They raise the curtain, followed by the accompaniment of piano notes. The stage setting is mesmerising. It’s transformed into the lake in an enchanted forest, with a lot of willow trees brought in, along with the ceiling of wisteria, beds of live moss, and fountains filled with lily pads as the representation of Odette’s dwelling place. Groups of woman dancers ready in their place, arms reaching high, fingers spread, heads tilting back. Dresses in simply white but still elegantly hug their body, their tutu as a perfect symbol of the swan’s graceful tails.

The show has started

The orchestral music speeds up the tempo of the swan theme by Tchaikovsky, the main lights in the auditorium come off with the left blue hue from the stage lights, the dancers start glided gracefully to their positions as they push themselves off the floor, they pull their legs into a grand jatȇ and angles their head over their hand, let the gravity takes over their body. They fly around across the stage with grace as representatives of the group of swans in the lake.

Jamie watches them from the edge of the curtain, waiting for his turn to enter the main stage. All the dancers are his friends, people he usually hangs out with even outside the workplace. Especially one of them who took the Juliet character in the last showcase with Joseph, his dancing partner at that time. Lilith.

1 month before the show.

“Hello, Jamie?” Lilith answered from the other line

Jamie walked as fast as he could, let himself trip now and then since he was too busy peering at his phone, dialling Lilith’s number over and over again

“Lilith, what took you so long? Is Joseph still in the studio?” Jamie asked. Joseph didn’t arrive home yet, it was almost midnight and he was getting worried.

“I’m sorry, Jamie, I just had time to check my phone. Where are you?” she answered, sharing the same panic with him. At that moment Jamie was grateful Lilith also had the same concerns just like him. He didn’t think it was anything else.

“I’m on my way to the studio I-“

“No Jamie! Joseph is already on his way home. He went 20 minutes ago, he should be on the subway now” She stutters, her breathing rapid until Jamie could clearly hear from his phone.

Jamie wanted to say something, but little did Lilith know, he was already near the studio building and he saw Joseph just heading out from the lobby. He hitched his backpack as he walked out. Why did Lilith lie to him?

“Really? Oh yeah, well, I will just go back and wait at home then. Thanks, Lis” Jamie ended the call. He scurried to follow Joseph secretly. Never in his mind, that he would stalk his boyfriend one day. He couldn’t believe he would do something he would hate if someone did the same thing to him. But he knew he couldn’t sleep at night without knowing why Lilith had to lie about Joseph.

Joseph took the subway, the same route when he usually went home. Jamie bit relieved by that fact. He experimentally tried to call him while he watched him from afar inside the metro car. Joseph looked at his phone briefly.

He rejected it

Joseph walked outside when the door opened. It wasn’t the stop to their home. He went out too early. Jamie had little time to process. He immediately followed him again. Jamie carefully hid from wall to wall, giving the safe space between him and his boyfriend. As Joseph mindlessly walked through an unfamiliar neighbourhood, it was a shady and gloomy alley. Jamie actually was scared, but he braced himself for the sake of truth.

Joseph stopped in front of one of the apartment doors, he was typing in a couple of minutes before he pressed the passcode of the door lock smoothly as it was already engraved in his mind. He entered that apartment and closed the door behind him.

Jamie waited outside

1…2… hours

No signs Joseph would come out from that damn door. Jamie checked his phone to call him again, but what he saw was another notification.

Jossie <3:

I’m going to practice a bit longer, kind of nervous about the showcase. Don’t wait for me and sleep first.

Love you

In the morning he found him already sleeping beside him on their bed, peacefully, like nothing ever happened.

Lilith has lied and now Jamie knew the reason behind it

At Present.

Lilith keeps her long limbs sliding gracefully across the dance floor, her eyes meet Jamie’s who’s getting ready for his entrance, the smirk on her face teases Jamie who tried to control his expression. Reminiscing terrible memory about that girl's lie won’t help him, he reminds himself to remain focused. He won’t let anyone ruin what he had worked for tonight.

Tonight is the time when the victory is his

Jamie steps onto the stage delicately, as the spotlight is aimed at him, he instantly transports as a vulnerable swan, facing the hundreds pair of the audience, he gazes at them with pain and longing, telling them through his eyes that he’s nothing more than a lonely swan dancing under the moonlight. He can feel the energy, the adrenaline pumping through him, almost completely replacing the blood flowing through his veins. It’s addicting.

