The next day the TV wakes me up. Sean had a habit of turning the TV on to wake up. I go to the kitchen. Sean sleeps with his head covered. The bathroom door is ajar, and the water is running. He might have forgotten to turn it off. I look in there and see Sean in the shower. Still not fully awake, I try to figure out why there are two Seans in my home. Then it dawns on me that I mistook a crumpled blanket for Sean in the room.

While I'm thinking, my eyes are wandering over his body. Sean is ripped now. He stands with his back to me and does not see me. And he masturbates.

Well, at least someone has a good morning...

I go back to the bedroom.

I vividly remember how good it was with Sean. In fact, everything I know about sex I learned during our relationship.

This picture made me a bit aroused. Before, we never closed the bathroom door. So we were constantly late in the mornings...

I stay in the room until Sean leaves. I start to work on my projects. After lunch, I go to the university, where I stay late. When I get home, I feel a tempting smell from the kitchen.

"Hey! Finally! Food is getting cold!" Sean declares resentfully from the doorway.

I change and sit in front of him.

"I wanted to thank you for your kindness," Sean says and puts a bottle of wine on the table.

Sean cooks well, but he is no match for Laura. However, I eat with pleasure and drink wine. Seriously, has the time machine been invented yet? It's like I'm living in my past. And if so, then I would like to choose a different time - about a month and a half ago.

I promised myself to stop thinking about it. And I still do.

I think what Aiden would look like now in Sean's place. How would I feel then?

Sean talks and talks about what he has been doing for the past two years. It turns out that he traveled all over Europe, lived in New Zealand, but came back.

"I think I'll never be the same," he smiles and sips his wine. "When you live one day at a time, everything seems brighter."

It feels like he reproaches me for something. I am the lord of boring everyday life, while Sean cracked the secret of true happiness.

"Why came back then?" I ask.

Sean licks his lips and squints, "Wherever I went, whoever I met, I kept thinking about you."

Silently, I look at him without even being surprised. He continues, "I thought we were missing something inside, but we were missing outside. On the road, in other countries, I often thought that if you had been with me now, it would have been perfect. You and I got bogged down in everyday life too quickly, and I never wanted such a routine, and you did too. I remember what we talked about. So I was thinking that we could give it another shot. You're finishing your last semester, and we can go anywhere. What do you think?"

I smile, "For you, the last two years have passed like a party, and my life went on as usual. Why do you think I'll drop everything now and go with you?"

"Because I know you, Jack. Without hesitation, you let me into your house. Yesterday we had a good time. Now we are having dinner like these two years never happened, right?" Sean tilts his head, staring at me.

I shake my head. Maybe it looks like it, but the feelings are completely different.

"Do you have someone?" Sean asks. My gaze changes and Sean understands my answer.

"No," I say.

"Lies. Is it serious?" Sean asks, locking his fingers under his chin. His eyes are still on me.

"Stop playing shrink. You think you can see right through me, but you can't," I gulp wine. Am I nervous?

Sean doesn't say anything. He washes dishes. I thank him for dinner and go to the shower. I turn my face up to the water stream and hear someone else enter the bathroom. And now there are two of us in the shower. I remember this feeling from the past. It tickles the nerves, teases, and excites. Sean runs his hand over my body.

"You saw me this morning, Jack." Sean kisses my shoulder. "Doesn't stir up any memories?"

I turn around and push him against the wall. Just like in these very memories. I don't mind the pleasure, but looking at Sean, I stop.

I can't. Maybe below the waist, I don't mind, but I can't... Sean wraps his arms around me, pulls me towards him. And I think about Aiden. I'm stuck in the past.

All this has already happened.

All this is in the past.

But there is one big difference between my memories of Sean and Aiden.

Memories of Sean exist as if isolated from me. I re-watch them like an old film that has nothing to do with me. Memories of Aiden are alive. They are attached to me and continue in the same way as my life goes. And they are drawn to the future because this story is not over yet. It is not over for me.

I push Sean aside and get out of the shower. Baffled, he looks at me. But I run away and lock myself in the bedroom.

Sean knocks on the door.

"Jack, what's the matter?" He asks. "You wanted to... Let me in."

Well, yes, I did...

I know that no one will get hurt. No one will ever know about it. I don't betray anyone. But somehow I feel otherwise. I will know. And I've already done a lot of stupid things. I don't want to add up to my collection.

"No, Sean."

"You don't like me anymore?"

I open the door and see naked Sean in front of me.

"Really?!" I cry out. "Are you out of your mind to ask such a question two years after you left?!"

"Well, I'm back!" Sean exclaims with a smile. "You have no one. Are you mad at me?"

"That's not the point," I frown and turn away. "And could you cover yourself? Please!"

Sean furrows his brows, "I don't understand you, Jack."

"I don't understand you too."

