A decade of bad luck. Continuous suffering on a day to day basis. Endlessly trying to seek an answer for something that wasn't even a question.
The first time, they said it will only take days to get back to normal however, days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, months turned to years, and years turned to a decade.
How funny. To be born in a wealthy family who can meet all of my wants but not all of my needs.
How funny. To enjoy this luxury only to be short-lived.
This life should've gone to people who'll live long, not to someone like me.
My mother, my father, my brother.
They all love me wholeheartedly. They care deeply for me. They always gave me the best treatment, sent me to the best hospital, assigned the best doctor to me; however, everything was in vain. No one can find a cure.
My parents started to visit less and decided to focus more on studying my illness. They will come when I am asleep but they are gone the moment I wake up.
My brother always keeps me company. He will visit in the morning and in the afternoon. Sometimes, he would also stay over for the night.
Hah!
I'm tired. I am very tired but I have to hold on for these three people. I know that they are also more than I am.
Everytime I wake up after a seizure, I will see my mom sobbing beside me and father consoling her while suppressing his tears from falling. My brother would be on my right side holding my hand and he would give me my favorite strawberry candy even though he knows I can't eat them.
Everytime I have to receive the painful treatment to stop my illness, I always see my parents and my brother looking through the window with tears in their eyes and full of worries.
I realized thenn, that I have to keep holding on and not show them a weak side of me.
I have to smile to take away their worries.
I have to laugh to keep them from crying.
I have to be bright so they can focus on what they need to do without worrying that I will fall into the abyss.
But sometimes I think to myself, would that really help them?
I don't know. I just have to cling to the possibility that maybe if I smile and not show them my pain, they will be okay too.
Although thinking that way, sometimes I think that life is unfair.
Very very unfair.
Since I turned 7, the first seizure, I was confined in the hospital for weeks and when I was discharged, I was locked inside the house, though not quite literally, I was forbidden from going to school so I was homeschooled. My only friend is a boy who lives in the same villa but we can only play for two hours at most. When I go out, it is always the same destination, a hospital, no matter where, the destination is always a hospital. Even abroad, the only place we will go to is a hospital
I only want to live well and be able to go out, go to school, play with friends, go on an outing with my family, and travel.
I always wanted to go to the beach and enjoy the sunrise and sunset.
I always wanted to attend school and experience the normal life of a teenager.
I always wanted to go to amusement parks like a child.
But these dreams are all futile.
*Cough Cough*
Ahh. Blood. Again.
When will this end?
Miracle!
“Miracle!”
Ahh. I thought a miracle was going to happen. It’s my name.
How ironic that I was named miracle because when I was born I was crying then suddenly, I stopped breathing and my heart stopped beating altogether but without further intervention from the doctors I came back to life.
To be named ‘Miracle’ after the incident of my birth only to get multiple myeloma.
(Note: Multiple myeloma is a cancer of bone marrow. Bone marrow is the spongy tissue inside the long bones.)
I was seven then when it was first discovered, I was treated but not cured since there is no cure. Who could have thought that I would have lived until up to this point? Hah.
There’s always treatment, there’s always needles injected in me. Chemotherapy. There are foods I can’t eat. I've always wanted to stop but my parents, my brother. What would happen to them? Hah.
"AHHH!"
"Miss. Hang on. You'll get through this!" The nurse is holding me tight in his arms.
"Ah! It hurts! It hurts! Stop!" Tears are flowing down my eyes already. Everything is blurry and my body is hurting. I can't hold on anymore.
Since five weeks ago, the treatment became more aggressive but the pain did not subside. I've had more seizures. I've collapsed more and no medicines are working anymore.
"It hurts! it hurts!" The nurse held me tighter to stop me from moving. Finally, the doctor was able to inject the tranquilizer in my arm.
After crying a river, I felt my body weakening and I passed out.
Miracle?
Bullshit. There’s no miracle.
I’m dying.
I know my parents are trying their best to find a cure for me but I can feel that I'm running out of time already.
I won't make it.
The only miracle that will happen is that I will recover strength like they said before I die. The surge of energy.
“You’re awake. You’ve been out for three days.”
“Funny.”
“Hm? What is?”
“Get me out of here.”
“You can’t. That’s not good for you.”
“I suppose it’s better to sneak out than to be accompanied by you, then?”
A loud sigh. A long and loud sigh before he got the wheelchair.
“Where are we going?”
“To the amusement park.”
“You’ve always wanted to go into an amusement park ever since we’re young.”
“If you knew, why have you never taken me there?”
