Italics is Cole and non-italics is Jasmine (Jaz). The (…) represents someone typing.

7:31 P.M. PT (10:31 EST)

Jaz: Yes?

Jaz: Do you need time to hide the bodies?

Jaz: I am slightly too curious about your possible explanations to chuck this at the nearest True Crime podcast girlies for like, profit. Profit and shame, and also sweet, sweet money.

7:49

Jaz: I’ll give you a pass if it’s like, Nazi’s and meninists and people who don’t use their turn signals when they merge

Jaz: And also if you’re married to Timothy Oliphant.

8:05

Jaz: Have you seen Santa Clarita Diet?

8:56

Jaz: It’s a really good show, like, Drew Barrymore is amazing

Jaz: really solid comedic timing from everyone and all-around fodder for the bisexuals, pretty cool right?

Jaz: Right?

Jaz: Right?

Jaz: As someone who works in television, I have a list of “Bisexual Television” but I haven’t decided if you’re like, too Karen for it. The bodies I can excuse. The yelling at wait staff not as much.

9:00

Cole: I’M NOT A KAREN

Cole: I’m only 28 you cretin and I used to be a waitress for YEARS

Cole: and it was this terrible little Italian restaurant that served box lasagna and I got blamed for it being cold in the middle and one of those horrible grandpas used to grab my ass every other night.

Cole: Right?

Cole: Right?

Cole: That’s you. Inconsiderate little fucko. Of course I’ve seen Santa Clarita Diet!!

(. . .)

9:05

Jaz: Woah, woah, girlie, alright I set you off

Jaz: Which is a 5/5 in terms of stranger blowups so far, very in form, tho less caps then usual

Jaz: Anyway, you want to tell me what’s with this barn house photo with all the viscera on the floor? (did you notice the big word? Yeah, I visited Harvard when I was in Boston, heh)

Jaz: please imagine the smarmiest little smile you’ve ever seen on another human as I say “heh”

9:06

Cole: Rest assured, I am imaging that smile constantly on you.

9:18

Jaz: Man, are you preparing some sort of speech for me? A PowerPoint? A conference call? I’m almost flattered.

Jaz: Also, I was looking over our last texts for Clues in this Blues Clues game we’re playing with your weird body-photos

Jaz: And we’re the same age!! Isn’t that fun?

9:20

Cole: It is not.

9:22

Jaz: Isn’t it like, midnight over there?

Jaz: I keep seeing your typing bubbles btw, I know you’re there

Jaz: tell meee

9:29

Cole: look

Cole: It’s embarrassing.

9:31

Jaz: ????

Jaz: are you turned on by crime scenes??

Jaz: is that why you called me a perv???

Jaz: Oh my God.

Jaz: This your kink isn’t it

Jaz: Your kink you get off to after work. man (!!) don’t even need to go into incognito mode, just start googling Netflix documentaries

Jaz: Points for originality tho

9:33

Cole: IT’S NOT A KINK YOU JERK

9:34

Jaz: I haven’t gone into the notes section of the phone yet, out of respect

Jaz: but this may be the time if not the place

9:36

Cole: IT’S A *HOBBY*

Cole: I hope your colon explodes in a shitting accident.

Cole: And no, before you fucking say it, because I feel like I know what you’re going to say

Cole: IT’S NOT A TRUE CRIME THING

Cole: mostly

9:39

Jaz: you’re killing me smalls, you’re killing me

Jaz: this is like pulling teeth and/or trying to get Stacy in the 8th grade to admit that she likes me

Jaz: Stacy you gotta give me more than this, sure, we kissed at that sleepover one time, but I can’t keep making all the first moves, it’s giving me stomach cramps. You gotta say you like me back

Jaz: maybe with a hearts emoji, Stacey, I deserve a hearts emoji

9:45

Cole: Jesus Christ

Cole: Okay, open the file that says “taxes”

9:47

Jaz: ooh, the old tax file label? you little fox

9:47

Cole: Stacy didn’t like you back, did she pal?

9:50

Jaz: I’m opening your evil little folder as we speak

Jaz: What the fuck?

Jaz: Wow!

Jaz: WOW (??)

Jaz: How many of these do you have?

Jaz: did you make all of them???

9:53

Cole: Yes. And before you ask, they are original miniatures not some weird eBay thing I buy online

Cole: I assemble and hand paint them, and yes it takes a long time. Yes, I’ve been doing it for years. No, you can’t see and/or touch them.

9:53

Jaz: this is so weird

Jaz: are for you real? You make these tiny little houses and furniture yourself? Wait, wait, wait

9:59

Jaz: THESE ARE THE CRIME SCENE PHOTOS

Jaz: You recreate the crime scene photos in little adorable houses?? we’re back into you being creepy territory

10:01

Cole . . .

Cole: I know, okay? Why do you think I have a second phone for it? My boyfriend already made me drive all of my dioramas back to my parent’s place

Cole: he doesn’t even know I still do this

10:02

Jaz: :(

Jaz: I’m frowning for feminists reasons

Jaz: girl you’re allowed to be as creepy as you want, peace and love

10:05

Cole: Will you just give me two damn minutes?

Cole: here

[LINK SENT]

Cole: it’s an article on Frances Glessner Lee, the mother of forensic science

Cole: when I was 9 I saw her Nutshell Studies of Unexplained Death exhibit and like any dumb kid I thought she was the coolest damn person in the entire world and wanted to be just like her

Cole: and she did not have a crime scene kink!! The dollhouses represent cases you can solve through visual evidence. It’s an exercise.

10:07

Jaz: you can solve the cases by looking at your little barbie dollhouses?

10:07

Cole: fuck you.

Cole: yes. Notice which windows are open, where the blood spots are, which lights are turned on, and so on

10:08

Jaz: that’s actually cool

Jaz: I feel bad now. Like, actually real bad.

10:08

Cole: YOU SHOULD

10:09

Jaz: you’re just a cool lady with a hobby

Jaz: and a lot of money and anger issues and violence in your heart and various niche interests

Jaz: man

10:11

Cole: Yes.

Cole: I mean, yes to some of that.

10:12

Jaz: And you said you like Santa Clarita Diet?

10:15

Cole: YES.

10:16

Jaz: you’ve convinced me, I’ll send the phone back in the morning . . . my bad.

Jaz: look at me, working for the patriarchy, not letting ladies make tiny tiny murder victim dioramas for science or something smh

10:17

Cole: It is a funny show. Good use of gore humor, lovely couple, bisexual fodder, etc.

Cole: dammit, I didn’t send that fast enough.

Cole: How do you type so fast?

10:21
Jaz: Cocaine habit

Jaz: Isn’t it super late there? Do you have work in the morning?

10:23

Cole: Really? Huh. I heard that was pretty common on the west coast.

Cole: Do you have to use a neti pot sometimes then? I’ve considered trying one.

10:24

Jaz: KIDDING

Jaz: wow

Jaz: *ADHD habit

10:24
Cole: haha, okay

10:27

Jaz: you can laugh??

Jaz: right, it’s 1 AM over there

Jaz: I could probably make you laugh at anything right now. Why didn’t the skeleton go to prom?

11:01

Cole: 2 AM now actually

Cole: my boyfriend's out of the apartment, it’s hard for me to sleep alone

11:09

Cole: you’re probably asleep now

Cole: goodnight, what’s your name?

Cole: I suppose I’ll see it on the return address

Cole: Goodnight.

11:15

Jaz: It’s Jaz