When I was a young boy, I went to visit Santa Claus at the mall. Unfortunately, I managed to take a wrong turn and instead stepped into a dark cave scattered with skeletons, torches, and ash. It was the most terrifying thing in my life, rising just above that one encounter I had with Reverse Medusa, a creature with the body of a snake and several tiny people protruding from her scalp who would turn stone objects into carbon-based lifeforms whenever she looked away from it. As I continued in the cave further and further, I found a sword, a shield, and a treasure chest containing thirty pieces of gold and a minor mana potion. I eventually found myself at the end of the cave. It was pitch black, but everything had quickly lit up after a great breeze of fire. On the other end of the flame was a huge dragon. I drew my sword and knew I either had to fight or perish like a rabbit.

“Everyone really only cares about themselves,” the dragon snarled as it clawed at me. “Even people who do charitable work only want others to notice and appreciate them for doing so.”

“Nerts to that poppycock!” I yelled, “There’s much more to life than simply fulfilling one’s on pleasurable needs!”

“You are one who has never dated before. Even the kindest people show support for their spouse just to get them to like them more.”

“Even so, it’s a mutual pleasure! NGAAAAHHHH!!!”

I lunged at the dragon and my sword seeped through its neck, gruesomely slaying it. The moment after it collapsed with a huge thump, a stone door behind it had slid open.

There was one last room. I slowly entered and saw a large, robed, bearded man sitting in a throne. He was chuckling to himself smugly and slowly. I lit a torch and recognized the man.

“Santa Claus?!”

“Greetings, mortal!”

“Have I been a good boy this year?”

“The all-knowing List has decided your fate. For showing true courage and idealism against the Dragon of Cynicism who has guarded the Dungeon of Truth, you have been deemed Super Nice by the elf gods. As a token of our appreciation, we shall give you access to the world’s most burning yet unavoidable truths, as well as one thing that you desire deepest. Ho. Ho. Ho.”

I couldn’t see anything after that, as he then gave a great big huff and puff and blew all the lights out. That Christmas morning, I opened up a present and found a mysterious tome written by Kris “The Ethereal Sage” Kringle himself. Indeed, this book would have contained the most burning yet unavoidable truths known to the world and quite possibly the universe, but the whole thing was blank. At first, I felt ripped off, but then I realized: “Wait. If I had bested the Dragon of Cynicism, perhaps it is I who must fulfill the duty of filling this book with the universe’s most burning yet unavoidable truths. And after several years and missed Christmases, I have finally achieved my life’s work in completing it. As a public service, I have decided to showcase it to the world.

So, my friends, prepare to enter the Dungeon of Truth.