Saturday afternoon, June 8th

Soft steps and a presence behind brought me from the memories to the present. Kade's right hand joined mine on the railing, touching my pinky finger. I smiled, savoring the pleasant quiver in my chest at his proximity and innocent touch.

“Enjoying the view?” Kade’s breath fluttered against my ear.

I didn't recognize it at the beginning of our relationship, but his strong presence, captivating eyes, confident voice, and sure touch drew me towards him. As an artist and a man. Everything might have started with simple drawings and friendship between us, however Kade had opened my eyes eventually. Both times.

“Yeah, it's beautiful,” I breathed, the view forgotten, my senses focused on him.

I could feel his body warmth against my back, and I pondered if it was a good idea to lean into him like I used to countless times before. Kade took the decision away from me by stepping in closer himself, pressing his solid chest against my back. I sighed, enjoying this familiar closeness and dreading to mess it up any moment.

This was okay, I repeated in my mind, keeping it busy from turning on myself or Kade. This was exactly what I wanted.

“It's time already?” The thought finally crossed my mind on why he came for me. Did the time fly by so fast?

“Just turned the stove off. It's still boiling hot, so we have a few minutes.” I hummed a positive note to acknowledge him while neither of us moved for the door. Kade’s left arm brushed against my sling as he placed it on the railing, effectively trapping me. “Had another headache?” His lips moved against my hair.

I nodded but assured Kade it had passed. Faint remnants of an ache at the back of my skull be damned—my focus now was to fight the negative feelings ruining the beautiful moment.

It would have been dangerous to leave against medical advice.

My lover was not at fault for keeping me in the hospital.

I would have done the exact same thing were the roles reversed.

A feathery nuzzle, moving from my ear to my neck. Under normal circumstances, I would rest my head against Kade’s shoulder to give better access for his expert lips. Seconds ticked by as his lips rested against my neck beneath my ear, calm breath tickling my skin, giving me time to decide how to proceed further.

Kade’s hurt expression tore at my heart when I had pushed him away instead of deepening our kiss back in the hospital. Although now I didn't feel as messed up as in there, I wasn’t my old self either. Anger and blame still messed with my emotions.

I knew it was unjust, I realized that perfectly well, but I couldn’t stop them from poisoning my mind all the same. It infuriated me to no end knowing all this mess could have been avoided if only I wasn’t forced to stay in the freaking hospital! Why did he keep me there for so long? Why did he force me to relive everything all over again? How did he expect me—

“Did I push you too far in the kitchen?” Kade broke the silence, oblivious to my dark thoughts. “That's why you had those headaches, isn't it?”

I closed my eyes, guilt eating my voice away. This good man was concerned for me and here I was, seething at him in silence, pointlessly blaming him yet again. Damn it! I covered his hand with mine and shook my head in answer. It was all my fault, not his.

Kade kissed my neck, an innocent press of lips against skin.

“What about now?” he whispered.

When I didn’t respond, his soft kisses continued to trail through the back of my head towards the right ear. Oh, how I missed his kisses, his touch! I felt Kade as strong as ever, felt his breath caress my skin, his right arm encompass mine, felt his whole focus on me and his body humming for me, waiting for my move. He was pushing gently, and wanted to know if it was okay for him to go further. If I'd go with him this time.

My heart beat wildly in anticipation and apprehension, filled with conflicting emotions. I wanted to follow my lover’s lead and enjoy it, but I wanted to shake him by the lapels of his shirt and shout at him at the same time.

Kade had stayed with me in the freaking hospital for days, watched me wallow in misery and did nothing to get me out of there sooner! My irrational angry side sneered inside, demanding for punishment.

He did, though, he got me out today instead of Tuesday, my sane mind reasoned.

Nonsense! He should’ve gotten me out on Thursday or even on Wednesday! Instead, I was forced to remember every little detail, relive my mom’s death a dozen of times per day …

A cold shudder ran down my back and I gripped the railing hard to quench the terrible memory. I looked at the cloudy sky, my eyes blurry.

Keep it together, don’t lose it.

“Ev?” Kade's voice reached my ears, but it was too late. I was too far gone, trapped in there all over again.

“You should’ve taken me out of there sooner …” I whispered, tears rolling down my cheeks, trembling. “Why did I listen to you all? I should’ve left sooner. I should’ve—”

“I’m sorry.” Kade’s hands wrapped tightly around my waist. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, interrupting my ‘should haves’. They were pointless anyway. “And I’m sorry for pushing you now, I just miss you so much. I keep hoping …” Regret and longing laced his voice, and the guilt around my heart mounted. “I’ll give you the space you need. I promise.”

Kade stepped away from me, his hands lingering around my waist before all contact was broken. I snarled at the sudden loss of contact, turning around to face him. Touch me or don’t touch me; it was so easy for him to do. Even that pissed me off! 

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