(Warning: Cringey Content, Mental Health- Severe Anxiety, Self-hate, Toxic Parents)

“We’re here.” My dad says parking in a gravel driveway. “Wait for me.” He says going around. I hear him open the door for my stepmom and then the sliding door for me. I situate myself using my dad's hand as help and extend my cane. “Here’re your sunglasses.” My dad says.

“Are there a lot of people?” I immediately get anxious.

“No, it’s a small group.” My dad soothes.

“Can you make sure to keep a hand on me?” I ask, wondering where the heck we were. It smelled woodsy.

“Of course.” He says. He guides me through all the cars to where I hear a group gathered.

“Is that everyone gathered for the tour?” A strong, firm female voice calls over the murmur.

“Tour?” I whisper to my dad, “Uh, how am I supposed to enjoy it?” I actually laugh a little at the irony of it but my stepmom takes it as an attitude.

“Just wait and see.” She shushes. 

“I’m going to go over the rules real quick and then we’re going to get started. First, everyone puts on a helmet and turns on their lights.” There’s an overwhelming amount of shuffling and noise and I momentarily lose contact with my father. I’m lost in the dark, heart pounding as I’m surrounded by shuffling people. I struggle not to panic until I get jostled and then heart pounding, snap, “Watch it!” 

“Sorry kid,” the strong voiced lady from earlier says, “I didn’t mean to run into you.” 

“What, couldn’t see the blind guy standing completely still in the crowd?” I respond angrily, not really upset about being bumped but more for getting scared. “I know we’re ignored by society but I didn’t realize we became completely invisible.”

“Stop being an ass, she’s blind too,” My stepmom hisses almost silently in my ear. I flinch away from her. The strong voiced lady is quiet for a second and then I hear it, she’s chuckling as quietly as she can.

“Well I am very sorry about that sir, would you like to put on your helmet now?”

I put my helmet on sheepishly, then whisper, “How can you be a tour guide if you’re blind?”

“You must think very little of yourself,” she whispers back, “Besides, I’m not completely sightless, I have aniridia.” ‘What was she saying, I could be a tour guide? I have no idea what aniridia is,’ I think to myself.

“I had head trauma,” I say back.

“So you were able to see before?” She asks. I would normally start getting defensive but she was also visually impared and sounded so…casual about it.

“Yeah, what about you?”

“Well considering one is born with aniridia, I’ve never seen any way but this.” She tightens my helmet, “Don’t forget to turn on your light bud, I’ve gotta go check everybody's helmets.”

“Why do I need a light?” I joke.

“Spelunking rules,” she says very seriously, “Even if you won’t be using it,” at least she chuckles acknowledging my joke a little, “The light would make it easier to find you, if you were to wander off or something.”

“I will not be wandering off.” I say with deathlike certainty trying not to imagine getting lost in the dark.

“That’s a good boy,” she says walking away and I blush.

My dad says something like, “Nice.” And I brush his arm with my elbow, “Stop, don't make it weird.”

After a minute she calls to the group, “Second rule, buddy up, it doesn't matter if it’s two or ten do not leave your buddy. Third rule, do not touch the stalagmites or stalactites. Don’t try to take anything from the cave, touching wildlife, vandalization, and littering will all have legal repercussions. Rule number four is the last and therefore the most important, do not wander off to explore on your own, there are miles and miles of unexplored cave that extends over the entire united states, we don’t know how much of it connects and if you were to get lost you could end up dying from dehydration or starvation before you ever find another exit. It is very difficult to find missing people in caves, so unless you feel like getting lost forever, do not wander off to explore on your own.”

“Damn that got dark.” My dad mutters behind his hand grabbing my sleeve. I couldn’t tell whether he was trying to comfort himself or me.

“What if we fall down a hole or something?” Somebody yells.

“If by some crazy accident you do get separated, immediately sit down and call for help. Wait for us to find you. The further you wander the harder it will be and more likely you won’t be found so unless your life is worth a little hide-and-go-seek, let me reiterate, do not move.” The jokester shut up after that. “All right, it looks like everybody is ready, let's go.” The tour guide says. I urge my dad to hurry to the front. The smell as soon as we enter the cave hits me first, it’s a dark, damp, earthy smell.

“Can I be your buddy?” I ask the tour guide, “I wanted to talk some more.”

“My buddy is my boyfriend. He helps me with the rowdier tours but yeah if you don’t mind him joining us.” She responds.

