Later that evening, I sat in front of my computer at my desk, scrolling through digital course pamphlets for local universities. Playing a sport meant a lot to me but it wasn’t my only option. My best subject in school was Biology, and I’d had an interest in animals since I was young.

Sighing, I glanced around my room in the hope it would strike inspiration. Everything from the maps tacked to the wall, the glass animal figurines lining my bookshelf, the zoo and aquarium annual membership card in my desk draw to the edition of Vogue stashed under my bed that had been the first thing I’d ever bought with my allowance and never told anyone about, was all a part of me. How could I possibly cram every morsel of my being into one vocation for the rest of my life when there was so much to explore?

My best attempt were the two tabs that sat open before me now: one for a veterinarian course and the other for marine biology.

This was the part of me people at school wouldn’t understand. My teachers wanted me to choose a specialty by the end of the year. My parents wanted me to go to university. Scott and Trent had been pushing me into the position of Captain since the year we all decided we’d join the team together, which had somehow caused a ripple effect on my standards of popularity. My team wanted me to lead them to victory against Ridgemount for our final season. Anyone else at school wanted me as a prop for their own status.

There was only one person who didn’t want something from me that I didn’t already want back. But the thought of having anything in common with him sickened me to no end.

My thoughts had spiralled so far that I didn’t realise I’d been staring at the wall until a pair of fingers snapped before my face. Jerking back, I looked up with a startled gaze to find Drew standing over me.
            “You okay, man?” he asked, “I’ve been knocking on your door for the past five minutes.”

I shook my head. “Sorry, I was lost in thought.”

“That’s an understatement.” Drew wandered around my room, eyes trailing over every crevice. He chuckled lightly as he brushed a finger over one of the figurines. “You haven’t changed a bit. I think it’s possible they’ve even expanded.”

“I like my room this way.”

“I can tell.”

Drew came full-circle around the room, stopping to perch on the edge of my desk. “How are you?”

I frowned. “What?”

“We didn’t get to talk much at lunch today. How are things?”

“I told you this morning.”

“You told me about soccer. I meant, how are you? It’s been ages since we talked properly.”

I laughed. “What do you want me to say? I’m fine. I’m great. I’m doing well in life?”

Drew nudged me playfully. “Don’t be an ass. I’m trying to do the whole big-brother-mentor thing here and you’re ruining it.”

“It was ruined the moment you started.”

“Alright, smartass. Are you going to answer my question?”

“Oh, you mean the one where you get all therapeutic on me?”

My brother shook his head. “I guess it’s a little strange but…I miss living here, you know? Seeing you guys, watching footy with Dad, listening to Mum sing, giving you advice-”

“You’ve never given me advice!”

“Not from lack of trying! You just didn’t want to listen!”

“So, you don’t remember the time you made me walk across wet concrete on a thirty-four degree day because you told me I’d get rock powers?”

“I don’t think I-”

“And then you had to explain to Mum why I was stuck in the middle of the street because the concrete had hardened around my shoes?”

“That’s not what-”

“And when Mum and Dad finally did find out where I was, Dad had to use a ladder to pull me out because the whole block was being re-paved?”

“Okay, I admit it.” Drew held his hands up in defeat, laughing. “I don’t always give the best advice, especially when I could make you the punchline, but you’ve got to give me some credit. You were young and annoying when you were little, always talking me into things even though I’m supposed to be the wise one.”

I leaned back in my chair. “You were never the wise one.”

“No,” Drew shook his head. “I don’t suppose I was. I left you alone in the backyard for five minutes after all.”

I groaned loudly, hanging my head back. “This again. It was one time!”

“You let a live lizard into the house and then you lost it!”

“I found it though!”

“Yeah, three weeks later, when its carcass showed up in my closet.”

I grinned, gazing up in wonder. “I’ll never forget how loud you screamed.”

“Shove off.” Drew pushed my knee so I nearly fell off the chair, laughing. “You try getting dressed and nearly stepping on a lizard skeleton!”

“Sounds like the plot for the next Jurassic Park, if I’m being honest.”

Drew smiled softly. “I miss you, yeah? The city and work is great but we don’t see each other as much as we used to. I can’t just get over fifteen years of memories because of a new apartment and some fancy office.”

I returned the smile because I knew exactly how he felt. Memories of a twelve-year old Drew and eight-year old me hiding under the sheets in our shared bedroom with a flashlight, reading books and telling ghost stories or racing each other in Mario Kart on our DS’ with the sound off.

It was a long time ago but I was still fond of the memory. With my brother living out of state, I was lucky to see him more than four times per year. His leaving had been a harsh slap to the face when I’d realised my partner-in-crime for the past decade wouldn’t be around anymore.

I decided to play it cool. “You mean fifteen years of you spraying me with water guns or nerf guns and pushing me down the stairs? Yeah, I really miss that.”

Drew punched my arm lightly. “Hey! It was one time, and it was an accident! You were standing too close to the railings. Besides, you told on me every chance you got even when it was your idea! I figured you could use a little payback.”

I laughed freely. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was just being your little kid brother.”

“My little kid brother who overfilled the bath and flooded the upstairs hallway, or my little kid brother who broke Mum’s favourite vase and blamed it on me?”

I snorted. Of all the things Drew and I got up to as kids, I definitely took the cake for most annoying sibling.

