I should've said no...

But... he seemed sad... and I... shining missed him. How can I miss someone I didn't even know? Or worse, I knew him as a bad guy. And he never told me the reason.

But when I saw him, I realized that seeing him on the threshold was not enough. I haven't seen him for a day and a half.

Maybe I should have asked him to walk with me somewhere? But I haven't thought about it beforehand.

It's dark inside the house. Apparently, Logan's father is not at home. I walk down the hallway toward Logan's room. The door is open, but it doesn't look welcoming. More like a snare.

His desk is still a mess, and now there's also a bottle of bourbon. On the unmade bed, where clothes and sheets are mixed up, there are familiar headphones on the pillow. Logan sits on the bed. I put the bag with his sweatshirt on the floor.

Part of me wants to leave, but part of me wants to understand... if not help... Logan takes a sip from the bottle, winces, and puts it back without offering me. Logan is wearing a t-shirt on top, and I can see how his shining gradually changes color and saturation. It becomes brighter, synchronizing with mine. Now we both need to sit quietly at this distance and replenish our strength. So I sit down in a chair by the table, across from Logan's bed.

"Your face is really back to normal," Logan notes.

"Yeah," I answer. "Thanks for the ointment, by the way, it helped."

There is silence. Probably, if I had a charging indicator above my head, it would be funny to watch the process.

"Are you going camping next week?" I ask. Logan shrugs lazily.

"You?"

"I'll go," I nod.

"I didn't know you're such a nature lover," he sounds a bit drunk. "I thought you were only a book lover."

His phrases are simple... but for some reason, I feel an undertow, like something else is behind them... Resentment?..

"I love a lot of things," I say and pick up a familiar wrapper from the table. "Banana bars, for example." I show it to him and put the wrapper back.

And again, it seems like I've done something wrong. Logan scoffs.

I get up to leave. Logan seems indifferent, but his voice catches me at the door.

"How long are you planning to do this to me, Adam?"

I turn around and look at him clueless.

"What?"

Logan gets up from his bed and comes closer, I take a step back to the door and end up cornered.

I try to calm myself with the thought that he can't hurt me, but this whole situation reminds me of our past.

"This!" exclaims Logan.

"If you mean shining, you know very well that I'm not the one responsible. I tried to control it, to get rid of it, but you saw where it led me..."

"Yeah! Exactly! I saw it. And that's why I don't understand why you're doing this?" Logan turns and paces around the room.

"I don't get you," I say as calmly as I can.

"You know, I can't be with anyone but you, right? I can't make out, can't fuck! I can't even have someone to suck me off! All I can do is jerk off thinking about you!" He knocks an empty can from the table, and it lands on the floor with a loud clunk.

"What are you..." I start, but Logan breaks me off.

"We kissed, right? Was it bad?" He asks nervously.

"No, but..."

"So why?!" Logan turns to me.

"Because... the fact that it wasn't bad doesn't mean I want it!" I assert.

"What about me?"

"I suggested you cooperate! To find a solution together but you said you didn't care! Why now are you blaming me?"

"You just like to torture me! It's a fucking revenge, right, Stone? Because I hit you once or twice! And you're going to torture me all my life?! Or do you just like to play hard to get? Makes you feel better?"

"It's not like that, ok?" I shout. "I said before I never wanted it! Nor shining, nor revenge. I wanted you to leave me alone, that's all!"

Logan breathes fast and loud. I feel his emotions; they go through me, make me tremble.

"Look," I make an attempt to pacify him. But Logan charges at me, pinning me to the door. He bites my lower lip and sucks it before he kisses me roughly and violently. And, as I was afraid, shining doesn't take it as an assault and starts drowning my mind in light. Logan's hand slips into my pants, and I gasp, and then Logan closes my mouth with his lips.

It's so fucked up. Feelings - good and bad - mix with each other; they cannot be separated. And this gives rise to a state that I would never want to experience. It's like half of me is on fire, while the other half enjoys the warm ocean.

My body reacts to Logan's touch, which seems to convince him that he is right. He unbuttons my jeans to move his hand freely. My body practically does not obey me. I can't even tell Logan to stop. But on the island of my consciousness, which has not yet been flooded with light, I begin to nurture my pain. From a small memory. From the feeling that I caught when I came here. Like before...