My dad just stiffens awkwardly, “So I’m gonna join your mom, are you sure you’re good?” He asks.

I push away the disappointment quickly, “Yeah of course, I mean, if you guys don’t mind.” My dad flees quickly.

She smiles as she shoves me, “You’re so cute, how old are you, I have a little brother that sounds about your age.”

“Uh, I’m twenty.” I say a little embarrassed.

“Oh shit,” she whispers, “Sorry, you talk…I mean you probably look twenty but you’re so blurry.”

“It’s okay, I guess the way I was clinging to my parents…” I’m glad it’s dim because I’m flushy furiously, now I feel stupid.

“Well, do I sound like I’m 28?” She asks, trying to move past the misunderstanding.

“Wow you sound so young.” I say, a little relieved to have thought she was younger as well.

“Must be that everyone sounds younger when you can’t see them huh?” She jokes. I snort.

“Hey babe.” A male voice says, I hear footsteps crunching next to me. “Hey.” He says to me, I lift my head and hand in his general direction. He sees the cane I’m assuming, “Oh cool you’re visually challenged too?”

“Are you?!” I ask surprised.

“Not completely blind, but soon, when I’m in my forties. I’m thirty.” I feel a little jealous, I wish I had, had more time. “Yeah we met at the school for the visually-impaired’s support group.”

“You mean the optometrist? We started going out after meeting with the group.” The tour guide corrects.

“There’s a group?” I cut in, ‘I mean I heard about one when I was being re-educated but…I wasn’t exactly in a place where I wanted to be around people.’

“Yeah! I can give you the information after the tour.” She whispers quickly and turns to tell the group that they were about to enter the main area. It suddenly gets super bright, industrial lights had been put in and from the commotion all the tour groups went through here first. “There’s a waiting area for anyone that is interested,” The tour guide says, “If you want to go to the gift store there will be time after the tour. She leads us along the edge of the main area and back into a dim tunnel. Then starts the normal tour-like process of explaining different types of rocks and how old everything was. Whenever there was a lull she talks to her boyfriend about her day so far.

The boyfriend who’s name was Kris was actually really nice and included me as much as possible. “So, you’re not allowed to touch pretty much anything but I can give you vivid details and also take you through the gift shop afterward and let you experience what we’re walking through.”

“Oh!” I exclaim and then flush as he gently takes my elbow pulling me out of the way of some uneasy terrain, “Sorry,” he says letting go, “I didn’t have time to warn you or anything.”

“Actually, it’s better if I hold on to someone,” I blush and reach my hand out.

“No problem, I’d want someone to do the same for me,” He says, “Susan told me you were in an accident. Are you comfortable talking about it?”

“No.” I say quickly throat tightening.

He moves on so quickly I almost can’t process it, “So do you know there are cave flowers?”

“Like plants?” I ask after a long pause. I’m holding onto his sleeve now and hear Susan talking behind us as she guides the tour.

“Yes but also crystal formations called gypsum flowers.”

“Gypsy?” I start.

“Gypsum,” he repeats slower, smiling.

“Okay and you said they were flowers made out of crystals?”

He stops suddeny and says, “We’re here.” I let him turn me to face what I’m assuming is a beautiful flower crystal. “Sometimes they’re beautiful and look like flowers, sometimes they’re scary like thousands of claws coming out of a wall.” My heart beat picks up a little as I imagine the wall of thick curling claws in front of me. The group oohh's and aahh's as it catches up.

“Are you stealing my boyfriend? Susan teases as she breaks away for a second after telling the group how the gypsum flowers are formed and then something about gypsum cotton. I start sputtering but they just kiss, above me and she moves away again to watch one of the teens who was starting to get too close to the wall. “No touching,” she warns.  “And no photography.”

I cover my mouth and try to calm my breathing down, “You okay?” He asks. “Anxiety,” I lie.

He pulls me a little away and says, “There, now you’re far away from the scary wall, it’s just crystal not actually claws.” I can’t tell if he’s being serious or not but it’s kind of funny. He’s obviously not ridiculing me for my anxiety but a dark thought suddenly ruins the mood, ‘what if he’s just patronizing me? Is he being so devout of my attention to keep me away from his girlfriend, I’m not like that. I can’t help falling for people who are kind but I won’t go after them if they are taken.’ “Buddy, if it gets too severe I can take you back to the waiting area, let me know okay, I can give you that tour of the gift shop like I said.”

