When Susha Unhuor got up several hours later, he found the dan sitting in the room next door with a cup of tea in his hand. His skin was slightly pale and he looked as if he hadn’t slept at all. In fact, the past few days had been pretty similar. It seemed that this matter with the demon was causing him quite a bit of distress, not letting him rest at all.
Well, it was no wonder. He had the responsibility for all these people but could only ask others for help, needing to rely on their goodwill to solve the situation. It couldn’t be a good feeling.
He walked over and sat down, taking a cup from the tray and pouring himself some tea as well. "There aren’t many things left that we can do. I was wondering what you thought about speaking with the high priest. Since you mentioned that he had been there with you that day, he might have noticed something that could be helpful."
"In any case, making sure of it can’t hurt, can it? I will have Shunche contact the capital to see how we can go about it."
Susha Unhuor nodded and then quietly sipped the tea while giving the dan a glance. Save for the fact that he didn’t look well-rested, his expression was quite a bit better than when he had left the room. He really couldn’t help but wonder what had happened but he didn’t dare to ask.
Anyway, this had nothing to do with him and they didn’t know each other well enough to just ask something out of curiosity. Asking about his private life had already been too daring and he had at least been able to somewhat justify that with what Madam Shaun had said. This though … No, he had no right to question him.
A while later, steps rang out once again and Jusha Lale lightly called out. "Shunche."
The steps accelerated and the guard reached the door in a moment, his hand on the hilt of his sword as if he was worried he might need to draw it.
Susha Unhuor gave him an insipid look. These two guards had been acting quite hostile toward him since the day they had met. Most likely, they had accompanied the dan on his whole journey so they would know what had happened. And apparently, they thought that he could not be trusted around the dan. That did make him wonder even more what had happened previously. Had one of the zhireng tried to attack him? He couldn’t understand why they would do something like this but it was the only guess he could come up with for the moment.
While Susha Unhuor was musing to himself, Jusha Lale turned to Shunche. "The zhireng would like to meet with the high priest. Please make arrangements."
The guard nodded and then left with another look at Susha Unhuor. Considering that Chomong had returned, he felt a little better about leaving but he was still worried. Having two guards with him would definitely be better. But since matters had to be arranged, it couldn’t be changed. After all, the dan’s presence could not be divulged to others just yet.
As for the king himself, he just went back to sipping his tea with a neutral expression as if he hadn’t thought about this at all.
Susha Unhuor accompanied him for a while before looking at the door. "Your other guard …"
"Has returned some time ago."
Susha Unhuor nodded and fell quiet again. He lightly drummed on the table, wondering where exactly that guard was right now.
After a moment, Jusha Lale raised his gaze to him. "If there is something that the zhireng wants to ask, then why don’t you just go ahead? Chomong is currently resting. Just like us, he has a long journey behind him. In fact, with having to guard me on his own, he was probably even worse off than us. Now that we are in the city where we don’t have to fear attacks from anyone save for the demon itself maybe, I told him to take his time to gather his strength. So whatever it is you want to say, you don’t have to worry about being overheard."
Susha Unhuor awkwardly cleared his throat when he realized that he had been seen through. Now, he couldn’t pretend that there was nothing no matter how impolite it was to bring up. He didn’t dare to directly broach the subject though. Instead, he went for already familiar territory. After all, Jusha Lale had shown that he didn’t mind answering questions in that regard. Maybe after discussing that for a while, Jusha Lale would feel more comfortable and not mind the other question as much. Also, he couldn’t pretend like he wasn’t interested in the answer to this one at all.
Susha Unhuor shifted in his seat, trying to think of a good way to start but even when he didn’t ask directly, it still seemed a bit difficult. He regretted more and more that he hadn’t been able to continue the conversation before. In the end, he could only grit his teeth and at least give a small warning. "It is nothing much. It’s just … it is more of a personal question."
"Go ahead. If it is too personal, I will refrain from answering."
Susha Unhuor nodded at that. "Fair enough. It is … I was wondering about what you said before I went to talk with that servant girl. About having feelings for neither men nor women."
Jusha Lale gave him a curious look. "What about that?" He certainly hadn’t expected the zhireng to ask about that. But come to think of it, he had seemed quite interested before. Maybe this wasn’t too strange after all.
Susha Unhuor once again cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably. He really was curious about it. It was just … was that the kind of question you could just ask somebody? Especially a king? But since he had already talked about it … maybe he wouldn’t mind at all. Maybe he was just worrying too much. "I know that this doesn’t concern me at all but I was wondering if that was the truth."
Jusha Lale slightly raised his brows. "Are you accusing me of lying to you?"
"No, no, not at all. It was just … it struck me as a little curious."
The king gave a hum and poured himself another cup of tea. "Well, what can I say? These feelings … they are there or they aren’t. While I do long to have a relationship like I watched my parents have one, the person …" His voice slowly faded and he shook his head. "I do not know. I guess right now might not be a suitable moment to think about it either. I just know that no matter who it was, I’ve never had that desire to get close. You might laugh at me but even after several years as king, even at the age I am at, I have never been with somebody."
Susha Unhuor nodded, once again feeling his heartbeat speed up. This was not what he had expected but he could not help but he was happy to hear it. It made him feel … a bit more normal, probably. "I do believe you. I don’t think that it is anything bad either."
Jusha Lale gave a faint smile at that. "I guess in general, you might be right with that. In the current situation, it is indeed a problem though."
"Can’t you … just appoint somebody else as your heir? I mean just for the time being. If you do end up having a child later on, you could still change it back."
Jusha Lale nodded. "I think that is what I will end up doing. To be honest, I don’t see me having a child anytime soon. Or … ever maybe."
