“Do you need assistance?” He asked me. I gave him a look and he smiled. 

“I think I can manage, thanks.” He sniggered as he left. 

He closed the door behind him and I locked it. I took a deep breath and stepped away. Slowly I peeled off my blood soaked clothes, tossing them in a pile. The water was warm and massaged my aching muscles. He had made the temperature hotter than usual, remembering my natural coldness. The water ran away red for a moment and then cleared. The claw marks along my rib cage had already begun to close, by morning they’d be gone. I studied them trying to figure if they’d scar. 

I picked up Lupin’s shampoo and decided to wash out the blood more thoroughly. Not for the first time I cursed my light hair, if you don’t get all the blood out it’s very visible. And streaks of blood in your hair just raises uncomfortable questions. His shampoo smelled of sandalwood, honeysuckle, and jasmine. I choose not to use any of his other bottles. Unsure what most of them were. And even if I had wanted to use the same bar soap as him, my wound was still too painful to touch. I opted against washing my body. 

I turned off the water, with some difficulty, but figured out the mechanisms soon enough. I stepped out and wrapped a grey towel around my body. I took to scouring his cabinets looking for bandages. Thankfully I found some, in fact, it was a little peculiar. An entire shelf was stocked full of medical tape and cotton cloth. I didn’t even want to know what had transpired for him to have an endless supply of medical utilities. 

I carefully held the cloth up against my wound and wrapped the tape all the way around my body. When that was done, I realized I had no clothes. I cursed at myself for not realizing that earlier. 

I picked up my towel, wrapping it once again around myself and cursed again realizing I’d have to go and find Lupin. The search didn’t take long, I stepped out into his room and found him sitting in bed. He had changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt, he sat against the headboard, reading. 

He looked up at me when I entered. Putting the book down in his lap. He lifted an eyebrow, smiling at my attire. I crossed my arms and bared my teeth. 

“I don’t have a change of clothes.” I informed him. His smile widened and he pointed next to me. Sitting there, on the desk, was a pile of my clothes. My actual clothes. 

“I think we need to have a discussion about what your wolves can take from my apartment and what they shouldn’t touch.” Lupin laughed at my glare.

“Your brother brought your clothes for you.” He met my eyes and his smile turned less amused and more wolfish. “I wouldn’t allow my wolves to touch your clothes. I would have to kill them.” I shook my head. 

I picked up my clothes and headed back into the bathroom, ignoring his laughs. Lupin had selected for me a soft red sweater and loose grey pajama pants. I changed quickly and came back out. Lupin was still sitting on the bed, the book gone.

“I had an interesting conversation with your brother, while you killed Markus.” He said in greeting. 

“Oh?” I breathed, drying off my hair with the towel. I came to sit on the edge of his bed. Typically I don’t invite myself onto other people's beds, but his room disarmed me. His scent, permeating the air, calmed me like nothing before. It was intoxicating and I was getting rather addicted. But the wolf didn’t seem to mind, smiling at my uncanny comfort.

“Yes,” Lupin replied, his smile quickly fading. It made my heart hurt, his sadness. It made me stare, waiting, hoping I could help.“He said that you don’t believe yourself deserving of happiness.” I groaned. Right, of course, his sadness was about me, I can’t help with that. Siblings and their meddling. But I wasn’t alone in this sadness, I smiled kindly up at him.

“Well, Rayen and I had a similar conversation about you.” He made an exasperated face and I laughed. He smiled at my laugh and I watched him, a small moment of contentment passed. 

“Why don’t you believe yourself deserving?” I asked, easing us gently out of the moment, but he flashed me a small apprehensive smile. Something in my stomach fell. I had finally run into one of his cards. 

I knew I was being unreasonable, but it upset me that he wouldn’t tell me. Something deep inside of me, resenting the idea that he kept secrets from me. It was unfair and cruel of me, but I couldn’t help my monster's disapproval. Couldn’t fight the hurt, because it hurt, like a stab to my heart. So very very unfair.

For he could feel my disappointment, just as well as I could feel his guilt for upsetting me. I shook my head at his apologetic eyes. 

“I’m being a hypocrite.” He smiled at me showing he didn’t care but didn’t refute the statement. I was glad he didn’t try. 

“How about this,” He suggested carefully. “I’ll tell you my reason’s, if you tell me yours.” I sighed. His offer was more than fair, unlike me. But still my stomach turned at the idea of telling him my sins. However this whole thing was to see if I could love him, if we could love each other. He would need to know all that I was and then decide for himself if he could love it. He wouldn’t, I knew, no one could, but I also knew he wouldn’t give up, not without that decision. I shuddered a breath and agreed, nodding stiffly. Lupin sat forward not expecting that I’d agree.

“Are you sure?” I nodded again and pulled my legs in, sitting across from him.

“Yeah, you go first.” He laughed bitterly and nodded. 

“Right, ok.” He rubbed a hand down his face, trying to figure out how to start. He sighed and opened his mouth. “I’ve… killed… a lot of people.” I watched him as he talked. He didn’t look at me, his eyes were far away, remembering. He figured I’d judge him, a normal person would, but I had no room to judge him. Not for that.

