Confusion

Drying her hair after a late-night bath, Hayley was sitting on her bed. Her head was a mixture of inconsistent thoughts, all of them drawn to Alex. To hell with Mia and her shenanigans. Hayley sighed, putting aside the towel on the bed. If Mia hadn’t been seeding them on Hayley, right now she wouldn’t… Hayley closed her eyes. It was of no use and her anger was a misplacement of the frustration she felt with herself.

Maybe I’m attracted to Alex, she admitted with difficulty, but that doesn’t mean anything in particular. If I think this rationally, Alex was, or better, she is someone attractive and we’ve been together for a while now. Besides I’m not blind, of course I would feel that, but that doesn’t mean anything. We’re friends. Good friends.

“And do you normally feel that amount of attraction to your friends?” she heard herself saying.

Hayley bit her lips strongly. She knew the answer. But that answer would lead nowhere. Maybe she was seeing that on the wrong perspective. Ok, maybe is something more than attraction. Let’s say I have a tiny crush on Alex. It still amounts to nothing. I’m not about to verse her in poems or singing love songs about us. Which means that even If I do have a crush, this means nothing else. It is what it is and just that.

Content with her answer, Hayley finally lied down on her bed, covering her body with a blanket. The temperature had dropped and the air inside was cool and calm. The window was hammered with drops of rain that started pouring outside. The rhythm of the drops against the glass pane was a lullaby to her ears and Hayley felt comfortable there; she wanted to open the window and feel the gust of wind from the outside, but with the air howling so fiercely, if she were to do that, she’d probably just wet her own floor. It was a pity, though. She didn’t like cold weather, and the constant rain was a letdown of the autumn. But if there was an only moment she could enjoy it, it’d be like that, covered with a blanket while comfortably tucked in on her bed.

Her mind wandered again to Alex, and this time she didn’t fight back; after having a clear answer, Hayley felt at ease. But that passiveness was short felt. She opened her eyes immediately. Up until now, she only considered her own feelings on the matter, but she needed to weight down how Alex would feel about all that. Besides, she didn’t even know if Alex was attracted to girls or not. If she wasn’t, then… Somehow that possibility made her heart sink.

Hayley shook her head. Calm down, you still don’t know the answer. I just need to ask her. But asking that directly to someone could be a bit offensive, especially since Alex is a private person. The best way would be asking from a close friend of Alex about it, but does she even have someone like that? Thinking about it, since I met her, I never saw her speaking with anyone else in the college. Hayley tossed around in the blanket. Dammit, how little do I know about her? Besides games and having a family, I barely know anything… She sighed. Well, if I can’t ask directly, maybe another way would be better?

Hayley stared the ceiling pensively, when an idea sprang up in her head. She remembered a game she’d play when she was just a high schooler. A silly game really, which girls would play to talk about who they liked and who they didn’t. It was called “kill, marry, kiss”. Girls would then put the likeness according to who they preferred, “kill” being least and “marry” the most liked person. It also served to easily spread gossip and make a new couple, as well as to mine down the soft advances of another person. So obviously, the popular kids thrived on it whilst the less popular would be mocked at the “kill” part. It could be either innocent or a mean game, and as such, Hayley was never much interested in them, but she would play with her friends when they asked her to.

She finally decided to use the game and make some slight changes to get her answer. She wasn’t interested in spreading any rumors or even mock Alex at it, but she could use it to guess the girl’s sexuality. For that, the three possible answers the game offered was perfect – if she were to pit an attractive boy and a girl against each other, she could get a rough conclusion of what Alex was into. But she needed more conclusive data, as a scientist, she knew the key for a successful experiment was to get the clearest information she could. Firstly, the third person needed to be someone who had a bad personality, that could be easily disliked; then the remaining option would be between the two most attractive people – a guy or a girl – she could find.

After spending a few hours on the internet, she finally decided who they were going to be. For the bad personality Hayley chose Brie Larson – the actress was famous for being in the center of a lot of negativity, which made her a perfect candidate. Then for an attractive guy with good personality, she chose Jake Gyllenhaal, especially since he was very privative about his personal life, which could fit with Alex. Finally, her third option for a girl with good looks and charisma was the Korean Idol Rosè, since she was praised by these same qualities in many interviews.

Biting at the tip of her left-hand thumb, Hayley decided to send Alex a message, though the clock on her cellphone pointed it was too late to anyone to be awake at that hour. Maybe I should wait for a better time? But her answer was obvious – the tingling in her stomach and the expectation of Alex’s answer wouldn’t let her sleep. She needed to know. Besides, she might even be awake… Convincing herself of the plan, Hayley sent the message.

***

Alex was reading Hayley’s message for the sixth time. She knew she should answer by now, but her mind was blank. The whole night-, rather, the past few days she wanted any reason to talk with Hayley; only prudence and experience stopped her of making the same mistakes again. But she couldn’t help herself of the strange warm feeling that rushed in her chest that moment – a mixture of relief and something else she couldn’t name.