Susha Unhuor nodded. To be honest, he would’ve liked to ask a little further but he was afraid that this would really be going too far. After all, asking him who he was attracted to or not was one thing. But a child … wouldn’t he indirectly be asking him what was going on in his bedroom? That seemed a little wrong.
Although … it did make him think of something that he still had a bit of trouble understanding. "To be honest, the reason why I was originally wondering was because of what happened in the Sundang temple. If you do not care about men at all, why …" He stopped speaking and just gave him a slightly embarrassed look. He really didn’t cope too well with this. Fighting demons seemed easier in comparison.
Jusha Lale looked at him, his gaze slipping over Susha Unhuor’s face. There wasn’t much of an expression he showed. "Didn’t I already explain this? I guess you might not believe me but it was not because of you. It was merely because there was nothing else to give you." He slightly raised his brows as if he had suddenly thought of something. "I am not trying to say that you are lacking in any way. It is certainly on me that I felt that way."
Susha Unhuor originally hadn’t been thinking about that at all but when Jusha Lale especially pointed out that it wasn’t because of his appearance, he couldn’t help but feel a little self-conscious. Was it that he was ugly? So far, he had never really thought about this and he felt that if he had wanted to, he could have had several more partners before. In any case, there had been a fair share of both women and men showing interest in him. He shouldn’t be …
He shook his head at himself, somewhat annoyed that he was even pondering that. What did it matter? He wasn’t looking for that kind of thing and he had wanted to know something completely different. "Still. Why even come up with such an idea in the first place?"
Jusha Lale’s expression immediately turned colder when he asked that question. After a heartbeat, he spoke up but not to answer. "Anyway, I’m quite curious about you. As a zhireng, it must be difficult to find a partner. This kind of life where your life is constantly fraught with danger must be difficult to accept for anyone. Or is it that as a zhireng, you would try to be with another zhireng? Are you more interested in women? Are there even any female zhireng?"
Susha Unhuor smiled wryly. It was pretty obvious that the king was trying to change the subject. Well, he couldn’t fault him for that. "There are indeed female zhireng. But as I said in the Sundang temple, I am not interested in women, nor am I interested in men. I guess I am very much like the dan in that aspect. That is what originally had me curious after all."
Jusha Lale nodded slowly. "Then for your future … have you thought about what to do? As the king, there are some things I have to take into consideration. As a zhireng, what about you?"
Susha Unhuor sighed at that and poured himself another cup of tea as well. "To be honest, I’m as much at a loss as you are. People probably expect me to take a wife and have some children but there is no desire to do so.
"I think that I would like to settle down one day though. Living as a zhireng is not quite what I wish for. I would much rather have a place I could call home. I don’t need any excitement. To have somebody at my side who understands me, somebody that I can talk to …" He fell quiet and then gave a low hum before looking back up at the king. "Being some years older than you, I can tell you that these feelings won’t suddenly start appearing. I gave it a try in the past — both with women and with men — in the hope that somehow, I would manage to meet the expectations that were put on me.
"I guess … it is not that the act itself that is not enjoyable. But looking at a person, I usually can’t bring myself to feel anything specific about them. Beauty doesn’t matter either. I just … I don’t know. It’s just not something I think about I guess."
This time, it seemed that he had the dan’s interest. "Have you regretted it? Giving it a try, I mean."
"Well, I guess I would not be missing much if I hadn’t but I do not actively regret it. I just think that it was worth giving it a try just to see that it didn’t change anything. You see, when I am in the mood, whether I take care of it myself or am with another person, it is both alright with me. In fact, I think I prefer just doing it on my own. It gets the job done and I don’t feel like I have taken advantage of somebody.
"When there is somebody else involved …" He pondered for a moment how to say this but still had a hard time coming up with how to put it. "I don’t know how to say this. I guess it’s that sharing my bed with somebody feels quite intimate and even if I enjoy the act itself, I know that it has less to do with the person in question but more with myself and my own body. It feels kind of dishonest."
Jusha Lale slowly nodded. "I think I understand what you mean."
"Well, it could be that I’m thinking too much. But it does feel like there are some expectations attached to it that I can’t meet. Having a long-term relationship with another person that can’t understand how I feel … I can’t see myself in that.
"In the end, I think that trying this out helped me find myself though. It was also one of the things that contributed to my decision to finally go to the Sundang temple. I needed some time for myself to gather my thoughts. Traveling around, fighting against demons, putting up with all the things that people expect of you … It is not always easy to do. I couldn’t have gone on without some solitude to find to myself."
Jusha Lale nodded again, his expression once again pensive. His lips opened but then he seemed to hesitate, finally just taking another sip of the tea. The words he had wanted to say were as if downed with the liquid.
Susha Unhuor gave a faint smile. "Whatever it is, you can say it. Anyway, it is just the two of us here right now. And who knows? After I go and fight against the demon, I might not even come back if things turn out badly. Then whatever it is, nobody other than you will know about it. And even if I do come back … I’m not one to poke my nose into other people’s business more than necessary. What you do not want others to know about, they will not find out from me."
Jusha Lale closed his eyes and then sighed. He did not want to say it but, on the other hand, when was he supposed to talk about it? He would not dare to do so in front of somebody he would see regularly in the future. But with Susha Unhuor …
He didn’t think that this man wouldn’t come back. After all, since the day they had met in the Sundang temple, he had always seemed calm and collected and went about things in an organized manner. If there was somebody that could defeat this demon, then it was him. But even if he returned, after the demon was vanquished, wouldn’t he leave En and return to his old life? In that case, he might as well tell him. Maybe it would help to speak about it once. He would only know if he tried.
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