I have to live with myself and so

I want to be fit for myself to know.

I want to be able as days go by,

always to look myself straight in the eye;

I don't want to stand with the setting sun

and hate myself for the things I have done.

I don't want to keep on a closet shelf

a lot of secrets about myself

-from “Myself”

by Edgar Albert Guest

        I awoke drenched in sweat, startled by how much like reality that dream had seemed. ‘What the hell was that about?’ I thought to myself, ‘Just who was that?’

        I got out of bed with a sigh and looked at the clock on the opposite wall. ‘6:30 AM, huh? Ugh.’

        Groaning, I stripped off my nightshirt, put my contact lenses in their case, before groaning in disgust at my heterochromatic eyes, and got in the shower. A contented sigh escaped my lips as the warm water hit my body, and I attempted to analyze what the dream meant.

        “Okay, first off, it’s obviously not about me, so that’s good. Who was that, though, and what was, or is, she? I mean, black wings, red eyes, ebony skin?! It’s like something out of mythology, or even worse, a shitty horror movie,” I said with a sigh as I shook my head.

        A little bit about me, my name is Rosalyn and I’m a 21-year-old in college to learn coding, though I do some on my own as freelance work, given I’ve been learning it for the last few years on my own. Yes, my parents were weird when it came to naming their only child. Anyways, back to my shower scene.

        I slowly began to run my hands over my body as I washed it carefully, making sure the sweat and grime of yesterday went down the drain.

        Thirty minutes later, I stepped out of the shower and dried myself off, admiring myself in the bathroom mirror as I did so, with the exception of my eyes. ‘No matter how many times I see them, I hate that they look like this,’ I think sourly, ‘why did I have to be born with eyes like these?’

        I think back to before I graduated high school, the amount of kids that wouldn’t leave me alone, all because my eyes were ‘weird’ and ‘unnatural.’ Though, I have grown to at least like the colors a little, one dark red and one a dull gold, but still. Years of being told it’s ‘wrong’ takes a toll on one’s mentality. All the notes, stupidly empty threats, several years of being completely and utterly ignored. No matter how many times I begged my parents, well, my dad, at least, for some sort of solution, it seemed to fall on deaf ears.

        I sighed and shook my head as I finished wrapping my hair up in a towel and walked out of my bathroom, yawning as I glanced at the clock on my laptop, 7:30 AM. “Ugh, I don’t have school, why am I up so early!” I cried in annoyance. I made sure to put my contacts back in, or one of them, anyway. They were just color contacts, and the same colors as my eyes, so I only ever needed to use one.

        Heading to the kitchen to scrounge something to eat, I settled on a bowl of cereal, chocolate strawberry banana pancakes, a tall glass of orange juice and a pop-tart. Hey, a girl’s got to have a good breakfast, right? I finished, albeit slowly, and yawned at the end of it, ‘Again, body, why am I awake?’ I sighed and decided to head to my bedroom to figure out an outfit, one that was something other than a towel or being naked.

        I opened my closet and rummaged around for a few minutes, eventually deciding on a black and white striped sports bra, matching panties, black and white running shoes and a pair of black and white trimmed yoga pants.

        I moved to my living room and started with some stretches after turning on the radio. After spending some time stretching, I moved into cardio workouts, which I did for about an hour or so. Once I thought I was warmed up enough, I moved into practicing what martial arts I’d been trained in, thankful my parents had taken the time to pass that knowledge along. They’d trained me in a majority of the martial arts forms available, including some that are harder to find teachers for these days.

        By the time I was drenched in sweat, with every muscle imaginable aching and screaming at me, I knew I was about to go over a limit that shouldn’t be readily passed and stopped, making my way back to the bathroom. I slowly peeled the sweat soaked workout uniform off piece by piece and showered again, then picked out another outfit. This time I settled for a white, lace-trimmed, black polka-dotted bra with matching panties, biker boots, a black skirt with a white top and a black, leather jacket. I checked myself in the mirror after I donned my sunglasses and threw my dark auburn hair in a ponytail, grabbed my keys, threw my phone in my bag, and headed out. A few minutes later, I was out the front door and hopping on my bike, speeding off to the mall. Once I got there, I spent some time wandering, debating on which stores to shop in today when I found myself in front of the food court, and a rumbling stomach to match. Hey, I said I eat healthy, doesn’t mean I can’t splurge every now and again.

        As I was standing in line for the new pizza place that just opened up, someone tapped on my shoulder and I sighed, wandering if it was the same asshole from last time. “Hey, bitch. I’m want revenge,” he said.

        I could not help myself and smirked before laughing coldly, and turning to face him, “Aww did they finally let your sorry, stupid ass out of the hospital?” I mocked, “Remember how last time went?”

        “Of course, you think I could forget? But that’s why I’m back, I want revenge. I want your ass in the hospital this time,” he said, trying to lead off the fight with a feint to the left before swinging hard from the right.

        “Oh, please. I can read you like a fucking book, you dumb fuck,” I quipped, ducking low and sweeping his feet out from underneath him.

        He landed hard and I pounced, my heel on his throat before I scoffed with disgust, “Pigs like you make me so sick, I want to throw up. Not only are you an asshole who picks fights with girls better than you, not once but several times, you also don’t know when to give up. This is the 20th time this week I’ve put you on your ass or sent you to the hospital already. Give it up! You aren’t going to win against me, not now, not ever. Get the fuck out of MY mall, out of MY face and stay there. I don’t want to see your sorry ass here EVER AGAIN!” I shouted as I let my foot up and he scrambled to the door.

        “You crazy bitch! You should be in jail!!” he screamed as he exited, and I rolled my eyes as I turned around to order two slices of pepperoni pizza with pineapples on top and a large Mt. Dew.

        “Wow. You sure handled him delicately,” a voice nearby stated.

        I turned and smiled, hugging the girl. “He’s just an asshole who has a thick head and can’t learn a simple lesson,” I responded, “It’s nice to see you, again. I was wondering when I’d run into you. How are classes going?”

        “Eh, they’re alright, I guess. Sucks you don’t have to be there today, little miss coding genius.”

        I shrugged my shoulders and sighed, “Not my fault I’ve been at it since I was 10. My parents pushed me into it, and I never looked back. Besides, if I wasn’t such a coding genius, as you called me, I wouldn’t be here right now. Speaking of which, are you skipping class again, Jenna?”

        Jenna smirked and shook her head, “Nah. Class got cancelled due to the teacher being ill or something like that. He couldn’t get hold of you to teach in his stead, so he mass e-mailed the rest of us and let us know what was up.”

        I nodded knowingly and yawned as I ate, “So, you came to the mall to do some shopping instead of other homework?”

        She nodded, “You know me, and I always get my homework done in class. A habit – a good one, I swear I’m not bad mouthing it – that you got me into.”

        I grinned and nodded as I hugged the other woman, “Yep. It’s all part of my plan to make you a better student, love,” I joked.

        She rolled her eyes in response, “So. Are we going to shop or not?”

        I rolled my eyes and nodded, “Yea. We might as well. C’mon. I’ll buy one – let me reiterate that, ONE! – outfit of your choice for you.”

        Jenna rolled her eyes and nodded, “Fine. C’mon, I want to hit Victoria’s Secret, Barnes & Noble, the new computer shop, Maurice’s, Hot Topic, Spencer’s and of course, no mall visit is complete without stopping by the new sex shop.”

        I shook my head and giggled, “If you were into girls, I’d say you’re a woman after my own heart. C’mon, the innocent place first and the naughty one last.”