Somehow I cannot find it inside

To express anything beyond these lines

I cannot-

and will not-

admit that I see no color,

That I feel as though trying to row upstream,

yet I have nothing but me. 

How can I feel this pain,

How is it the only indicator that I'm alive at all?

How can I put on a smile, hold back tears, when all I want to do is die?

Although you see no tears,

And I seem to have no fears,

Please understand that I'm not just sad.

I'm drowning while watching you breathe.