“I knew it!” The girl let out a wide smile, letting her teeth shine bright like a crystal. “Okay, confession time… I read your short story that you submitted last year. Please don’t get mad!”
“W-Wait, wha…?” Zachary took a step away from her in shock.
“I mean, it was a little gloomy— but I sorta understood it, there was a certain theme, almost close to Myung’s bizarre and bright themes.”
It was true.
A year prior, Zachary had just begun writing his own original short stories and a short story contest happened in the school a few weeks after that, prompting him to write one solely for it.
Unlike most of the other stories that were fantasy-focused, his story was a bit bizarre — which was why it was not able to earn first place but was good enough to be an honorable mention. A character-centered story about an author’s mind struggling for a change in his life. That was what it was about. The story could have been considered fantasy in its own way as it was inside the twisted mind of the author with fantastical elements here and there, but like the judges said, it was “too vague.”
Despite that, it was all too similar to many things he had read about, and to him specifically, but it was one he felt the need to write at that time. And that was what garnered the girl’s attention towards Zachary.
“It was like a more complicated version of Alice In Wonderland if you ask me,” she laughed, switching the confident tune in her voice to a more awkward one, “But… I liked it. At least, it got a bit of recognition, mine was thrown completely into the trash. The concept of a creator trapped within a cascade of his own mind was really well done here.”
「So this is what it was all about…」
All the bickering. All the stalking. All the discomfort she brought him was of his own product. If they hadn’t met today, she would have probably chased him to the ends of the Earth for this one thing, just to praise his work and nothing else.
After finally figuring out the reason behind her interest in him, he could not bring himself to hate it.
Out of everyone, his family, his classmates, the judges, it was the girl with barely any experience, just a simple reader, that managed to understand his work, that found potential under all the rumble. It meant nothing in reality, this girl could not bring him to the major leagues or help him be recognized in any way, but her words made his heart almost flutter. It helped him realize that even if he could not understand emotions all too well, he could still make something that replicates it.
But…
「There’s no point to it.」
Like shadows crawling back from the darkness, the negative lingering thoughts came back. Memories of him weeping in his desk riddled his mind, of how he struggled to find reason for what he wanted. The desire for a colored world would not suffice as a strong resolve in his mind.
“It was honestly… inspiring in a way,” the girl placed the fingertips of both her palms against each other and smiled, “So you see, I wanted someone to attend the meet-and-greet with me and I’ve had my eye on you for quite some time as you might have noticed.” She chuckled, “No pressure or anything, of course. You just seem like the perfect guy for it since we are kinda like each other. I thought maybe, just maybe if we meet up with her, we could be one step closer to what we want.”
「No no, that’s just wrong.」
Even with her perfect attitude and answers, it was still wrong in Zachary’s eyes.
“And if we do that, and nothing happens, then what?” He offered his honest opinion, “What if you’re wrong?”
“Huh?!” She took a step back.
That optimism and blind judgment of hers were in the wrong place, she would be no different from his father or any of his other idols that were lost in time.
Without knowing much about her, just from her words, he saw the girl as one who possessed one story within, and once she was done with it, there was nothing else, she would be lost to time just like the others as well. And frankly, Zachary saw himself as the same. All his stories revolved around a similar topic in each of their own ways. He believed that once he could properly portray it, he would have nothing else. If luck deemed his idea a success, it would not be for the next one.
That was what he feared the most, why he did not want to finish his story.
“It’s all about time and luck,” he said with a firm belief in his words, “We could put all our effort into it but it would mean nothing if we don’t have those two elements. So many people give it their all and yet we know nothing about them! How would we be any different?”
“What’s the point of questions if you don’t try?” The girl interrupted, her face full with a bundle of frustrated emotions as she struggled to win against Zachary’s dark delusions, “Sitting around and imagining the worst won’t get you answers. And you won’t get them unless you try.”
