Orchestral Overture: Shifting Staffs

I’m kissing Mei Huang. 

No, she’s kissing me. 

This is wrong. Very, very wrong. On so many levels. 

I should stop this. I should push her away. She’s drunk. She thinks I’m someone else. Something else. That’s my fault, but still I never meant for her to kiss me. Not like this. Under false pretenses. 

And yet, I’ve been dreaming about kissing her for oh so long now. Hoping. Yearning. This almost feels like a dream right now. The most pleasant, wonderful dream I’ve ever had. It feels like the birds are singing, the orchestra is swelling, and the entire earth has burst into song. And I don’t want it to end. 

So, I let her kiss me. 

And I kiss her back. Slowly. Carefully. Afraid to break the spell. Afraid to wake up from this dream. Afraid of the moment when I will inevitably remember that although this may feel right, it’s oh so very wrong. 

She massages her lips against mine, and I can’t bring myself to stop her. She tastes of sweet lychee fruit. Grape with a hint of rose, mixed with an earthy alcohol. Maybe I’m drunk too, because kissing her back is definitely an impaired decision. She grips my long, wheat blonde hair by the roots, in case I have any thoughts of escaping the kiss. I don’t have any. 

And yet I do. It’s all very confusing for me to be honest. 

Every time Mei drinks more than two wine coolers she blabs about Reese without ever really saying anything at all. Whenever she drops Reese’s name, that’s my cue it’s time for Mei to go home, because she never talks about Reese while sober. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t realize that I even know the name “Reese”. And yet, I know hundreds of tiny factoids about her college roommate. Like the fact that Reese’s favorite color is blue and that Reese took a Mandarin course in college to try to impress Mei’s parents. 

But she never says anything important. Not directly. 

Like how she fell in love with Reese.

How she’s still in love with Reese. 

Or how Reese died. 

She never even shared that Reese is dead in the first place. 

Or why her parents disapproved of their relationship. Or would disprove if they knew.

She’s always so vague and cryptic, dancing around those topics lightly even when heavily inebriated. From context clues I’ve been able to piece together fragments of the truth. I’ve picked up on her parents insistance that she marry a “good Chinese boy”. I just always focused on the “Chinese” part, rather than the “boy” part. I didn’t even know Reese was a woman until Mei mistook Evelyn for her at the bar. Suddenly a great many things make more sense, and many of my suspicions about Mei are confirmed.

I swallow down that thought, not wanting to think about it while kissing her. Not wanting to face the truth. That I can never be with Mei. That she will never love me. For more reasons than one. Disregarding the fact that she has made it abundantly clear on numerous occasions that she, ironically, has no desire for a romantic relationship, she’s still hung up on her past relationship. Or, I thought she was, until she started showing interest in Evelyn, a woman I now suspect strongly resembles Reese. A woman she, in some cruel twist of fate and in her extreme obliviousness to my true feelings, has recruited me to help her get close to. A woman she now thinks I am. 

An eager tongue traces my soft bottom lip, asking permission, and that’s when I snap out of my daze. I push her back, gasping for air, unsure how long I allowed that to go on, burning with shame and guilt. I never meant for her to kiss me, but I know that is no excuse. I should never have tricked her into believing I was Reese in the first place.

She gazes up at me through half-lidded eyes, looking more intoxicated than I’ve ever seen her before. A small part of me foolishly wishes her hazy smile is just from our kiss, but I suspect she is much drunker than usual if she doesn’t even recognize Evelyn staring her right in the face. Just how many cocktails did she have with Mrs. Neilson before I noticed? 

I should have noticed sooner. Should have stopped her. Should have brought her home sooner. And I certainly should not have taken advantage of this new revelation. Shouldn’t have become Evelyn who I knew she would think was Reese. But I wanted so desperately to finally know. Know once and for all if Mei really did love Reese as I suspected she did, or if they were just a “roommate” as she always insisted they were. I desperately wanted to know if I had any hope at all. 

Foolish of me to want such a thing. I feel worse than ever, as my gut twists like someone stabbed me with a knife. I’ve betrayed her and my own code of ethics and for what? To confirm what I already knew? That I can never replace Reese in her heart? That I can’t even carve out a new place somewhere in there for me? To taste the forbidden fruit, only to know I will never be able to have it again? Only to know I can never even confess how much I’ve wronged her tonight?

Of course, me being me, it’s nearly impossible to not need to lie from time to time, but I haven’t intentionally taken advantage of anyone since I was a child. But of course, the one time I assume I can harmlessly gather information, my best friend and unrequited love kisses me under false pretenses!

Maybe I should distance myself from Mei for a while. She would tell me to give up if she suspected the true depth of my feelings for her. She would say there are other fish in the sea, except she probably would say it differently, as some Chinese proverb she translated so badly into English it hardly makes any sense. Of course, it would be extremely hypocritical of her to say such a thing, but that’s just one of her most endearing qualities: her unapologetic hypocrisy. And I would understand where she is coming from. However, even if I know it’s foolish to pine over someone I can never have, I can’t seem to help myself. 

And for that reason, I can’t think of separating myself from her, physically or emotionally, now or later. I know the next time she drags me into one of her ridiculous harebrain plans, I’ll be there. And if she asks me to befriend Evelyn to help them get closer, I’ll do it. And if I can spend the rest of my life as just her friend, that’s enough for me. It has to be. 

She smiles at me in a way she never has before. A way I might never see again. A way I know she never would if she knew who I really was. What I really was. I drink it in, trying to savor the moment, even as it kills me. 

“Of coursh I love you, shǎguā.”

It’s too much. I pull away from her, brushing away my tears.

Her arms fall to the bed limply. Her head slumps to the side. Her eyes close into a deep sleep which, based on prior experience, will steal her memories of our kiss. I allow myself to look for only a moment, before I pull her comforter over her, tucking her into bed. 

I brush a strand of soft brown hair from her baby-doll face. Lightly touch her rosey, alcohol flushed cheek.

No. This is wrong. I clench my fist, using the pain of the french manicured nails digging into my skin to shove down my feelings. Then I withdraw. 

At her bedroom door, I can’t help but look back one more time. “I love you too, Mei Huang.” Since the day I met you, and you somehow seduced me into confessing that I felt like no one knew the real me, let alone loved me. That I’d never been in love, but always wanted to love and be truly loved in return for who I really was. 

As I leave the room, my blonde hair shortens, curls, and fades to brown. My body grows. Legs and arms thicken and lengthen. Chest flattens one way and expands the other. Features harden. A five o’clock shadow sprouts from my chin. Evelyn Hart melts away, and I become Thaddeus Wright once more.