeping with any bikers, right?"

Her lips curled up a little. Jordy had always had a thing for eccentric people; a biker could easily have been one of them. "She's with a painter," June answered. "You think you can handle that?"

For a moment there was a hint of a smile on his lips. Her chest swelled with love, it felt like there was still a bit of her Juan hidden inside this man and she was determined to pull the rest of him to the front too. She took her phone from the kitchen table and headed out the back door.

Before she called Jordy, she sniffed deeply, trying to clear her nose; because of all the sobbing her whole head seemed to be congested. Again she rubbed her face and glanced back inside.

From behind the dinner table Juan was staring at her, but as soon as she tried to show him an encouraging smile, he bowed his head. She sighed softly. He looked so lost, so damaged. It was impossible to try and imagine what had happened to him. She almost wondered if there were really people after him, or if the danger was all in his head. The moment their eyes had connected, she had known that he suffered from PTSD, which was one more reason she wanted him around Jordy. Her friend knew how to deal with people who had gone through traumatic events.

She focused on the screen again, looking up Jordy's name and pressing the green button. For a moment the fear arose that she wouldn't pick up the phone, June wouldn't know what to do without her friend's help. Then there was a click.

"Hey Junie! Is everything okay?"

"Eh... I don't know," she answered softly. "Umm, Juan is here."

For a few seconds there was a silence – which was a miracle in itself during a phone call with her friend.

"What?" Jordy asked in a dazed tone.

"Yeah..." She glanced through the window. "He is confused, in panic... he's been at my house for almost an hour and he hasn't done much besides crying. I doubt he has a place to go to and I don't want him to meet Ravi yet. Not before I know if he'll stick around."

"You haven't told him?"

"No, he's too upset. If I tell him now, that he has a fifteen year old son... I think he might collapse." She bit her lip.

"And I take it you haven't told him about you and E?"

"No, we haven't been able to talk that much. He only told me why he left Queens."

Patiently, Jordy waited while June, tripping over her words, told her what Juan had said to her.

"Damn..." Jordy said quietly. "That's intense! How do you feel?"

She shrugged. "It hurts to see him this way. I'm really worried about him. Can he stay with you for a while?"

"Of course he can, sweetie. Don't worry about that. The door is always open; for you, for E, for the kids. And also for Juan."

June let out a relieved sigh. "Thank you," she whispered. She already knew how blessed she was with a friend like Jordy, but again her helpfulness always surprised her. Nothing was ever too much for her. "I'll tell him."

She said goodbye to her friend and went inside the house again. Juan looked up as he heard her footsteps. Hope was beaming in his eyes, she felt his longing for someone to stay with him and she wished she could have been that one herself.

"Jor is okay with you coming over," she said, glancing at her watch. "We can continue a conversation tomorrow if you want." It was getting close to the end of the day and Ravi would be home from school soon.

He nodded, but avoided her eyes. "Will it bother your boyfriend that I stopped by? I mean – does he know about me? I don't wanna... I don't wanna cause a fight."

If you only knew...

But she couldn't tell him the truth, she was too afraid how he would respond. He wouldn't understand – sometimes she didn't even understand it herself.

"I might have some explaining to do," she muttered. That wasn't a lie – it just wasn't her boyfriend that would need the explanation.

She took a notepad from the table and wrote down Jordy's address.

"Promise me you'll go to her, Juan," she said after handing him the piece of paper. She kept his glance.

A bit distracted he nodded. "Yeah, okay. I promise. First I need... First I need a ride to clear my head, but tonight I'll stop by."

June smiled. His eyes shot to her lips, making her blush. That would probably never change.

She walked with him to the hallway. Right before he left, they exchanged their numbers. A little awkwardly they stared at each other.

She didn't want him to leave, everything in her screamed for him to stay. But she knew he couldn't.

"I see you tomorrow, right?" she asked, kissing his cheek.

"Yeah..." he answered quietly. His arm glided around her and he pulled her close. "Thank you, June."

She felt his lips against her forehead and squeezed her eyes. Then they let go of each other and he walked away.

