Chapter 10

I felt light and agile as if I could jump and ascend, and continue to rise. I felt a sense of freedom and the uneasy feeling, the void in my chest, seemingly vanished. But that feeling was short-lived as if an anchor had grounded me once again that deep pain agonizing in my chest returned. 

Footsteps briskly approached from behind, they were soft and youthful. The pitter-patter of a child’s playfulness echoed through them. A faint giggle from a polite voice followed. “Yo!”

Slowly turning towards the voice the feeling of unease had crept up onto me. When my golden eyes met the snowy-haired boy, he was staring down, away from me. Looking up, I met his gaze, his large golden eyes transfixed onto mine. His wide eyes were powerful and a gust of wind blew through the center of us. As I took a few steps back from the winds, he only stood still, his hair swaying.

He grinned and the wind settled. Skipping towards me, he stuck out a hand, “What brings you to your mind palace.”

I stood quizzically and he grabbed my hand, high-fiving me. “Wh-what brings me here? No, why…why am I here? I didn’t come here on my accord. I need to leave, how do I leave! Fumia is out there alone!”

“Relax.” The boy scoffed and hopped around, calm and lively. “You must’ve come here subconsciously like you did last time. But you’re not moping around trying to remember who you are. That just means there are underlying issues. Affairs you don’t want to face. A truth you cannot accept--”

“Affairs I don’t want to face? A truth I cannot accept? Give me a break, you don’t know anything.” I gritted my teeth and bit my lower lip.

“Why do you deny? Of course, I know, I am you after all. So why can’t you face this?” His wide eyes dug into me.

“There’s nothing to be said, people die and we move on. That’s just the way this shitty job goes. Never mourned, easily forgotten. I’m sure it’ll be the same story once I kick the bucket. The world keeps moving, even without us in it!” I threw my hand over my heart and gripped my chest. “Ha, it seems like everything I’ve done sums up to nothing. Trying to make the world a safer place? Give me a break, I can’t even save my loved ones.”

“That sharp pain in your chest--” The boy grabbed my hand and placed it onto his tiny chest. It was cold to the touch. “I feel it too. We share the same pain, the same experiences. But it’s how you handle them is where we differ. You can’t put the weight of the world onto your shoulders, and you can’t keep everything bottled up and brush it off as just another life experience.”

The void felt deeper and my sense of touch felt more distant. “I can’t--”

“Mmm, can’t what?” He questioned. 

“I feel like I’m constantly on a downward spiral. I don’t know when I’ll hit the bottom, and I don’t know if I’ll ever reach the top again. I’m lost and I have no direction. All I wanted to do was rid the world of MechaBeasts, an ambitious goal, but I always persevered. Now it feels like what’s the point of even trying. I’m fighting a losing battle and I’ve already lost so much. I see no end, no light beyond the tunnel. It’s just void. Nothingness.” My vision blurred and tears began to uncontrollably flow like a waterfall. The tears were cold and stung my skin. “I hate this. I’m tired, I’m so, so tired.” I lowered my head and my snowy bangs followed. 

“Things won’t always be this way.” He took a step forward and looked up at me. His golden pearls reflect a shattered image of myself. “Somethings are just out of your control--”

“And what about the things that are in my control? The people I’m supposed to protect that I let get hurt, Sakura, Yuna, Atake, maybe even Fumia. She’s out there right now alone and I’m in here arguing with myself.” I shut my eyes, but the stream of water continued to flow. “I fucking hate myself, I hate this feeling in my chest, I hate this tormenting thoughts and memories replaying in my head, and I hate giving up. But I just want to give up more than anything right now.”

“What about the promises you made? What about your sister, and Fumia? How do you think they would feel if you just vanished? The exhaustion and pain you feel now would cease, but who do you think that sorrow is passed onto when you’re gone? Are you selfish enough to share that void in your heart with others?”

“OF COURSE NOT!” I cried out, my voice trembled and cracked. I lowered my voice to a whisper. “You think I want anyone to feel like this, let alone Fumia and my kid sister? I want to keep going, especially for them, I want to keep on living, I want to live for myself. But it feels like I’m already dead. I’m tired.”

“I know you are, but you need to stay awake. Once you close your eyes for good, you’ll never be able to return here. You’ll never resolve your inner conflict.”

“What’s there to resolve?”

“You’re desperate to help others but you can’t even help yourself. You can’t change the world when you can’t even change the way you look at yourself. Why do you look at yourself in this dirtied lens?”

“Stop--” I whimpered.

“The only person who can put a stop to my ramblings is you. After all, you're asking yourself these questions.”

“Me, huh? Just me.” I looked into the blank sky and pushed my hair back.

“You’re feeling alone, aren’t you?”

“That’s what I’m always feeling. I could be in a room filled with people and still feel that sense of disconnect. Like I’m constantly in this abyss where the sun doesn’t reach. Where I could scream and shout but no one would answer, no one would hear.”

“But not with her? Am I mistaken?” The boy walked circles around me as I stood still staring into the blank barron sky. His footsteps barely audible.

