“So have any memories came back up?”

I was sitting in Dr. Robert’s large office. Well his office looked more like a small library. He had bookcases everywhere full of books. Comfy chairs were scattered around, but right now we were sitting near his fireplace, which was lit. He was sitting in his chair, note pad sitting on his knees, brown eyes focused on me. The best description I could think of him was if Denzel Washington had gained some weight and had Morgan Freeman’s voice.

“No.” It was the truth too. After getting away from Ice Eyes I managed to focus and not remember my father.

“What was it that brought up the memories?”

“I don’t know.” As much as I trusted this man, I knew that I couldn’t tell him about Ice Eyes, and all this magic shit. I sure as hell wasn’t gonna tell him about the fact that I was studying those Nordic runes even harder now trying to learn this fucking shit. “I think maybe in that freshman class they had us take a lot of people were talking about how proud their parents were for them going to college. Or that some of them were first generation college students and that their parents were overjoyed. I remember one guy said that he was continuing the tradition of his father and his grandfather by going there.”

“And it made you realize that’s something you won’t have with your own father.”

“I guess. Just, I thought I had gotten past all that.” I know I had gotten past all that. Do you know how easy it is for me to say ‘fuck that guy’ when I’m talking about my father?

“You were young when it happened, and you did grow up without him in your life, but it’s a connection that all young boys wish they had with their fathers.”

That really struck a chord. Do I wish I had a guy there to teach me to drive? Or to shave? To cheer me on in sports? To be there with my mom when I graduated? Yes. But I didn’t want that man to be the one there. Not then, now, or ever.

“It’s not something I want though.”

“You can’t always tell your heart what is that it wants. But it may just be that connection you desire, just not with who your father is.”

“Like I want a dad, just not him being my dad?”

“Exactly.”

“I mean I guess.”

He’s just putting puzzle pieces together that I didn’t know were there. I don’t know how he does it, or where they teach that shit, but Dr. Robert was a fucking master at it. Probably why I made sure to keep in contact with him even after I had gotten over the shit with my father. And once I had managed to get Mom to start talking to him too then she started getting better. No where near where she was before all the shit went down with my father, and I know she’ll never be there again, but better than the train wreck she had become.

“But with how you try and tell yourself that it’s what you don’t want, or need, is why you’ve hardened yourself like you have.”

“I wouldn’t say that. I just know I don’t need him. I have my mom and I have friends too.”

“A mother that you don’t tell everything to and friends that you keep at arm’s length.”

“I don’t tell my mom everything going in my life because I know she can’t handle all that stress on worrying about me. Thanks to that man she’s fragile. One good shock and I would lose her too.”

He should know this. He’s her therapist too. He knows her state of mind. Hell he had to prescribe her shit that basically turns her into a zombie just so she doesn’t worry herself into a stroke or some shit.

“Yet you decided to travel twelve hours away.”

“You thought it was a good idea too though.”

“And it is. For you. But your thoughts of your mother say that it wasn’t a good idea for her.”

Fuck like I don’t know this. It was something I had to wrestle with for weeks before I even left. I swear I was halfway from withdrawing from the semester at least ten times. I still went though. I needed to go. Or to get away. Yeah to get away from it all.

“That I know. It was hard to decide what was best for me and what was best for her. But living here is just suffocating. I see the parks that he use to take me to. I see the old restaurants we would go to as a family. Just everything here has a part of him and I’m sick of it. And then I see my old friends walking around and they want nothing to do with me. It makes me realize how fucking alone I am. I just can’t take it.”

Dr. Robert nodded. If it was to himself or to me, I don’t know. Sometimes it’s impossible to read him. Wish I could be like that. I’m always easy to read. My face shows everything that I’m feeling.

“And that’s why you made the right decision for yourself.”

“I just wish I could find a way to get Mom away from here. That way she can have time to heal without seeing him everywhere.” I wanted her to leave. For us to just get out of New York. I’ve wanted it for years. Ever since my friends had turned on me. When I became alone. Even as a kid I knew why they abandoned me. Cause of my fucking father. It wasn’t fair. Not to me. Not to my mom. To nobody. But Mom never left. She stayed. She delt with all the side glances and whispering in the neighborhood. She delt with the hate messages that showed up. She delt with having to jump from job to job when her employers found out who her ex-husband was. I knew it was from all of that shit that she cracked like she had. I knew that if we could just get out of here then she could recover. But we never left.

“Again though, is that best for her or best for yourself?”

“How would her staying be good for her?”

“How old is your mom now?”

“She’s forty-two now I think. Why?”

I don’t know where he’s going with this. He always would change a subject just for everything to click together. I knew if I just let it happen I’d find out.

“As you get older stability is something you need more. Settling down and growing your roots is much more needed then making major moves and relocating to where you know no one. It’s possible for your age since you’re still growing, forming new attachments, and becoming who you are meant to be.”

“But she lost everything here like I did.”

“Have you talked to her?”

“No.”

“And why is that?”

“Just if my father is even mentioned around her she just shuts down. That or has an anxiety attack. And I’m not gonna be the one to cause that to her.”

Again more nodding. What does it mean? Is he confirming something? Or am I supposed to be confirming something? I know I’m not confirming shit right now.

“Our time is almost up, but I want you to either think on this or answer now.”

Great another homework question. He always leaves me with these.

“Why is it that you approach sex so casually? You only just had sex when you entered college, but you have collected several partners within those few months. Why do you look for what’s good for your body rather than what’s good for your heart? You say that you’re making your decisions that’s based on what’s good for you, but yet do practice something that’s very unsafe.”

“Is it because I’ve been with guys that you call it unsafe?”

I couldn’t help but to glare. The first person I had come out to was him for fucks sake. He took it like he took anything I told him. With a nod and personal question to get me to think. He never treated me different after either. I thought he was cool with it, but maybe not.

“No. You approach sex so casually that you’ve had multiple partners the last few months. Not only can that take an effect on you physically, which I would suggest you go get tested, but on you mentally as well. It has nothing to do with sexuality.”

Okay maybe he’s cool with it.

“I don’t know really. Just I mean a lot of the people I’ve slept with are cool friends and all, but none of them are what I would want in a relationship.”

“You don’t have to sleep with all your friends.”

“Well I don’t. I mean a couple of them were a nice surprise, but I don’t really try and sleep with all my friends.”

“It’s just something to think about Ben.”

And that is how he always would end my sessions. I got up out of my chair, shook his hand, and left. God I could use a drink, but I don’t have a fake ID and Mom never keeps alcohol in the house. I knew I couldn’t do like Dr. Robert suggested and get tested. Mom would freak out. Sometimes the whole never see a doctor thing fucking sucks. Although somehow I’ve always gotten lucky in life and had never had a reason to see a doctor, well besides Dr. Robert, but he’s not like a doctor doctor with all the blood and tests and shit. Although I’m old enough I could go to a doctor myself. I don’t need my mother’s permission to go get tested. Still I never did it.