With the gentle thud of his pointed shoes, he lands and steps cleanly into pique arabesque, clenching the muscle in his ankle to hold his balance. Spotting the corner of the stage, he flicks his leg to retire and whips his head around him for his triple pirouette. He clings to the rotations as the turns spill out of him with seemingly effortless grace.

What the audience sees only the perfection

Yet there’s still a lot an audience doesn’t see

Crooked toes, protruding ribs, bruised feet

Pain, anger, struggle. Discipline, failures, fear, betrayal.

One day, a month ago.

Jamie still refused to believe the possibility of Joseph’s betrayal

He walked back and forth in his own room while Joseph just entered the bathroom

Why did he lie to him?

One question still haunts him in his nightmare. He contemplates himself. He was so sure he wouldn’t be mad if Joseph said he would sleep in his friend’s place, he never restrained him from doing anything he pleases. Then why does he thinks he should lie to him?

He flinched when he heard a buzz from Joseph’s phone, which was being charged over the drawer. Jamie found himself standing beside the bed as he approaches the phone, peering at it for a couple of seconds. He couldn’t help but let out a stifled sigh, brushing his face with his palm in frustration, and sat on the bed with a thud.

He glared at the phone in silence. This is wrong, it violated the basic principles of their relationship. They agreed to keep their own privacy and would tell if it needed to be. If there was nothing on the cell phone, then Jamie would hurt Joseph’s trust forever. He would not only disappoint him but also frustrate himself for not being able to trust his partner.

But if not, Jamie would always live with endless anxiety and suspicion. He wouldn’t be able to sleep well, imagining Joseph out there left him alone to accompany his affair. He wouldn’t be as happy as before.

Jamie knew that by opening the cell phone he would get nothing from it other than bitter truth or regret or even both

With a trembling hand, he reached for the phone. It was locked, but Jamie already predicted it before, therefore he remembered the pattern when Joseph occasionally unlocked it beside him and he was glad he always be the most nimble one between them.

It just opened. Jamie couldn’t believe as easy as that what he needed to reveal the truth.

He straightly went to the inbox with his heart thumping madly under his ribcage, his hand clammy as his thumb kept shaking as he scrolled the inbox list. Nothing from a suspicious number, all mostly from their mutual friends in the theatre.

Jamie was about to close it when he saw something from the brief message description about it.

Brian:

Kid, why Jamie ask me if I ever let you practice until after midnight?

You didn’t go home?

Yah! Be careful, I think he’s getting more suspicious. I don’t want you to ruin the chemistry between Odette and the prince just because you both having a fight. And if you break up with him, I’ll find another Prince because there’s no way Jamie would willing to have the same stage with you.

Janet:

Don’t meet him yet for a while. Jamie asked me if he should have dinner with you more often

Take him to some restaurant so he’ll stop digging for information about you from me. I’m getting a headache here

Harith:

You lucky brat!

How does it feel to bedding two different persons in one night?

Jamie felt sick, the thought was speeding up inside his head. He wanted them to slow, so he could breathe, but they wouldn’t. his breath came on gasped and he felt like he would black out. Jamie clutched his chest and tried to inhale oxygen as much as he could. Carefully put back the phone from where it belongs. The room spun as he was getting more dizzy. A disgusted feeling crept to his skin as he wanted to rip off wherever Joseph ever touched him, tore the flesh from his bone, he wanted not to be himself.

“Jamie?” Joseph’s voice slapped his back to his sense

Jamie looked at him with his teary eyes, glaring without even he could control it

Joseph seemed dumbfounded “what happened?”

He just stood there with a towel hugging his waist, his hair still dripping water, and Jamie couldn’t find the words to answer him, he just stared. Someone else’s lips kissed those lips, that body was being touched by someone else’s hand, and those…

Jamie ran to the bathroom behind Joseph. He couldn’t resist anymore. Jamie was never so disgusted with something until he needed to empty his own stomach. He still gaging, even when there was nothing else he could throw up.

Joseph ran after him, rubbing his back gently “oh gosh, babe, what happened to you?”

Jamie closed his eyes, and let the tears fall freely to his cheeks “I’m fine, just a bit anxious”