 “They were my friends,” Lupin continued. “My family, werewolves, just like me. I grew up with them around me. I knew them all.” He blinked. “Yes, sometimes the only thing I even knew about them was their names, but that should be enough. Shouldn’t it?” He grew quiet, the question breaking in his voice. The words echoing into silence. I waited for him to continue. I could see the thoughts flying by in his mind, suddenly he spoke. “I mean, where is the line? When is it ok to kill someone? I knew their faces, I knew their names, sometimes I knew their sisters, sometimes I knew their laugh, sometimes I even knew their favorite color. But I still killed them.” He blinked again. “I know, logically, I had no choice. They all challenged me. I couldn’t say no, and I couldn’t die. I fought them for my life and I won. I know there is no fault in that.” He sighed, looking up at me, his eyes reflecting his pain. “They challenged me and I killed them. I had every right,” He shrugged. “But still…” 

He let the words hang there. I understood, he knew I understood. And it was because I recognized his pain so well that I felt better, telling my story. We both had similar scars. Yes, they were different, but they were close enough to comprehend the pain.

“Carter,” I started choosing to meet Lupin’s eyes. To center myself in his comfort. Refusing to remember the story as I told it. “He is a cruel and wicked man.” I breathed. “He is a butcher.” I blinked, staring at the reality of telling my sins. Sharing my soul. I took a deep breath. 

“I was his blade. I killed thousands of people. All of them, strangers. Mothers, fathers, daughters, sisters, brothers, young, and old. I killed them all.” Lupin’s eyes did not change. “I did it all in His name. I made it messy, I made it known. I was His weapon and I was effective.” I hated the word, He had used it so many times to praise me. Lupin blinked at my spite but he didn’t shy away. “There’s a difference between fighting for your own life and fighting for someone else's. Because, mark my words, I would have gladly died. I would have perished at His hand with a smile on my face. I would not have allowed myself to be used.” This time Lupin’s eyes did change. Shiny with sympathy, at my self-hatred. I took a shuddering breath and blinked away tears. “But I was not His only weapon. He wielded all of my siblings just as effectively. I allowed myself to be used by Him, so that he would not kill my siblings. Or do worse, because believe me, He could do worse.” I looked away from him as the memories surfaced. Salem screaming, Echo crying, Arrow silently breaking. I shuddered, the tears now falling, despite my efforts. “In the end it was never enough. I killed thousands, and still my siblings suffered.” A long silence passed as I fought through the memories. “I had… I don’t know, the best of intentions?” I sighed, tears falling as I looked up at him. “But still… ” 

And I let it hang there, just as he did. Both of us understanding. We were the bad guys, we were the monsters, the murderers. We had a reason, sure. But the bad guys never get happy ending’s, no matter how right they were. 

We sat there staring at each other. Basking in our shared sins. Moments had passed and the tears on my cheeks had dried. I leaned against the post of the bed and Lupin sunk against the headboard. He watched me with a small smile on his face and I watched him in turn. It was odd how his presence had healed the scab I had just reopened. It felt like I hadn’t even picked at it, in fact, it felt… better. 

“Do you want children?” I asked him and he smiled brighter. I had been wondering about it, when the topic of children had been brought up at dinner. I, of course, hadn’t had any intention of actually asking him. 

“Yes.” He whispered, his voice relaxed and content. “Werewolves love children.” I smiled at him, feeling the same relaxed happiness. 

“I want children, too.” He shrugged.

“Well then, I guess we were destined for each other.” I clicked my tongue and kicked him lightly on the shin. 

“That is a terrible joke.” He laughed, deep and husky. I was reminded quickly enough why I thought it was a horrible idea for us to stay in the same room together. Yet the thought of leaving cleaved my soul in two. 

“Lupin?” I whispered. He grunted his awareness, his eyes closed his fingers brushing gently up and down my calf. “I just…” I trailed off and his eyes opened to look at me.

“Just say it.” He muttered gently, seeing my nervousness. I sighed and decided to look him right in the eyes.

“Does the Bond make me sexualluy attracted to you?” He’s eyes dilated and sparked with silver. He took a slow deep breath and his gaze didn’t leave mine as he shook his head. 

“No. If you thought I was ugly the Bond would not interfere in that opinion.” I gave a small nod of my head and looked away. 

“Do you-”

“Yes.” I looked over at him and his face was serious and kind, almost… loving. “I thought you were beautiful the first moment I saw you and I believe I always will.” I felt my heart contrast and thought, maybe… 

But then I remembered. He didn’t know. It couldn’t be love, not yet anyway.

I shook my head and sat up a little, smiling at him. 

“Thank you.” He smiled sleepily and closed his eyes again. I felt the drowsiness seep in. “May I sleep with you?” He smiled but didn’t open his eyes. 

“I would have it no other way.” I crawled across the bed and curled up against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and I fell asleep to the rhythmic beating of his heart.