I take a few deep breaths to calm myself but I’m shaking, “It’s okay I’m not in public often.” I say, “Just start talking about random cave stuff so I don’t think about it.” I suggest.

“Okay, well did you know most of the cave economy relies on bat guano. So actually, sunlight first…for photosynthesis, organisms eat the plants that grow in the entrance zone but deeper in the twilight zone it relies on those same plant nutrients in guano. Then in the dark zone all they have is the food chain to rely on. So that’s like two-thirds of the cave relying on poop.” I smile, feeling a little better.

“Twilight zone, Dark zone, that sounds terrifying.” I say.

“Well unless you want to go through specialized training you’ll probably never be in danger even the dark zone is made tourist safe here.”

“Really?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he pats my arm playfully with the back of his hand, “You’re in it now. Hey!” He yells suddenly making me jump, “You’re coming with me, destroying part of the cave is a crime, you signed a waiver so I hope that flower was worth the fine.” He leaves and starts dragging one of the tourists away. The tourist breaks away and starts sprinting towards me, I stick my cane out on a whim. To my surprise he actually trips on it. “Call security!” Kris calls to someone far away.

I hear a whole lot of whispering and then Kris much closer says, “Thanks kid, what are you a ninja?” He pats me on the shoulder and leans down to grab the teen. A short scuffle ensues as he pins an arm behind the teen’s back leading him back the way we came. A security guard takes the teen from him and then a different one joins the group.

“Sorry for the commotion.” Sarah tells the group, “why don’t we continue our tour?” Needless to say everything goes smoothly from then on. Kris is really good at describing the stalactites and stalagmites and “rivers” of minerals. I am crushing hard by the third time he gently moves me around an obstacle. I walk forward very aware of the hand pressed into the small of my back.

“Hey baby.” He says lowly sending a shiver down my neck when Susan comes back.

“That really put me in a bad mood,” she sighs, “I could just tell he was going to try something, I should have just gotten security from the beginning.” She hugs him and I am very much in the way but she doesn’t seem to…mind. I try not to imagine anything but I have a really hard time, I tense up when they kiss. A hand runs down my back and he touched me enough for me to know it was Kris. He gives me a gentle push and I start to move, “S, sorry.” I stutter hazily confused.

“What’s your name again?” Susan asks.

I look away, “Ray.” I say. There’s silence for a long time and I wonder what in the world they are doing, ‘wait no I don’t,’ I flush.

“Do you like me, Ray?” She asks.

I feel my legs go weak and stumble catching myself, “Hold on, I know you have a boyfriend! I’m not like that! I would have moved earlier but-”

“Do you like Kris?” She asks with a very, very different tone. I fall on my butt this time.

“Wh, what do you mean?” I ask, ‘What if they want to hurt me? If I say yes, they could be homophobic…they could drag me deep into the cave and I’d never be found again. Or they might get off leading people on only to yeah kill them, a cave would be a good place to hide a body.’

“I think you broke him, I’m bi, we’re polly, that’s why we’re asking.” Kris clarifies. I’m shaking with nerves so I just let out a nervous laugh, I’m also relieved but… Susan comes over talking softly, soothingly. But I also hear anxiety in her voice.

“I won’t tell anyone.” I gasp quickly.

“Is that a no?” Kris actually sounds pretty rejected.

“N,no, I mean…I like you, both.” It comes out like I just confessed something terrible. “But I’ve never told anyone that I go both ways before.”

Kris comes over crouching, “This is your first time coming out?” He asks, “That makes me feel a little bad about how well, direct I was being.”

“You were being direct?” I am surprised trying to think about what he meant. He laughs and offers to help me up, “Give me a second.” I breathe, shaking a little harder, “I don’t think I can stand right now.” Then looking around anxiously ask, “Won’t somebody see us?”

“No we actually brought you over to an employees only area but we can move back-” “No,” I breathe quickly then focus on calming down. “So, you like me?” I ask both of them. “Yeah sorry about probing about your age and interests earlier. I always get wary when someone wants to be my buddy so I tried to shut that down and then you were so sweet to Kris so I felt bad especially when you were so cute…” She talks really fast, flushing. “Are you embarrassed?” I’m embarrassed too, “You seem so strong and reserved, I didn’t think you could sound so flustered.” I feel weird and guilty and worried. “What do…polyamourous relationships do?” I ask. “Consent!” Kris says with vigor. “Communication, but yes consent too obviously.” Susan teases Kris, he giggles like she tickled him.