Loneliness and sighs

Is this the wisdom's price?

Like a bird in a cage

Shouldn't I be on stage?

I felt being held back

I can only blame my bad luck

Under this willow tree

Only here I am free.

Yin Wenyan's lips form a slight smile after rereading the poem for who knows how many times already. He himself has lost count on it.

This is the first poem that he got to record in a book. This poem was composed by the sixteen-year-old Xu Zhengming when he was still studying in the imperial academy.

At that time, the long-lost royal siblings just got returned to the imperial palace. As early as then, Yin Wenyan already threw away his identity and became his twin brother's double. That's the will of the Grand Empress Dowager and they cannot possibly contradict it. They simply don't have the power yet

His life at that time isn't too different from the present. He must not be seen if his brother is around so most of the time he spent his day inside the Lotus Hall alone. He can only get his freedom by night-time or when Yin Renshu asked him to do stuff for him outside. Yin Wenyan of course happily did so.

He knows his brother very well. Though it doesn't seem like it, he doesn't want Yin Wenyan to feel isolated. And so, Yin Renshu often ordered Yin Wenyan to do what he was supposed to do himself.

One evening, when his brother is already having his good night's sleep, Yin Wenyan decided to have a stroll around the palace to have some fresh air.

Though it's nighttime, Yin Wenyan wore a conical hat with a piece of thin black veil hanging on its ends which matches his long ink-black robes. Just to make sure no one will recognize him if ever someone sees him around.

With every step he took, the silk fluttered. His face was hardly illuminated by the full moon.

His feet brought him into the imperial garden. He found himself passing near an old willow tree by the lake. The wind blows and he heard the words whispered in the thin air.

And this is how destiny has woven their fates together.

He couldn't remember what exactly was being said but the thought is that the person speaking had his heart broken. He wonders why the lady he likes doesn't like him back despite being so good-looking. And that, the lady who rejected him will one day be regretful for turning someone like him down... or something like that.

It was Xu Zhengming's voice. The young man was sitting on a bulging root of the willow tree. He was leaning on the thick and hard trunk as he expressed his poem made out of pain.

Yin Wenyan puffed a laugh. He never had the intention to make fun of other people's pain but he just can't help it. This young man is so dramatic. His words were too emotional.

He thought, "I have never seen a man comfort and at the same time, compliments himself."

Then, Yin Wenyan dives deeper into his mind the longer he thought about it.

"Is it really okay for a man to feel emotional pain? Am I allowed to be sad as well? Can I act weak when I am by myself? Is it fine for me to feel pained as well? Should I... should I give myself words of encouragement?"

Since his earliest memories, Yin Wenyan had been acting as the oldest of the triplets. They grew up without the love and care from their late parents and so, he felt that he got the responsibility to take care of his siblings. He believed that he should not show fear or weakness in front of them. His shoulders are the places where both Yin Renshu and Yin Xiulan lean their heads on. And he's also the one who always gets in the middle every single time they got into a fight.

He never thought that he had the right to complain, to be angry, nor to get sad about the kind of life they were living. He was always contented. Silently accepting what the future brings.

"Wha... What's so funny?" If only it's daytime, Yin Wenyan would most probably have seen a blushing Xu Zhengming. He was both angry and embarrassed. He could feel his cheek getting warmer.

First of all, he believed that he was the only one in the area and sprouted nonsense. Second, this man laughed at his thoughts.

"Nothing. I just find you amusing." Yin Wenyan slowly walks nearer to him. His face wearing his signature smile, as gentle as ever.

Though Xu Zhengming's mind convinced him that this stranger isn't someone to avoid, his embarrassment from earlier hinders him to be friendly. He spat, "Who are you anyway? I haven't seen you around here before."

Yin Wenyan thought about it for a while. Should he tell him? But it's not really practical to reveal his identity to a complete stranger. "My name isn't worth knowing."

Yin Wenyan fixed the black silk on his hat so that his face will be concealed. The silk is thin but Xu Zhengming could only see minimal details of his face.

"Fine." Xu Zhengming didn't push him further.

"Can I have a word with you?" Yin Wenyan's voice was gentle. Before Xu Zhengming could answer, Yin Wenyan already made his way to sit beside him.

"About what?" Xu Zhengming asked.

"Anything." Yin Wenyan offhandedly said but he means that very word. He felt that he spent so much time being alone. Talking to a stranger would probably add a color or two to his monochromic daily routine.

"Fine. I don't have anyone to talk to anyway." Xu Zhengming responded.

Yin Wenyan and Xu Zhengming, later on, became friends. Even though Mingming doesn't know him thoroughly, for some unknown reasons, he doesn't mind it. Before they knew it, the two of them looked forward to looking at each other every night.

Xu Zhengming complained while Yin Wenyan willingly listened. Mingming loves literature and Yin Wenyan wrote every character of every word in every poem that the young man made.

To Xu Zhengming, freedom is only attainable at night. To Yin Wenyan, every night felt like it's the time to meet a long-lost friend.

But the time they stopped seeing each other came.

'It is now getting late

But still, for you, I wait

The snow starts to fall

I'm shivering as I call

You lift me with your left hand

But with your right, you let me land

I only have these memories to keep

And can only hope to see you in my sleep.'

Yin Wenyan sighs as he traces the written characters that he wrote himself. After a hundred-some page of Xu Zhengming's original compositions, the last entry wasn't made by the same author.

Yin Wenyan composed this poem himself in response to the latest poem that Xu Zhengming made before they parted.

Yin Wenyan shakes his head. "This is wrong."

He thought he got rid of these unnecessary feelings he has in his heart. It turns out, it was only hidden deep within his core.

He closes the book and keeps it back in the cabinet. He made sure that the book lies at the lowest level of a pile of books, making it attract lesser attention. He then headed to the hall's bed where Xu Zhengming is sleeping soundly. He feels his temperature by putting his hand on his headache. His fever is finally gone.

Yin Wenyan pulled out the needles erected at Xu Xhengming's body and put them above the nightstand.

It will be dawn in just a couple of hours from now. He can't sleep. For some reason, his heart will suddenly skip a beat out of nowhere. It would take him time to calm himself down.

He looks at Xu Zhengming again, and his composure like calm waters is once more became troubled. The composure he builds up tumbled down. He felt pain in his chest. He knows this feeling is wrong. He knows he can't pray for more. He can't hope for more. This man doesn't even know his real identity. Being near him is more than enough. Seeing him again is already a wish come true. He won't ask for more.

Subconsciously, his hand moves on its own. Wanting to caress this man's delicate face. It's only a few millimeters apart when he stopped. Yin Wenyan smiled bitterly as he withdraws his hand slowly.

He finally decided to lay in the bed, but still left space between him and the little eunuch. He needs to stop this wishful thinking and go to sleep. His dreams are always better than his reality after all.