Even though, she tried to distance herself from Hayley, she was glad the girl wasn’t mad at her, for some reason, the thought of disappointing her was enough to hurt Alex. At some point, she didn’t know when – maybe when she first saw the girl tearing up, but still fiercely trying to fight her off that night, or was it when she offered to go to her apartment? Perhaps, even later, when Hayley sat by her side and decided to play a game she didn’t know, unfamiliar to her, but Hayley didn’t back off, she was always ready to accept anything Alex throwed at her, and answer it back defiantly without resorting to be mean. For how long that girl must’ve been like that? How many times she had to put that front? And more importantly, how many people made her go through it?

It was obvious to Alex, that Hayley had no parents or family in London she could rely on, or why else she would never have mentioned them before; working so late at night or nor even having someone she could call for help when she needed? Alex wasn’t blind to that. She could see the tiredness in her eyes when they would meet at the college. But the girl didn’t complain, never mentioned any difficulties and was still smiling innocently and devilishly teasing Alex. Maybe it wasn’t a specific moment or thing, but all those pieces together made her decide to no matter what, Hayley was a good person.

So, what was the problem of wanting to help someone like that? Help a girl too proud to admit when she couldn’t go any further. And how Alex could prevent that person of hurting herself without wounding her pride? On top of that, that damned weird feelings every time she saw Hayley. She tried telling herself she was avoiding Hayley because she was scared of the girl’s presence, of her effect, but in truth, she was scared of herself, of the weird things and thoughts running free on her mind. That day, when Hayley kissed her cheeks, that day, Alex wished it wasn’t the only place Hayley’s lips had touched, and maybe, a stronger and bolder Alex would’ve grabbed the girl wrists, stopping her from leaving; but she couldn’t do that, when she didn’t even understand what was happening and her own feelings.

The car stopped in front of her house. Megan mumbled something undecipherable. Her words echoed once more “You’re thinking too much… Just let things go naturally”.

– To whatever they need to go, huh? – Alex retorted to her sleepy friend.

Before paying the cab. She sent Hayley a reply.

Hayley: Hey, I know it’s late. But I’m bored, can you play a game with me?

Alex: Sure. What do you have in mind?

Alex passed one arm over Megan’s back, and helped her stand in the small pavement that leaded to her house. Megan groaned in response, but at least manage the small walk. It didn’t take long for her cellphone vibrate with another message of Hayley. She wanted to look and answer it back, but carrying her friend and opening the front door made that impossible to do.

When they finally entered her house. Megan automaticatilly started sleep-walking to Alex’s room, while stumbling in some furniture along the way.

– Guess I’m sleeping on the couch today – Alex said to no one in particular.

In reality, she didn’t mind, Megan wasn’t just a friend, but also a sister to her. People oftenly mistook them for twins, for they shared the same colour of hair and were like glue during High School. Strangely, they never tried to correct them, in fact, they both secretly wanted to be sisters, even if they didn’t say it out loud.

Alex lied in her cushioned cement-grey couch, an arm behind her head which was resting on the armrest. She read Hayley’s message.

Hayley: Have u ever played the “kill, marry, kiss” game?

Alex pondered a bit, before replaying.

Alex: No, I haven’t.

Hayley: But have u heard of it, at least?

Alex: I don’t think so.

Hayley: lol, for some reason I thought you’d say that!

Alex chuckled, raising her eyebrow. But she remembered Hayley couldn’t see her. She tried to look for an emoji that resembled it, but she disliked the rounded faces.

Hayley: Yk, it’s kinda funny when u take a long time to type after getting embarrassed. lol

Alex: I wasn’t this time.

Hayley: So, are u saying there were other times?

Alex could see Hayley’s eyes narrowing with a playful glint while saying that in a soft, innocent voice. It was so vivid in her mind, almost as if she had done that. She wished to see Hayley’s face again.

Hayley: Anyway, what were u trying to do?

Alex: I was looking for an emoji. But I don’t like any of the options. None of them seem real.

Alex: Uh, I mean, like it’s weird to use a laughing face like that when I laugh, and if I write I’m laughing is also weird. But not reacting is a bit…

Hayley: Weird?

Alex: Yeah.

Hayley: I guess it can’t be helped then. I think I need to call u.

Hayley: Unless you can’t right now. It’s fine too.

Alex surprised herself with how fast she typed.

Alex: No, I can.

Alex: No in like not doing anything. I mean, I’m just laying around, but I’m not busy. Argh, did you get it?

Hayley: lol yes. I’ll call u then.

She sighed, relieved.

Alex: Then I’ll get my headphone.

Hayley: Oh, right, u use them in calls.

Hayley: But then, doesn’t it feel like I’m whispering in your ear?

But Alex didn’t have time to reply, for her cellphone started ringing. She searched around for a headphone before answering the call. Gladly she had one of them on a drawer next to the TV. She plugged it in, and soon enough, Hayley’s voice greeted her in a bright tune.

And, in fact, it was like she was whispering in her ears.