“Try, try and try again? Finish one goal by pure luck and then onto the next with completely nothing. When will it stop being a struggle?”
“That’s what makes it special! If there’s no struggle, then what’s the point? If I just drop down words and call it a novel then is that really a good thing? If you could write without struggling, would you feel good about yourself?”
“So what? You’re in it for the pain?”
“The struggles, the pain you’re talking about, bears all my emotions. A story without one is just hollow, it’s meaningless. If I don’t put my all, my highs and lows, into it then it will come off as empty. That’s what it takes to make a story like Myung!” The girl was shouting. She was frustrated by his refusal to truly listen to her argument, she wanted to get her point across but he simply wouldn’t let her. But when she realized how loud her voice had become, she widened her eyes in surprise and turned back a bit, “I’m… I’m so sorry for… snapping like that. I just hate it when someone— N-Nevermind…”
「You...」
How did it come to this? Both of them wondered. A simple conversation between two youths of the same desire somehow almost turned into a full-blown argument of conflicting passions. It was clear that each of them saw that same passion in a completely different light from the other. There was still that single thread left, the one to determine their own sides on the spectrum. If it were to be cut, then the answer was pretty clear, ergo that lingering question that was still on Zachary's mind.
“You still haven’t answered my question,” Zachary was persistent, “You keep talking about how you can overcome this and how you can write that, but why even do it? What’s the point in any of this? If I follow your advice and put all my pain into my story but it doesn’t succeed, then what was the point?!”
He was looking for answers to his own questions, questions about himself. He wanted something new and convincing enough to cling onto. But deep down, he knew the answer.
“Why do you want to be like Myung? Why do you want to be an author? Why do you do this?”
「Don’t you dare say it. Be different.」
“I…” She hesitated for a moment, holding her grip against her chest, and, with all her might, let out her answer with a smile. “I want that bright-colored life, you know.”
“...!”
Feeling his heart drop after hearing those words, Zachary could only stare at her in shock.
Both of them fell silent after coming to that revelation.
Their silence was soon enveloped within the rain.
At that moment, the rain seemed louder than ever before, as if it would turn into a waterfall from the sky to drown them all. It felt like a huge barrier standing between the words that were to be said in the next moment.
Each of them was in their own thoughts.
Zachary looked down and sighed deeply, “You are wrong about me… You’re not like me.”
Without letting his sights escape the ground, he walked away, letting the rain drop down on him like bullets, and leaving the girl alone to her dilemma.
This was the final straw.
He shouldn’t have joined her when she told him to. He shouldn’t have talked to her. He should have ignored her and went about with his colorless life as usual. He was content with it, it was the life that did not end with him being at the short end of the stick, forgotten and alone.
It was all a mistake.
“W-Wait—”
As she called for him, he walked faster, to get away from the rain as quickly as possible, to get away from her.
There were so many questions in his mind, so many struggles that he didn’t want to solve.
He wanted to run away from it all, and so he ran.
He ran without a second thought, leaving everything that could be behind him and facing only what should be. That girl was a wake-up call to him, that was what he believed, a wake-up call of what not to do. She was blinded by the same goals and followed them believing she was happy.
But there was no such thing as happiness.
That was the truth, the truth of Zachary Ashworth, a man who was never allowed to have what he wanted, to be happy. Whenever he asked for something as a child, he would always be met with rejection. That was how it was all the time.
Zachary wanted things. Zachary never got them.
Growing in a poor household, he barely had a chance to know what it was like to get what he wanted. If he were to want that desire, there would only be failure at the end of the road. And there was nothing more to fear in the world than failure. That applied not only to the materialistic things but to everything that shaped what his life would become. Even if he desired a chase, he learned to chase after what he needed and not what he wanted.
He would always be told to be content with what he had and be happy with it. He would always be told that so much was being done for him, that he should shut up and follow along so happiness would come for him.
Happiness does not come to those who ask, and it does not come to those who stay silent, it does not exist. That was what he was told.