“Our parents will not allow it. I can’t sneak your fat ass out of the house.”
Fat ass, hah! I was a skinny child though, hah!
Hm?
“You laughed.”
“Huh?”
“Ever since I got confined, I have rarely seen you laugh since I got confined.”
No.
“Not that I have ever seen you laugh before, anyway.”
“That-”
“Although it’s not good that you’re laughing because you think that I was fat.”
“I’m sorry.”
Long silence. The car was filled with long silence until we arrived at the amusement park.
“Where do you want to go first?”
“The carousel.”
I am in front of the carousel which I've only seen in pictures and videos. They said that every child wanted to ride the carousel. I think I understand now the reason why.
Giving you the feeling that the world is spinning and you are the center of it, The ride was fast but it was safe which gave me a sense of security. The horses, or sometimes unicorns, which we ride comfortably lift us up and down like it was really flying and as it moves around the circle,it moves like it wants to show me the world. The ride looked like it was for kids but it can give adults fun too.
It’s already late and it’s a weekday so there were not a lot of people here.
“I’ve never learned how to ride a horse, that's why I like the carousel so much.”
“I will teach you if you get better.”
Better? Heh.
I would never get any better.
We played around the park and rode other rides too and ate some food from the stalls but I still have to watch my food.
"It's dark already."
"Let's wait for the fireworks."
We sat on the bench and waited until 8.
Crowd started to form. It was a good thing we got here early.
When it was 8 already, the fireworks set off one by one.
"Beautiful."
"Do you like fireworks?"
"It's my first time seeing one."
For the first time in 17 years, I saw fireworks for the first time. It's bright. It lights everything under it.
Freedom. I felt freedom for the first time. I can feel the lights telling me to follow it.
"Miracle!"
Ahh. Why is the world black?
"Miracle!"
Why is brother shouting?
"Miracle!"
Where am I?
"Miracle!"
I can feel brother's warmth.
I can feel brother's warm hands caressing my face.
"Stay with me! Miracle!"
“Brother?”
“I'm here.”
Something wet fell on my face. Is it raining?
No. It's only on my face.
"Brother?"
"Please hold on."
We're moving. Brother's running.
"Don't cry." I smiled faintly at him while trying to dry his tears.
"I am not."
"Yes, you're not." It's getting heavy.
My eyelids are getting heavy.
I hear the car engines.
"Are you going to work now, brother?"
"No. No. I am not going anywhere."
He is sobbing. He is crying.
"Are you sad? Please don't be sad from now on."
"Miracle."
"Thank you brother."
Thank you for staying beside me all the time. Thank you for giving me everything I want. Thank you for being my brother.
Ah. I feel weaker and weaker.
"Don't close your eyes, Miracle!"
"Brother."
I coughed blood again.
"Stop talking. We're almost there!"
"Please live well from now on, my dear brother."
"Please, please. No!"
I can hear the people shouting. I felt my back touch a soft surface.
"We're here. You can tell me everything later, huh?"
I smiled at him and caressed his face.
"Find someone to make you happy. I hope someone will be there for you."
"MIRACLE!"
"Please. Please live well."
Ahh. My throat is hurting. I am barely speaking. I am barely keeping my eyes open.
"Please make way! GSW to the chest!"
"5 years old, GSW *inaudible*"
"14 years old, multiple fractures and burns and *inaudible*"
"Sir, let's move the patient to her room."
"Brother." I held his hands to stop them from moving me.
"You can continue later."
"Brother. I'm tired."
I'm tired and it hurts.
I can't go on anymore.
I hope that you will really live well after I am gone, Rile.
Although you don’t talk about it that much, I know that you’re suffering.
I hope you won’t be left utterly alone after I leave.
That will make me sad.
I hope that all your pain will go away and find a new light when I’m gone.
“I love you, Rile.”
“I love you more, little one." He's now crying. The sound he's suppressing while sobbing earlier got louder.
My eyes are starting to fall. I am already having a hard time breathing. I can't move my legs that went numb since I don't know when.
The light. The light which I saw earlier. I can see it again.
"See you tomorrow, brother."
I really hope to see you tomorrow again.
"Miracle!"
I smiled and tears fell from my eyes as I slowly closed my eyes.
Please take note that this is a work of fiction.
Multiple myeloma is a real illness. Many are suffering from it but I do not intend to make this subject lightly thus, I omitted any medical terms and only mentioned the illness and the "medical terms" are FICTIONAL such as the "fictional symptoms and trying to suppress/cure" the illness.
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