Brother…

Again.

The voice that tormented my nights.

You would think that nighttime would be a time when you're allowed to recover from the stresses of everyday life. And I'm pretty sure that usually holds true. But unfortunately, I've been told, the definition of normality lies in the eye of the beholder.

I didn't budge.

Brother.

A change of strategy was called for. The enemy saw through my deception.

Bend left arm. Put right arm over the belly. Bring legs into starting position. Then – with a quick, yet decisive movement – rotate the body by 90 degrees.

Done!

My left arm was positioned under my head, my right leg firmly over my left, and my entire body stabilized again.

»BROTHER!«

Or so I thought. Until someone screamed at me, an inch away from my ear, while violently shaking my entire body.

»Ahhhh, Mia. Why do you always have to wake me up like that?«

I tried to pull the blanket over my head, but before I succeeded, it was vigorously torn away from me.

»I tried! You didn't wake up!«

shake shake

»And because of that, you have to dislocate my shoulder? And… hey! Can you stop pulling on my arm? I'm already awake.«

Somewhat reluctantly, I opened my eyes and sat up, causing my sister to let go of me as well.

Immediately, the morning sun blinded me, shining directly into my face from the window on the other side of the room. Annoyed, I rubbed my eyes.

»I'm telling you, it's either my bed that needs to move or it's this window.«

»Move to where? There's no room here. Why don't you just lie down the other way?«

She was right. I did say on the other side of the room, but the wall on the other side basically started where my bed ended.

»I already told you, my nightstand won't fit on the other side. Besides, there's no outlet there for the…«

My words stuck in my throat.

Because when I finally lifted my head and looked up, I did see my sister's face, but not the typical stubborn expression that she always put on during the morning wake-up ritual.

»Mia, what's wrong? Why are you crying?« I asked hurriedly.

»Why am I crying? Why are YOU crying?!«

Her voice shook with panic and anger.

»Why am I… What are you talking ab–«

It was at that moment that I noticed. My fingers, which had been rubbing my eyes just a second before, were moist. And indeed, my face felt a little sticky, which, in my daze after waking up, I hadn't realized immediately.

»I called you multiple times, but you didn't wake up. Also, your face was tense and you were crying. You looked like you were in pain!«

After staring at Mia for a few seconds, I briskly wiped the remaining tears from my face. The next thing I noticed was that my back was drenched in sweat.

I was pretty shocked myself at what was happening to me, especially since I couldn't remember the last time I cried.

Okay, that was a lie. Nonetheless, It was quite a big shock.

But before that...

»No wonder. You'd cry too if you woke up like that every morning,« I said with a sarcastic grin on my face.

»I… You! I'm not kidding around here!« my sister retorted angrily.

»I only came after I heard you yelling something. And then I saw that you were crying. And you kept uttering some kind of words. I've never seen you like this before! What happened?«

'I was talking in my sleep, screaming, even? Okay, that's creepy.'

»Calm down Mia. Probably just a... nightmare?« I replied but realized that it sounded pretty absurd, considering my age.

I made a mental note to ask her again at a later time what exactly I had said. But looking at my upset sister, now was not the right moment to do so.

»What time is it, anyway? If you woke me up too early again…« I deflected and looked at the clock hanging on the opposite wall just inches from the window.

7:56 a.m.

»Four minutes of life – stolen.«, I muttered as I stood up.

»Now, would you excuse me? Or would my beloved sister like to watch me change?«

Mia squinted her eyes and looked at me with her arms crossed, not moving.

For a few, uncomfortable seconds we just stared at each other. Then I gave in and avoided her gaze.

»I really don't know what was going on. You know how it is with dreams. You forget them as soon as you wake up.«

»…«

»Haaaaa…«

Then she closed her eyes and let out a long sigh before turning around and walking out of the room.

But before she closed the door behind her, she asked as usual, »Three eggs, ham?«

»You're the best.« I replied with a grin.

And with a quiet »Yeah yeah, I know,« she disappeared from the room.

And with her, the forced smile on my face.

I sat back down on my bed and grabbed my head.

'What was that?'

I wasn't lying when I said I couldn't remember what I was dreaming. But an uncomfortable feeling came over me the longer I was awake. And the longer I thought about it, the more I imagined I really heard a voice.

'Or was that Mia.'

I shook my head. There was no point in thinking about it any further – although it left a bad aftertaste.

With a light sigh, I stood up and turned to the small table that stood against the wall next to the bed.

Since there was no space in the small room for a closet – not that we could have afforded another one – the table served as a makeshift shelf for my clothes.

I fished a fresh pair of socks and a pair of underpants out of the Leaning Tower of Pisa and quickly changed.

I wanted to take a shower since it looked like I sweated a lot during the night, but in the morning the water was always ice cold. Besides, showering twice a day would be too much of a drain on the wallet. Since, as usual, I had already showered the night before, so I wouldn't have to go to bed dirty, I decided against it.

With the second sigh of the day, I turned to the mirror hanging on the door 2 steps away from the bed and looked at the person in front of me.