With a heavy heart June watch him leave. She swallowed with some difficulty. Please, don't let this be the last time I see him.

. . .

"You wanna tell me what's goin' on?" His hand stroked her side before settling on her hip.

With a sigh she rolled to the left, so she could look at Emilio's face in the dim light.

"Since I've been home from work you've been in your own little world."

"I'm still trying to get my mind around what happened today," she said quietly. Her fingers caressed the back of his hand for a while, until she moved them up across his arm and shoulder to his face, softly stroking his skin. Stubble scrubbed underneath her touch. "Juan was here this afternoon."

She felt how his body tensed. "What?"

"Yeah."

Emilio reached out for the light on the night stand; turning it on so he could see her face. His eyes were wide in disbelief. For a while he stared at her, then the corners of his lips curled up, forming his typical grin. "Still a better kisser than me?"

His light response let the fog inside her head clear a bit. She looked him in the eye. "We didn't kiss."

Emilio let out a disbelieving laugh. "Even I would smack one on him after this long."

June raised herself on her elbow, supporting her head with her hand. "He was so broken, he cried almost the whole the time." She laced her fingers with his and sighed. "I have never seen such a horrible thing. The thought of it still hurts. He must have been through some terrible times."

Emilio dropped his eyes, his thumb rubbing the back of her hand. "Where's he now?"

"At Jordy's."

He nodded, his eyes still aimed at the blankets. "You think he'd wanna see me?"

"I don't know," she said honestly.

The two of them hadn't parted as friends, eighteen years ago. She knew Juan had never hated someone so much as his former best friend.

June had forgiven him, but whether Juan would be able to do that as well... She had her doubts – especially in his current situation.

"You want him back?"

"Emilio..." she sighed.

He looked up. "It's okay, June. It really is. I know you love him more than you love me, it has always been that way, and I also know he loved your more than I ever could."

"He abandoned me, E. You think I can just forget about that?"

Emilio stroked her cheek. "But not for the reason you thought, huh? There was no other girl."

She bent her head, pressing her lips together. Emilio had never believed that Juan had dumped her for another girl, but when he came back in her life, ten years had already passed. It hadn't made a difference.

"No. He told me today that it was because he had pissed off the wrong people and that he left to keep me safe."

"And he let Luna tell you he was with someone else, so you wouldn't go looking for him."

Slowly she nodded, a little blindsided that he knew his former friend so well that he could still explain his behaviour after all these years.

"Makes sense." Emilio said as he shifted a little closer, stroking her cheek, her neck, her shoulder. "I just want you to be happy, June. I've tried to make you happy for five years now, but I know he is always in the back of your mind."

She looked past him, swallowing a sigh. "It's only because of your guilt that you're pushing this so hard. Guilt towards me. Towards Juan."

"And because I love you."

Hearing those words, made her cringe.

A sad smile appeared around Emilio's lips. "I know you shielded off your heart since Juan left you. You have never told me that you love me, and I have never heard you even say it to Rafi and Glenn."

June blinked away a few tears. He was right. Since Juan had left her, those words had never slipped through her lips again. What kind of mother was she, if she couldn't even tell her own children she loved them?

But saying those words had felt like a curse, one that had only brought her pain in the past. Everyone that she had ever admitted her love too was out of her life now. Her father. Her mother. Beth. Juan.

Jordy was the only one who had stuck around, through thick and thin, as if an angel sent by God. Without her, she never would have made it.

"He isn't the same man that I loved all those years ago, E. He's changed, we all have."

For far too long June had hoped for his return. But now, she didn't want to slip back to that uncertainty, reopening all the old wounds, with that thin hope that he would stay. She wanted to help him, wanted to see that beautiful smile return to his lips, but being together with him like they had been in the past... She couldn't, too much had happened. Snuggling closer to Emilio, resting her head on his shoulder, she closed her eyes. She might never have said it to him, but she did love him. "I don't wanna lose you, E."

His hand raked through her hair as he pressed his lips against her forehead, just like Juan had done a few hours ago.

His silence weighing heavy on her heart as she drifted off.