...back then... in the hallway... in the locker room.... in the classroom... he hit... he laughed... he mocked... said nasty things... and now... he just wants to use me... probably, the beating was better than this...

And with even more bitterness, I feel that, apparently, I began to see something good in him... It's like I was ready to forgive him for the good things he did to me, even if it was because of shining... and now he treats me like this?! He hasn't yet become my friend, but he has already betrayed me.

The chest begins to tingle; the island of consciousness grows larger. I throw my head back, breaking the kiss.

"...hate you..." I exhale. My tongue is stiff but I push myself forward. "...hate... you," I say louder. "...hate... you. I hate you!"

And then it starts pouring out of me.

"I hate every piece of you! Every bit! You are disgusting! You are so full of shit! Useless and pathetic!"

My chest starts to burn, but not only mine. And I know it. Because Logan's hand is no longer in my pants. He breathes noisily and steps away from me, bending over.

"I wish you were dead! I wish your father strangled you to death! You are nothing."

"Stop!" yells Logan.

I double over and sink to the floor. A burning sensation from my chest spreads through my body as if I have been doused with boiling water. Logan groans in pain, but I don't even allow myself the slightest bit of empathy. The burning sensation makes it hard to breathe.

"You haven't changed one bit. You're stupid cruel selfish fucker! I'd better die than be with you!" I utter choking.

"Adam... stop..." Logan moans.

I feel the air I breathe out burning my throat. Tears roll from my eyes; I'm scared because I don't know how to stop it.

For a while, only our moans and grunts of pain are heard in the room. I'm sitting by the door, Logan is curled up on the floor. The pain doesn't subside...

I'm afraid to even look at my chest. It seems to me that there is a burn of the very last degree... a gaping hole in it.

With unruly fingers, I zip up my jeans. I can't help but sob. Logan is still lying on the floor. He holds out his open hand to me.

"Please..." he says faintly.

I look at his hand for a few seconds, then at him, at his red, wet face.

I have never been a cruel person, but I learned something today. Trust shouldn't be so easy. Forgiveness shouldn't be so easy.

I push his hand away, causing another stab of pain in my chest.

"Don't touch me. Don't you ever touch me again."


I can't say for sure how I managed to get on my feet, to open the door, to leave Logan behind... to never look back...

I can barely move my legs, it's still hard for me to breathe... And I'm scared... really scared...

Returning home, I look at the windows for a long time to figure out where my parents are. Dad is watching TV, and mom... I don't want anyone to see me. I doubt I can pretend now.

When I see my mom joining my dad in the living room, I enter the house, don't turn on the light in the hallway, and immediately go upstairs.

"Adam?" Mom calls me.

"Yes," I say stopping on the step.

"How is your friend?"

I feel a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

"He was busy... with his dad. He... gave me... a new PS game... I want to... check it out..." I struggle with every word. But I try to make my voice sound steady.

"Ok, good," says mom, and I finally get up to my room.

The first thing I do is go to the bathroom, take off all my clothes and climb into the shower, pour cool water on my chest. The skin is covered with goosebumps; I begin to tremble, but the sensation of excruciating burning inside does not go away. Tears are rolling down from my eyes. I feel trapped. I look around helplessly, ready to go to my parents... just to ease this pain... and then my eye catches the tube... the tube of ointment that Logan gave me... I really did put it on the bruise every day.

I am overwhelmed with a new feeling... I feel like a child who was unfairly offended. And because of it, I want to cry my heart out... and I do...

And for some reason... the pain subsides...

Stepping out of the shower and drying myself off in front of the mirror, I take a closer look at the skin on my chest. There is no burn, it's a little reddish, that's all... but here's what's strange... there is almost no shining.

I even turn off the lights to make sure. The halo of light that used to be around my chest now looks like a halo from a small candle. I have no desire to test whether good thoughts about Logan will increase shining. In the end, if this suffering was a price for getting rid of shining, then this is probably a good thing.

Although... then most likely Logan will start beating me with much more cruelty than before... I've said a lot. And not everything I actually wanted to say to him. But I needed those words. Words that hurt. It was the only way to protect myself.