Sebastian gave me his old yellow backpack to fill with what I would need for the next few days.
At first all I could say was,
"I don't have anything."
But his parents had filled the dresser in my room with clothes, when they told me this I tried not to cry.
Some times I forgot what having people around was like, what not surviving on my own was like.
I tried everything on, I wanted to remember what having so much felt like.
They had given me three pairs of Jon's old jeans, they were varying shades of blue. Each fitting like mom jeans, but I believe they weren't intended to fit that way given the difference in body types between me and Jon.
I had plenty of t shirts ones fitted and oversized. And two white tank tops. Steven had given me two old pairs of sweatpants, telling me to cut one pair into shorts so I "can have one for the summer". He smiled while saying this like it had been the best idea I could have ever heard.
At the bottom of the drawer was my sweater.
I had forgotten I had worn it last here. It was my dads, it was a dark green crew neck that he had given to me when I had grown out of my Winnie the Pooh sweater.
It had been huge on me, and I was hesitant to take it because he liked it so much. But he said he had been meaning to get a new one. Now I know he just wanted me to have something of his, just in case.
I sat on the floor holding the sweater in my arms. Tears welling up in my eyes.
I take a deep breath, and pull my self together. And put what I need into my bag.
~~~~
I meet everyone in the garage, with my backpack in my arms.
Erin seems to be taking inventory, checking off items as Steph puts them in the back of the black van.
Sebastian had said we were giving Amber frozen fruit we had grown, milk, eggs, and home made items from people around the settlement.
I was surprised when he said this, because it implied there were more than just the people who lived in the house with us.
He explained that there are multiple cabins that had been built the past few years that are occupied.
"Hello October." Hailey says from next to Erin.
"Hello, do you need me to do anything?" I ask.
"Nope, you just missed helping." Jon said sharply.
"Oh Jon, I didn't notice you." Voice monotone.
Erin laughs finishing the inventory and coming over to greet me.
"Jon is coming with us." She says not trying to hide her distain.
"I have to, Amber requested I did." He said glaring at her.
He suddenly snapped out of it, wiping the look off of his face he grins.
"Sebastian!" Jon shouts.
He isn't acknowledged as Sebastian puts his things into the van and turns to the rest of us,
"Let's go." He mutters.
~~~~
Jon drives, allegedly it's because he is the best but when everyone follows me to the back row I start to believe differently.
"Okay why do you guys hate him?" I ask quietly, just barely above the "John Mayer" CD he had brought to play.
"Well, first he likes John Mayer." Erin says not looking up from her nails. Steph giggles at this.
"He's gay but hates bi, pan, and trans people." Steph says. "And he has a real weird crush on Sebastian."
I cringe at the sentiments.
"Has he done anything to any of you?" I ask feeling uneasy.
Erin and Sebastian shake their heads. Steph sits still.
"He beat me up once, said I was just a predator." She whispers.
"I didn't mean to make you tell me." I say, guilt begins to crawl up my throat.
"It's okay. Erin and Sebastian know, Im comfortable with you knowing." She says smiling.
"You know what I am right?" She asks me.
I shake my head, deciding that honesty is best.
"I am trans." Her voice quivers as she whispers those three words to me. I smile, and reach over the back of the seat that is between us to hug her.
"The four of us had been friends, but I mentioned it in passing. I assumed he knew."
"He acted differently immediately. But we all thought it was shock. But when I was alone, he attacked me."
Steph didn't have any emotion on her face as she said this, she looked completely numb.
I don't know why or how, but anger was overtaking me. My vision went black and the car stalled and turned off.
Confusion filled every ones voices as they filed out of the van.
I made my way to Jon by the hood of the car, I still feel rage bubbling over in me.
I punch Jon in the side of his face, I hear several gasps. He's fine, he will just be bruised.
After he's stood up again ready to argue about what ever he believed was going on, the van turns back on.
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