"Okay, okay, maybe it looks like I'm rushing things..." He pauses and swallows nervously. "But you know me, I'm not very patient especially when I want something." Sean looks me straight in the eyes. I don't say anything, and silence seems to put pressure on Sean and squeeze words out of him. "I want us to get back together, Jack. I want you back."

Now I feel the pressure of silence too. Did I think of it? A long time ago. Did I want it? Maybe.

Do I want it now?..

No.

I don't want to hurt Sean. But despite the loneliness, the thought of being with anyone now seems unpleasant. With anyone, but Aiden...

"I..." I start to talk, searching for the right words. "I don't think it'll work."

"Why not?" Sean keeps pushing.

I look him in the eyes, and I don't want to say it, but I want to clear things out even if it hurts.

"I don't love you. And I don't want to start over," I say without a quiver in my voice. I just state the fact. But when Sean's eyes darken, I feel sorry for him.

"I'm sorry," I add in a vain attempt to soften my words. He purses his lips and nods several times, goes into the room, and dresses. Maybe, he's packing things.

I walk into the living room, "Look, it doesn't mean you have to leave. You can stay if you really have nowhere to go," I pacify.

"If we're being honest," he says, something like despair in his voice. "Yes, I have nowhere to go! But that's not even the point. I just..."

Sean sits down on the sofa.

"I feel so stupid..." he grins bitterly and then looks up at me. "You hit me hard with "I don't love you". Have you got no heart?!"

I can't understand if he's joking or hiding his pain.

"I just wanted to clear things out," I say firmly, Sean's glancing at me.

"Well, that you did..." He rubs his forehead. "I guess I should apologize for the..."

"Drop it." I cut him. "No need to apologize. Just don't do it again, and you can stay on a couch. Ok?"

Sean purses his lips and looks at me thoughtfully, "So you are like that now?"

"Like what?"

"No fun and no play?"

I don't have anything to say, and Sean adds, "Or you don't want me because I'm your ex?"

"What? No! Shit... Sean, can we drop the topic?"

Sean stares at me for several moments and then breathes out loudly, "Okay, as you wish."

"Are we cool?"

"Yeah... we're cool."

I can see Sean's resentment or something similar, but I don't want to press on. When we were close in the past, we never left problems unresolved, never kept secrets (I think), and it seemed natural. But now I don't want this intimacy with Sean. I don't want to know all his feelings and thoughts. I'm ok with him staying on my couch and being my friend, but I don't want more.

I go to bed, and on the way out, I ask if I should turn off the light for him. But instead of answering, Sean says thoughtfully, "I shouldn't have left you, Jack. It was the most stupid thing in my life. I didn't know what I was looking for, and in the end, I lost something important."

I don't even know what to say to that.

Sean gets a job as a bartender in a cafe. I continue to study. Sean doesn't start talking about us. There's no more awkwardness between us. I don't know how hard it is for him to be my friend and not a lover. Could I live like this with Aiden?

Most likely, I would climb the walls every night. But Sean is different, or his feelings are different.

We usually have dinner together, watch TV and go to bed. To our respective beds.

Today at dinner, Sean shows me a piece of paper. It's a napkin from the cafe with his portrait drawn with a ballpoint pen.

"Cool, right?" Sean smiles. "A guy made it in a couple of minutes! He is a waiter. Young and cute. Girls adore him, but he's kinda shy and very quiet. Only if he was a bit older, I would..." He laughs and puts the portrait away.

Aiden immediately pops up in my mind. I have never seen his drawings.

I thought that with time distance between us would grow and I wouldn't think about him so much, but exactly the opposite happens. It's getting more and more dreary with each passing day.

"Jack," Sean tries to get my attention. "Are you all right?"

I nod.

"Listen," he says seriously. "I understand two years have passed and all that, but you have never been like this before. If something happened, you can tell me. I'll try to help, you know. It hurts to see you like this."

"What?" I ask uncomprehendingly.

"Somebody's ill or... dead?" Sean softens his voice. "Tell me what torments you. Lighten your soul."

It seems strange to talk about my longing for Aiden with Sean, who wanted to get back together. So I'm lying, "I've been tired lately. A lot has piled up. My father wants me to come home right after graduation to help him with the farm, but I'm not sure. And it seems so stupid. I didn't need a diploma to work on the farm."

"Well, your father definitely can't make you work on the farm. You are big enough to think for yourself. He will grumble, but he'll come around eventually. I remember your old man."

I only grin.


Two months have passed. And today Sean told me he wanted to move out.

"It was harder than I thought," he says.

"What exactly?"

"Living with you," he smiles sadly. "I realized that there are really no chances. I must move on. Plus, now I can afford to be on my own again." He winks and smiles.

I don't know what to say, and Sean adds, "Wanna see my place?"

"Sure. Why not?"