「So why is she happy?」
It frustrated him.
The girl had the same desires, the same goals, and almost the same life, but she lived it in a completely different manner. She pushed aside all the negativities, while also keeping them in mind, and looked at the grey world between the black and white one. Yet still, she wanted neither, she aimed for the world that rarely existed: the bright-colored world. A world only realized in books and seen in movies. The world Myung gave her readers on a silver platter. They need only believe and they can see it. After all, what is fiction but a piece of reality?
「But it’s all hogwash… all of it.」
He stood idly at the station, staring down at the ground as he took shelter from the rain under the station’s roof. A red light was flickering several times at a leisure pace, signaling that the tram will arrive shortly.
In a few minutes it will come to a halt in front of the station, just as always, and he’ll step inside and leave, just as he does every day. There was no need for him to think of chasing a useless dream once again. It wasn’t like he, out of everyone else in the world, will change the world. It will move on without him like always.
「Like always…」
A gust of wind coursed through the station as the tram finally arrived. It was as if a storm was coming. The doors opened, and the few people that were nearby walked in. Everything was pointing toward that one path, the path that he always trod. He should leave… and never look back.
But he didn’t.
Any person with resolve believed in only moving forward and never turning back to the past. It was a logical path to take. Naturally, Zachary should follow it as well and move on. That encounter was just a minor setback, a fever dream. Yet, he knew that even though he had the right mindset in a way, the path he walked was the wrong one.
「The wrong path… right and wrong…」
He let out a deep breath that was visible to the eyes from the cold.
「No! There is no right and wrong, or black and white — there never was — there is only a choice, just like mom once said.」
He nervously tapped his finger on the side of his leg.
「It won’t matter if I choose to leave. It won’t matter if I choose to stay.」
He looked back at the path he came from.
「Nothing will stop me from making a choice.」
He tightened his grip.
「That’s right…」
“...,” He desired the courage to speak up.
「I’m free.」
“I…”
「Yeah, I’m free to do whatever I want.」
Happiness does not come to those who ask, and it does not come to those who stay silent, it comes to those who choose it.
“I want it…” The words finally escaped his breath, the words he desperately tried to reject for no reason.
With that choice finally in mind, Zachary turned his back to the direction of the tram, his last means of escape from the perilous choice he was about to make, and ran in the opposite direction, back to the rain and the mud.
They say there was once a boy who believed in nothing and acted upon nothing, and then he met a girl; a girl who showed him reason.
And so the boy ran with all his might. Even in a world of hardships and forces that would always push one back, he moved forward, all in an effort to return to the girl and tell her the truth, to take her hand and walk together toward whatever road they would choose.
「Please be there, please be there, please be there…」
Zachary still had a lingering fear in his mind that he might have missed his chance and made the choice too late. That girl could have left long ago. He wouldn’t blame her if she did so, it would only be a natural response to his actions.
But he didn’t want that.
For once in his life, he wasn’t content with things as they were, he wasn’t going to accept a result that didn’t suit him, he was going to get what he wanted. And what he wanted—
「There!」
She was still there.
The girl was still standing on the side of the road with all her beauty and innocence. She held an umbrella to shelter her from the rain as she rested her back on the fence. This would be the time where Zachary would question why she stayed behind, no sane person would do so in weather this bad.
But he knew the answer: She was just like him, an idiot who had a belief.
“Heeeey!!” He called out to her.
She turned her head in his direction and her face was lit with surprise.
“I want it too!” Zachary shouted at the top of his lungs, not giving the slightest thought about the rain, throwing away the worries that clouded his mind for so long.
He stopped for a moment to catch his breath after all that running back from the station — he did not have the best stamina.
He faced the girl from afar with pride and resolve, and shouted once again.
“I want to be like Myung. I want to write. I want to create. I want that bright-colored life too!!!”
The girl smiled.
And so the boy with no reason in a colorless world finally started to see color.
Comments (0)
See all