“But I guess with me out of the picture, you’ve got Anderson to provoke, huh?”

My laughter died immediately. I sat up in my chair. “What?”

Drew was still wearing his boyish grin but his tone was more serious. “You two have had it out for each other since you were kids. He’s the one that gave you the black eye, right?”

“That was the first time. And I usually do more damage to him on the field!”

Drew shook his head. “It’s not the same, Con. You’re not like this with anyone else at school. What’s so special about antagonizing a Ridgemount kid?”

“I think you just answered your own question.”

“C’mon. Surely you can see where this is going?”

I cocked my head. “And where exactly would that be?”

Drew sighed, and I could feel the big brother sagacity rolling off him now. “What’s the plan, bro? You two are just going to fight it out on the field during the Championship, or is this going to get worse in the meantime? He gave you a black eye and you weren’t even in a game.”

“I told you. That was the first time and I-”

“Got him back for it, I know. But, Con,” Drew inhaled, “what if it’s not a one-time thing? Who’s to say you’re not going to have more issues before then?”

“We’ve never been like this.” I argued.

“That’s exactly my point. You’ve gone from seeing him only a few times a year for games to, what, physical brawls in a public parking lot?”

Well, that’s not how things had started, but Drew didn’t need to know that.

“It’s not going to be a problem.” I stated.

“I hope not.” Drew smiled gently. “I get it, okay? I had a few guys I knocked heads with in high school and we fought it out more than once. But violence doesn’t solve anything. Whatever this guy is holding over you-”

“Who says he’s holding anything over me?”

“-is not worth wasting your energy on. Whether you go to university next year or not, a petty high school rivalry is not something worth holding a grudge over for the rest of your life.”

Drew wasn’t wrong, but he also didn’t know how close he was to the truth either. Dakota and my rivalry was physical in public but we were so far beyond ourselves behind closed doors that soccer wasn’t the thing on my mind for next year.

Gay men were all around. It wouldn’t be hard for me to find a hookup if I wanted one and the idea of being exclusively casual with Dakota was laughable, but that didn’t mean there wouldn’t be some kind of loss when we finished school at the end of the year.

Dakota and I had been routine for years. We played soccer, antagonised one another to no end, then all that hostility would be worked out in bed together before the routine started again.

There was something my Literature teacher had said last year that reminded me of Dakota and myself. A concept derived from mythology that filtered into our Ancient Greek texts. Ouroboros. A snake eating its own tail. An endless cycle, but wouldn’t stop to save itself.

That was Dakota and I. We were destructive and explosive, but couldn’t let go to save ourselves.

If asked, I couldn’t explain why I felt this way. The sex was amazing but that wasn’t exclusive to Dakota. Plenty of people were good at sex. This was something different. Something so forbidden that the thrill came from touching it just once and never wanting to let go. As if tempting the last drop of wine to a deprived alcoholic.

Surely it couldn’t be the opposition that I found so enticing, so why couldn’t I just make peace with the thought of letting go?

With all the smoothness of a piece of sandpaper, I changed the subject. “What about you?” I asked. “How’s Alexis and Myla?”

Alexis was Drew’s stunning girlfriend of three years whilst Myla was their two-year old black Labrador the couple had rescued last year and absolutely adored.

“Alexis is loving her new job at the marketing firm, and Myla’s just as painfully loveable as ever. I swear that dog sleeps in our bed more than I do.” Drew ran a hand over his face. “Lexi would kill me if I made her sleep outside.”

"That's the beauty of relationships. The kids come first." I teased.

With a hopeless laugh, Drew gazed once again around my room before turning back to me. "So, what about you? Any boyfriends? Haven't heard of you being in a relationship for a while now."

After he’d posed the question, I realised Drew had been looking around for any photos I might’ve had of my current partner.

Smirking lightly, I shook my head. "You know it's not really my thing."

"Right," my brother drawled. "Just casual hook-ups. I forgot."

I threw a pillow at him. "It's not like that! It's just…relationships take…”

"Effort?"

"Dedication."

Drew cocked his head at me. "And that's problem?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed. "I don't have time for someone else's feelings every second of the day. I need to focus on soccer and championships."

Drew stood from my desk. "Connor," he said, and I inwardly groaned at the return of his big brother tone. "I think it's great you're focusing on your life right now, but people's feelings, no matter if they're a partner, friend or stranger, matter all the time. Are you sure it's dedication you're after?"

"What does that mean?"

Drew shrugged, "I mean, are you sure you're not just scared of being in a relationship?"

My brain struggled to find words for two whole minutes. "What? No! It's not like that. I just don't have to be in a relationship to be happy, you know? Like, I don't get that satisfaction just because someone looks at me like I'm their late-night fantasy."

Drew watched me knowingly. "I know you, Con. You can swear up and down that you don’t want a relationship and that’s fine, but I’ve seen you around people you care about. Your love runs deep and unfiltered. I think maybe you care for people so much that you squash it down so it doesn’t get trampled on.”

“You’re wrong.” I said, but I could taste the lie like ash.

Drew smiled, ruffling my hair before he headed for the door. "I'm always here if you want to talk. You know that. Remember, just because you might be someone's 'late night fantasy,' it doesn't mean they're not yours either."

He opened my bedroom door and slipped out before I could say anything more.