“You’re right. Not with her.” My chest felt warm and just for an instant I felt calm. “But I can’t face her like this. Not with bombs constantly going off in my head. I’m a mess, and I feel like time hasn’t been moving for quite awhile now. There’s no spark to life, it’s just dark.” I grimaced and shut my eyes. Holding back the river which awaited.

A warm sensation fled throughout my body. A feeling of security and calmness. The boy wrapped his arms around my waist and tightened his grip. He bgan hugging me and I couldn’t help but burst into tears. “The current method of question and answer hasn't worked so far. So let’s try a new method.” 

My voice quaked and I squealed every time I exhaled. “I hate this-- I hate myself--”

“I know, it’s okay. Things’ll get better. I promise. Your pain and suffering, the constant hurt you feel now is not permanent. Nor is the gloomy feeling of a loved one passing away. Little by little things will rebuild if you let them. Kanade?” He paused and stared towards me. His eyes once again dug into me.

I shrugged.

“Are you willing to move forward? Are you willing to try and clear the lens you look at life through? Are you willing to smile again? Are you willing to look into the mirror and be proud?”

I shrugged my shoulders once again before looking down towards him and our eyes met. His golden eyes swirled in search of a proper answer from me. I wiped my tears away with my white sleeves on my dress-shirt and finally, I nodded. 

The blank white canvas we stood on began to vanish. But it was different from last time, starting with the boy, he slowly faded before completely disappearing. And within an instant a bright flash of light swirled around me and sent me through a spiral of color.

***

Standing on my two feet once again, I paused in confusion and dropped the two heavy items I wielded. Although my body ached, my heart felt slightly lighter. 

“Kanade, what are you doing!?”

Turning fully around, the Irregular shot their sharp tendrils towards me. Still puzzled as to my situation. The tendrils bent and twisted towards me, but I was scatterbrain and I couldn’t react fast enough to even evade attack. Just for a second it was as if the world had turned black and white. The only color remaining was a deep red which covered the floor and stained my clothing. But this warm red that splattered and painted the floor was neither mine nor Fumia’s.

“Y-Yuna!” I gasped. She still bled from her sides but her shoulder had a deep would as well. Still holding her rapier above her head, Yuna had protected me from attack. My trench coat covering her body.

“Y-Y-Yunaaaa!” I stammered.

“Told you I could still fight.” She spat red as she spoke. Falling onto her knees Fumia lent us protection. “Here, this rightfully belongs to you.” She removed my trench coat and handed it to me. “I know this was irresponsible, but look how it turned out. In the end I saved you.”

“Why are you giving this back? A-and this isn’t the end, I’ll see you again. I promise--”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Kanade.” She whispered. “I’ve lost a lot of blood. I’m not sure if I’ll realistically make it out of this one. But if you are going to make a promise. Promise me this--”

I leaned in. 

“Promise me to fulfill your dreams.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Surely you have a dream you want to accomplish. I want you to promise me that you’ll fulfill them.”

I took a long breath. “I can’t promise you that--”

She frowned slightly. But I tilted her head up, “--Because you’ll see me accomplish them. You’re not fucking dying today.”

I lifted her and held her in my arms, placing her behind cover followed by bringing Sakura to her side. Sakura whimpered and his eyes rolled back. “Keep each other company.”

Returning to the battle, Fumia held her one for quite some time. “Fumia!” 

“Ah, Kanade! Are you okay?” She slid across the floor, evading attack and fled to my side. 

“Ah, I still feel like shit, but I feel a helluva lot better than I did. But I’ve got a hunch as to how to defeat this thing.”

“Mmm, how?” She raised an eyebrow.

“The pit of their stomach, there’s a tiny orb-like object. I think that orb acts like their core.”

She sighed, “I’ve got no other ideas, so let’s give it a shot.”

The MechaBeast roared and shook the ground as they ran towards us. I grabbed my weapons from the floor and slid on my trench coat. Fumia and I darted towards the Irregular, releasing a steam of attacks onto their sides. It felt as if the two of us were dancing around the Irregular. Swinging and dodging with ease, I felt in my prime. As the MechaBeast swung, their attacks couldn’t touch us. Taking attack after attack, the Irregular was thin.

“Kanade, let’s do this together, let’s defeat this thing!”

I nodded and took my stance, starting-up the sword skill Watergate. Before dashing forward, Fumia stood behind me, wrapping her arms beneath my shoulders and placing her blade in front of mine. “Together…”

She nodded, still holding my swords, I gripped her hands. Lowering our blades together, we thrust ourselves forward. The MechaBeast roared and split the ground. Their arms grew huge and stretched towards trying to crush us as we darted straight towards them. “Kyaaaaaaaa!” I shouted. Our blades collided with the Irregular and our momentum was exerted. Blue sparks flew into the air and the MechaBeasts body turned a dark gray. The Irregular began to crack and shatter. “Kanade, don’t falter!” Using all our force we drove ourselves through them, light blinded us through the cracks and everything went white. 

“Fumia!” We found ourselves on the other side of the MechaBeast. 

“I’m fine, Kanade.” Her arms still wrapped around me. The Irregular was gone, reduced to ash sifting in the light winds of the blazing skies.