Warning: This story is not for children due to general weirdness and the threat of a Bigfoot ass kicking.

I stomped through the cave, brushing the hair from my eyes as I did. Carl watched me with a morose expression that could be seen through his fur. He wore a loincloth, but the piece seemed redundant. I piled rocks in the cave’s corner, quaking.

“What did I say?”

“It’s not what you said. It’s what you did.” I kicked the wall, and dust slid down. “What were you thinking? Talking to a human! If her phone hadn’t been dead...”

“I’m...sorry?”

I laughed, a bitter sound. I studied my overlarge feet—at least, they were overlarge by human standards. “That’s not good enough. We could be killed. Or dragged off to a lab.”

“I talked to a human last week too, the hiker. You weren’t this mad then.” He placed a hairy hand on my shoulder. “It was something about this girl, huh? Do you think she was a reporter?”

I scowled.

Carl laughed. “Wait a minute. You’re jealous!”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” I sweat beneath the fur. “That’s ludicrous. Of a human? She was ugly! Like they all are!”

“Uh huh.”

I shook my fist at him. “She was! Wasn’t she? You did think she was ugly?”

“Not ugly.”

“You got a good enough look at her, I’ll warrant, after that conversation!”

“I guess.” Carl bowed his head. “I mean, she was kind of-”

“Don’t you say it, Carl. If we weren’t going extinct, I’d divorce you.”

“I was going to say she was...chatty.”

“Sure you were.”

He swallowed. “Really, I was. I’m...curious about humans. I mean, why do they even care about us?”

“Because humans like to be right, Carl. They think there’s something out there, they’ve got to prove it. They’re too damn curious for their own good.”

“Kathy seemed nice.”

“You got her name?” I seized Carl by the shoulders and shook him. “Admit it! You were infatuated!”

“You admit you’re jealous!” He smacked my hands away. “Crazy she-ape.”

“I am not an ape, you rotten gorilla!”

“A chimp, then?”

I raised my head. “I am a Bigfoot! And proud of it! And you are a philandering, drooling, lecherous idiot!”

“Her name was Kathy Redford.”

“I’ll give you a Kathy Redford! I’ll kick your ass! How about it? It’s on the house, extra large: a foot up the ass!”

Carl shook his head. “Janet.”

“Carl.” I sank into a chair. The cave was dotted with two love seats, a couch, three rugs, and a fishbowl. All that remained within the bowl was murky water—Carl had misunderstood the concept, and had swallowed the fish whole.

“I asked her questions about the human world.”

I glared ahead.

He knelt beside me. “I didn’t tell her anything about us.”

“Like that’s my point!”

“It should be.” He rested a hand over mine. “I love you.”

I met his brown gaze. “That’s why it hurts. You love me, but you talk to her regardless. And I love you too, and it makes me feel so stupid.”

“I’m just tired of hiding.” He sat beside me, and placed his hand over my foot. He massaged my toes, a gesture of affection for our kind. “I want to talk to people. I want to see the world, and it’s creatures. I want to be apart of things. To see and learn and talk like they do.”

“Carl. They’ll kill us.”

“I don’t care.” He met my gaze. “Maybe I will end up in a lab. But I want to know. This world, this forest, is our whole life...and our whole lives are pretty damn small, Janet. We weren’t supposed to hide like this.”

“There weren’t supposed to be humans.”

“I don’t think they’re all bad.” He stood up. “I won’t talk to Kathy again. Not if you’re jealous. But I’m going to talk to others. I’m leaving, Janet. And if you want to come...that’s your choice.”

I was silent. After several minutes, I pulled him into a hug. He stroked my back. I nuzzled his neck. “I can’t leave you alone. You’d get lost.”

He chuckled.

“But where will we go?”

“To the city.” He picked at my fur. He rolled a piece between his fingers. “I’ve set up a meeting with someone there.”

“Next time, consult me.” I sighed. “It’s not Kathy?”

“Her name is Caroline.”

I growled.

“Don’t worry.” Carl snorted. “She really is ugly.”

“Just wear deodorant.”

“Don’t worry.” His lips brushed my forehead. “I’ll have a bath and everything.”

“And you’ll clean between your toes?”

“Especially the toes.”