There stood a young man, ordinary in every way. About 6 feet tall, brown eyes with dark brown, unevenly cut hair – my sister said it wasn't her fault but my hair's – that hung slightly over them. A black t-shirt that I've been wearing for 3 days now and an old pair of outdoor slash cargo pants that were tear-resistant and easy to move around in.

Aside from a necklace with a pendant, that optimists would describe as bizarre at best, and my work-influenced, slightly beefier physique, there was nothing special about me.

My mother constantly stressed that I inherited my good looks from my grandfather and that I should be proud of it but since my sister told me at least as often that I looked like a cross between a frog and a donut, it was hard for me to be optimistic.

The ideals of beauty have indeed changed significantly since the beginning of the war, but I didn't know if »you look like your grandpa« counted.

I suppressed the third sigh of the day and walked out of my room.

Immediately the spicy aroma of freshly brewed coffee rose to my nose. Two plates with cutlery were already on the round kitchen table. On one plate were three fried eggs with two slices of sautéed ham and on the other one egg with a slice of bread. There was also a container of butter and a jar of strawberry jam placed on the table.

I sat down in front of the three eggs while Mia placed a pot of coffee and a carton of high-fat milk on the table before sitting down across from me.

»Thank you,« I said, and without another word, we started eating.

I filled my cup to a quarter with coffee while filling Mia's cup entirely with the dark brown liquid. Then I filled the rest of my cup with high-fat milk.

As I was about to take a sip, I noticed someone staring at me.

»What, you know how I like my coffee. Or did you want some milk in yours, too?«

Mia rolled her eyes.

»It's not that. Hmm…«

She thought for a moment. Then she looked at me with an expression that said she had found the cure for cancer.

»Say, why don't we switch rooms?«

'This again...'

I took a sip of my light-brown beverage. Then I put the cup down and looked my sister in the eye.

»Mia, how many times are we going to have this conversation? I told you I liked my room.«

»You were complaining earlier that the sun was blinding in the morning and that you'd rather sleep somewhere else.«

»No, I was saying that either my bed needs to move or that window. I didn't mean I wanted to leave this room,« I countered, to which Mia rolled her eyes.

»Why are you always so stubborn? I really wouldn't mind sleeping in that room! At least let me do that much for y–«

»Mia. That's enough,« I said in a slightly lower voice.

I knew she meant well. And even though it wasn't the first time I had this discussion with her, I was still grateful that she was thinking of me. But as the older sibling, I had a responsibility. She already had to do without so much. So many things that others her age had, I couldn't give her. Our parents would never forgive me if I let her sleep in a storage closet on top of that.

»Besides, it would feel like I was losing to the window. And I can't let that happen.«

I smiled at her.

»...«

Judging by the cold look on my sister's face, she didn't find the whole thing funny one bit.

»How's school going?« I evaded as I stuffed a fried egg and a slice of ham into my mouth.

»Pretty good,« she replied tersely.

Lie.

»Do you get along with your classmates?«

»Yeah, like always.«

Lie.

»If anything comes up, you talk to me, okay?«

»I will.«

Lie.

I lifted my head briefly and our eyes met for a second. Then she avoided my gaze and started buttering her bread. I did the same and went back to eating.

Even though she didn't want to let on… Mia was teased by her classmates. For always wearing the same clothes. For having very good grades. For the fact that the nerdy girl with the old clothes was still pretty enough to attract the eyes of all the boys in the class, even when she had no interest in such things.

They didn't know how hard she studied at home for those grades. How much work she put in to graduate. How much she did to not let me down.

I wish I could have told her that she didn't have to worry about me like that. That it would be okay if she was a kid once in a while. That she could cry for herself if she felt like it and ask for help.

But I couldn't. It wouldn't be right. I would be trampling on her determination. Besides, she certainly didn't want to hear something like that coming out of my mouth.

Since our parents died 6 years ago, we were on our own. She was 11 years old at that time. She had to learn agonizingly early on about the consequences that decisions in life can have. It didn't break her, but hardened her – and that was a good thing. In this world, it was easier to live life if you were tough.

If her will was strong enough, she would make it, even without my help. All I had to do was not be an obstacle to her.

I watched for a moment as Mia nibbled on her egg sandwich before slowly extending my arm.

»…«

For a few seconds, she looked at me in surprise. Then she jerked away from the hand that was gently stroking her head.

»Wh–what are you doing?!« she asked in a panic as she turned her flushed face away from me.

I didn't answer and instead stuffed the last piece of egg into my mouth and drank the rest of my coffee.

Then I stood up with my cup and started clearing the table.

»You can go… I'll do the rest,« my sister said in a quiet voice.

She was still embarrassed. How cute.

I put the cup in the sink.

»I'm proud of you.«

»W–what's wrong with you today? Don't you have to go? You're going to be late for… work. Don't forget your lunch.«

She still didn't look at me and tried to hide her face behind her hands, but I could still see the corners of her mouth curl up.

For a few seconds, I looked at her happily.

Then my smile disappeared and a determined expression took its place.

Right. Work was calling. It wasn't going to be easy today either, it never was. But no matter how hard it might be… I will protect her smile.

Whatever it takes.